View From My Window

[Mark A Becker]

View From My Window has new title, and one comma removed

Looking Down From My Window

As white disguises greenery
with frozenness below,
a silent change of scenery
blows in with the snow.

[Tiger the Lion]

View From My Window

As white disguises greenery
with frozenness, below,
a silent change of scenery
blows in with the snow.

Overnight on Sunday we got 24 inches in 5 hours. Most since '92. Was trapped in the house till Wednesday.
You're a half foot shy in the final line but I can't tell if it was intentional or just got stuck in the snow.

[Mark A Becker]

You're a half foot shy in the final line but I can't tell if it was intentional or just got stuck in the snow.

I knew that the last line was "5" instead of "6" syllables, thus "ruining" the "8-6, 8-6" structure, but didn't think another syllable would add anything.

[dukealien]

View From My Window

As white disguises greenery
with frozenness, below,
a silent change of scenery
blows in with the snow.

This is delightful - puts me in mind of a recent quote from a poet (which I have not been able to re-find) to the effect that people desperately want rhymes but we refuse them.

"[B]elow" is just a bit forced and jarring - to what does it refer?  And though I can't think of a good construction that would preserve the metric scheme in the last line, it might be out there - "infiltrates," for example, in place of "blows in," would fit but is obviously inferior.  As is, the missing first beat works well enough - a caught breath for the wind, as it were.

Quite nice.

[Mark A Becker]

[quote="Mark A Becker" pid='257355' dateline='1642856379']
View From My Window

"[B]elow" is just a bit forced and jarring - to what does it refer?  the view from my window- windows can be on the second floor, ya know. I debated leaving out the commas...

And though I can't think of a good construction that would preserve the metric scheme in the last line, it might be out there - "infiltrates," for example, in place of "blows in,"
"blows in with" to rhyme with "frozenness" .  I actually had to wait quite a while for that to fall into place (the snow had nearly melted by then)

As is, the missing first beat works well enough - a caught breath for the wind, as it were.
That was my thinking- just leave out a beat to allow "blows in" to have more emphasis. 

I really do torture myself with these things.  I wanted to maintain the "8-6, 8-6" count, but the missing beat worked better than another syllable would've

Thanks for the eyes on it, duke,
Mark

[Tiger the Lion]

View From My Window has new title, and one comma removed

Looking Down From My Window

As white disguises greenery
with frozenness below,
a silent change of scenery
blows in with the snow.

A good reminder that small changes can make for big improvements.

[dukealien]

View From My Window has new title, and one comma removed

Looking Down From My Window

As white disguises greenery
with frozenness below,
a silent change of scenery
blows in with the snow.

A good reminder that small changes can make for big improvements.

I agree, clarifies nicely.