Thinking outside the box

[CRNDLSM]

Edit 2


A hawk told a fox that a box held a rabbit
and the hunters were coming back to it to grab it
so the fox hit the lock with some rocks to crack it,
but they all want to eat it, not to free it, dagnabit!
Hawks eat foxes and foxes eat hawks
and neither would ever work together, this socks!
I just want the box to explode angry wasps!
The clock tick tocks, time to think outside the box!

A crocodile talked to an ox on the banks
of a river, where he delivered a box, saying 'thanks' -
is it a gift for the water he drank? Or a prank?
I couldn't write the plot; I kept drawing blanks.
Somewhere there's a lesson but I kept getting lost
Animal fables teach kids good thoughts.
This isn't a game of connecting nine dots
I just want to teach kids to think outside the box.

Foxes and hawks, oxen and crocs,
Must it make sense as long as it rocks?
Writing about writing is not as obnoxious
as sometimes thinking outside the box is!


Edit 

A hawk stalked a fox on a walk in the woods.
The fox came upon a box hiding some goods.
The box had a lock so he knocked on the wood,
but I forgot the plot, cause it wasn't any good.
Hawks eat foxes and foxes eat hawks
and neither would ever work together, this socks!
Animal fables teach kids good thoughts.
I just want to teach kids to think outside the box.

What if the hawk knew the box had a rabbit
and the hunters were coming back to it to grab it
so the fox hit the lock with some rocks to crack it,
but they all want to eat it, not to free it, dagnabit!
They're both so dang clever though opening locks
I'd believe it, lifting high to smash it on rocks
I just want the box to explode angry wasps!
The clock tick tocks, time to think outside the box!

Foxes and hawks, oxen and crocs,
this doesn't have to make sense as long as it rocks!
Writing song lyrics is not as obnoxious
as sometimes thinking outside the box is!
Gotta think outside the box

Original

A hawk stalked a fox on a walk in the woods
The fox came upon a box hiding some goods
The box had a lock and the hawk knocked on wood
But I forgot the plot it wasn't any good
Cause hawks eat foxes and foxes eat hawks
And neither would ever work together this socks
Animal fables teach kids good thoughts
I have to find a way to think outside the box

What if the hawk knew the box had a rabbit
And hunters were coming back to it to grab it
So the fox hit the lock with rocks to open it
Doesn't make sense the hawk would eat it dagnabit
They're both so dang clever though opening locks
I'd believe it, or flying it high to smash it on rocks
I just want them both to be chased away by wasps
I just want to teach kids to think outside the box

Foxes and hawks, oxen and crocs
This doesn't have to make sense if it rocks
Writing songs is not as obnoxious
As sometimes thinking outside the box is
I'm trying to think outside the box

[dukealien]

A hawk stalked a fox on a walk in the woods
The fox came upon a box hiding some goods
The box had a lock and the hawk knocked on wood
But I forgot the plot it wasn't any good
Cause hawks eat foxes and foxes eat hawks
And neither would ever work together this socks
Animal fables teach kids good thoughts
I have to find a way to think outside the box

What if the hawk knew the box had a rabbit
And hunters were coming back to it to grab it
So the fox hit the lock with rocks to open it
Doesn't make sense the hawk would eat it dagnabit
They're both so dang clever though opening locks
I'd believe it, or flying it high to smash it on rocks
I just want them both to be chased away by wasps
I just want to teach kids to think outside the box

Foxes and hawks, oxen and crocs
This doesn't have to make sense if it rocks
Writing songs is not as obnoxious
As sometimes thinking outside the box is
I'm trying to think outside the box

This is a lot of fun - I picture it illustrated by Dr. Seuss.  Complete with author sweating over his fat, slightly kinked pencil... but to work.

This is difficult to critique (I complain) because it's meant to be a little ramshackle; smoothing is not improving.  For example, rhyme seems to call for more or less rhythmic lines... but this is supposed to be a humorous commentary, so rhymes in unequal lines are just fine.  Nevertheless...

Could comfortable clunkiness stand "must" in place of "have to" in the last line of S1?  Similarly, you could replace "had" with "held" in S2L1.  Not too smooth, and a little more descriptive, perhaps.  With more hesitation, you might replace "flying it high" with "lift it" in S2L6.   And I do itch to remove "just" from the last line of S3 for a return to the starting meter - closure for the stanza, y'know.

A similar mischievous itch begs to see "hawkses" in S3L1, but forget it (g) .  However, a serious suggestion is to change "songs" in S3L3 to "song lyrics.

Most serious suggestion:  the last line is problematic.  True, it's a coda.  But (1) is it necessary?  And (2) could it match meter just a bit, if it adds anything to the preceding lines of S3?

Hope that's not too harsh for moderate!  It's a nice concept and doesn't want to be too polished.

BTW, a lovely sentiment from the good Dr., just noticed while searching out correct spelling of the pen-name 

"Be who you are and say what you feel
for those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind."

Wisdom - no wonder the woke cancelled him!

[CRNDLSM]

Thank you so much, it was giving me a headache and needed some help, outside the box...

[Knot]

.
Hi CRNDLSM
like the idea (and some fun rhymes), but it doesn't really work for me. I know it's nonsense, but you've 'stalked' then 'work together', and following that 'never work together' you have them working together. It doesn't feel like 'thinking outside the box' but simply contradicting yourself.

And what does this mean?
They're both so dang clever though opening locks ... 'though opening locks'?
I'd believe it, lifting high to smash it on rocks .......... you'd believe what?
I just want the box to explode angry wasps!
The clock tick tocks, time to think outside the box!


I'm not clear on why you want to 'teach kids to think outside the box', the 'if it rocks' justification seems far too feeble and I can't find an example of what advantages thinking outside the box brings (in the poem).


Best, Knot


.

[CRNDLSM]

Knot is correct, I cannot for the life of me think of any examples for these animals to think outside the box. I have clear images in my mind, but can't connect them or make sense of them. I really want them to work together for the children, but I also want them to eat each other. I thought thinking outside the box, was taking a story about animals, and making it about writing the story about animals,

Id never heard of the 9 dot game, it's impossible within the constraints of the 9 dots, it's a lot easier if you imagine a square around them. I'm also not happy with the 'so dang clever' lines

---

Okay new edit, not sure if it helped anything

[Mark A Becker]

Hello CR-
This reads like song lyrics.  A little work on the rhythm is needed, I think; I stumble in several places.  Paying closer attention to where the accents fall will result in a very fun piece.
Mark

In-line suggestions:

A hawk stalked a fox as he walked in the woods
The fox found a box that was hiding some goods
The box had a lock and the hawk knocked on wood
Then I lost the plot 'cause it wasn't so good
hawks eat foxes and foxes eat hawks
And they don't work together , which socks ? need another word here
Animal fables teach some good thoughts
I gotta find ways to think outside the box

[CRNDLSM]

I appreciate it mark. It is song lyrics. I'll share it in the sewer soon