Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
The sky is blue, but so what?
Colors that matter soak the screen
rewarding this pale retainer
with eyes infused with delight.
Me? I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; it’s the brain
That circulates the electric dream
shoving aside wandering thoughts,
my head bowed down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.
Pleasure without effort,
everything outside this holy view
is just distraction from the worship
of another’s gods and monsters.
Posts: 461
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
How old is this poem? Did you write it recently? Not one of your older ones?
The tone set in the first line sticks, and too much. It's that all the way through.
"I know, and anyway" tone.
Hygienic peace is the best statement.
The previous versions might be part of the poem. People are clever.
I was even more clever. I didn't read them.
Maybe you posted in this Basic section for a reason.
The poem seems pretty straight forward.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-12-2021, 01:09 PM)rowens Wrote: How old is this poem? Did you write it recently? Not one of your older ones?
The tone set in the first line sticks, and too much. It's that all the way through.
"I know, and anyway" tone.
Hygienic peace is the best statement.
The previous versions might be part of the poem. People are clever.
I was even more clever. I didn't read them.
Maybe you posted in this Basic section for a reason.
The poem seems pretty straight forward.
It's a very old poem (from the 80s) but significantly edited based on feedback on another forum. Everybody seems to like "hygienic peace". I'm glad it's straightforward. Straight forward is not one of my instincts. I posted it in Basic to blot out a previous poem that I was embarrassed about. Bare assed about. I think I post too many poems but I can't help myself.
Posts: 461
Threads: 374
Joined: Sep 2014
It does have an '80s feel to it.
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(08-10-2021, 06:33 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: The sky is blue, but so what?
Colors that matter soak the screen
rewarding this pale retainer
with eyes infused with delight...................Delight would work better as ‘daylight ’
Me? I’m just one big pump
keeping up the flow of blood and lymph
to savor creature comforts
in hygienic peace; it’s the brain ................Now this is poetry
That circulates the electric dream
shoving aside wandering thoughts,
my head bowed down like a bull
whose skull is a solid rapture.
Pleasure without effort,
everything outside this holy view
is just distraction from the worship
of another’s gods and monsters................So true
This poem is one of the best I have seen out of your catalogue and I haven't seen many so far.
I have much to learn from you.
Best, Semicircle
