Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
I shot an angel yesterday,
clipping its wings,
so it couldn’t leave.
That angel was mine,
it came back
after I died,
to take me back with it.
I keep it in my shed,
to remind me it’s there,
things have changed
since it returned.
It taught me about you,
and all the things
we are about to do
together.
I’ve been shooting down angels
from the moment I was alive
to the day I died;
god killed me on the battlefield
fighting his angels.
I don’t want to shoot any more angels,
I want to take those clipped wings
and fly away,
but god doesn’t want me.
All I want is you now–
give me everything that
you have.
Posts: 6
Threads: 11
Joined: Mar 2022
hello,
unfortunately, I don't think I entirely understand the poem, but it was at the top of the pile, so I'll give this critique thing a whirl.
I shot an angel yesterday,
clipping its wings,
so it couldn’t leave. ...... I like this opening. Start off metal. Shooting at angels, possessive love metaphor, clipped angel's wings, etc.
That angel was mine,
it came back
after I died,
to take me back with it. ...... it's a bit awkward using "back" twice, here. It makes sense, I suppose, but poetically it sounds clumsy.
I keep it in my shed,
to remind me it’s there,
things have changed
since it returned. ...... now I am a bit lost. The tenses are a little confusing, to me. You shot an angel yesterday and it came back after you died (which must be the next day... today?) but you keep it in your shed, presently? It's quite difficult to follow. Also, you imply a connection between "keeping it in your shed" and "reminding you it's there". I can't see how those two things are related. When I put things in the shed, I usually forget about them.
It taught me about you,
and all the things
we are about to do
together. ...... I personally don't think there is anything wrong with sporadic rhyming, so that's okay. But again, the tenses seem confused. Furthermore, you've gone from 1st person to 2nd person which muddies the water even more.
I’ve been shooting down angels
from the moment I was alive
to the day I died;
god killed me on the battlefield
fighting his angels. ........ Again, the tenses are confusing. Wouldn't "I shot down angels from the moment I was born to the day I died" be better? Not great, but better.
I don’t want to shoot any more angels,
I want to take those clipped wings
and fly away,
but god doesn’t want me. ....... I must admit I thought there was a chance the 'you' in the 4th stanza was God. Now, I'm thinking dead wife.
All I want is you now–
give me everything that
you have.
I might have been missing the wood for the trees a little bit, there. But, if one is getting stuck trying to decode the timeline of events because the tenses are so confusing it's very difficult to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
(03-25-2022, 04:23 AM)The Karate Kid Part 2 Wrote: hello,
unfortunately, I don't think I entirely understand the poem, but it was at the top of the pile, so I'll give this critique thing a whirl.
I shot an angel yesterday,
clipping its wings,
so it couldn’t leave. ...... I like this opening. Start off metal. Shooting at angels, possessive love metaphor, clipped angel's wings, etc.
That angel was mine,
it came back
after I died,
to take me back with it. ...... it's a bit awkward using "back" twice, here. It makes sense, I suppose, but poetically it sounds clumsy.
I keep it in my shed,
to remind me it’s there,
things have changed
since it returned. ...... now I am a bit lost. The tenses are a little confusing, to me. You shot an angel yesterday and it came back after you died (which must be the next day... today?) but you keep it in your shed, presently? It's quite difficult to follow. Also, you imply a connection between "keeping it in your shed" and "reminding you it's there". I can't see how those two things are related. When I put things in the shed, I usually forget about them.
It taught me about you,
and all the things
we are about to do
together. ...... I personally don't think there is anything wrong with sporadic rhyming, so that's okay. But again, the tenses seem confused. Furthermore, you've gone from 1st person to 2nd person which muddies the water even more.
I’ve been shooting down angels
from the moment I was alive
to the day I died;
god killed me on the battlefield
fighting his angels. ........ Again, the tenses are confusing. Wouldn't "I shot down angels from the moment I was born to the day I died" be better? Not great, but better.
I don’t want to shoot any more angels,
I want to take those clipped wings
and fly away,
but god doesn’t want me. ....... I must admit I thought there was a chance the 'you' in the 4th stanza was God. Now, I'm thinking dead wife.
All I want is you now–
give me everything that
you have.
I might have been missing the wood for the trees a little bit, there. But, if one is getting stuck trying to decode the timeline of events because the tenses are so confusing it's very difficult to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
I agree.
The tenses seem a bit muddled
the narrative I was trying to come across seems a bit
convoluted as well.
I'll see what I can do to fix that.
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