Posts: 254
Threads: 137
Joined: Feb 2022
Shadows the shape of people
hanging from the clothesline.
Patio chairs set around.
empty champagne glasses
scattered on the table-
tipped over,
wine dripping
into the grass
Meandering piano keys
like static.
Picnic blankets carried off by wind
forming multicolored clouds.
Posts: 695
Threads: 139
Joined: Jun 2015
(02-17-2022, 01:22 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Shadows hanging from the clothesline
in the shape of people. Good opening!
Patio chairs set around,
champagne sticking out of ice. A more interesting way to say this than "sticking out of ice"?
Meandering piano keys
playing lazily from the stereo. Another way to describe this? Like, "over the breeze". "from the stereo" isn't interesting enough for a short one like this. "over the breeze" isn't very interesting either, but I hope you get the idea.
Picnic blankets carried off by the wind
forming ??? clouds up in the sky.
I really like this one semi. Don't think you need "up in the sky" in the last line though, since that where clouds always are, and you already said they were carried off by the wind. An adjective ahead of "clouds" could help: I would suggest "multicolored" .
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(02-17-2022, 01:22 AM)Semicircle Wrote: Shadows hanging from the clothesline
in the shape of people.
Consider...
Shadows the shape of people
hanging from the clothesline ( for the sh sh )
Patio chairs set around, -this is your only comma - ditch it
empty champagne glasses
scattered on the table.
Meandering piano keys
drifting lazily through the breeze. pick one or the other and reword
Picnic blankets carried off by wind
forming multicolored clouds.