Metamorphosis

[Semicircle]

White angel
Held in quiet stasis over
a lake of boiling natron
Hums to herself
In her sleep.


By the water’s edge
Spills over a deluge of
Metallic arms;
Interlocking, undulating,
Like army ants forming a bivouac.


From deafening belts
Of bursting steam
Rises a giant glass eye
Held by a spire of metal hands,
Orbiting around her;
Piercing her with a 
Pinpoint stare.


she begins to pirouette
Like a ballerina on strings.
Her hum polyphonic
Growing louder;
Melodic, entrancing
like a siren or a banshee.


She spins into a blur,
And so too her song;
Crescendos,
until she wakes,
Screaming in sudden realization.
Visages of her crooning and drawling
Continue melody in her blur
As she slowly lowers down.


The metallic arms rejoicing.
The pupil of the glass eye
Engorged and swaying,
Her toe taps the natron
Curving it into a whirlpool


Splashing froth over ignited brimstone.
She lets out a shattering cry
Submerging under.


Mechanical arms
Depart by trail of steam
As she resurfaces as stone–


a red angel 
Breaks free
From her encasement.

[TranquillityBase]

White angel
Held in quiet stasis over
a lake of boiling natron
Hums to herself
In her sleep.


By the water’s edge                    the water's edge?  or the edge of the boiling lake?
Spills over a deluge of
Metallic arms;
Interlocking, undulating,
Like army ants forming a bivouac.


From deafening belts
Of bursting steam
Rises a giant glass eye
Held by a spire of metal hands,
Orbiting around her;
Piercing her with a 
Pinpoint stare.


she begins to pirouette
Like a ballerina on strings.
Her hum polyphonic
Growing louder;
Melodic, entrancing
like a siren or a banshee.               those don't seem entrancing, more startling or frightening


She spins into a blur,
And so too her song;
Crescendos,
until she wakes,
Screaming in sudden realization.               realization of what?
Visages of her crooning and drawling
Continue melody in her blur
As she slowly lowers down.


The metallic arms rejoicing.
The pupil of the glass eye
Engorged and swaying,
Her toe taps the natron
Curving it into a whirlpool


Splashing froth over ignited brimstone.
She lets out a shattering cry
Submerging under.


Mechanical arms
Depart by trail of steam
As she resurfaces as stone–


a red angel 
Breaks free
From her encasement.

This reads like a stem punk epic (a genre I'm not that familiar with, so I may be mis-using it).  I think some dialogue between the angel(s) and the monster eye would be helpful.  Something at the beginning by the white angel, something in the middle by the eye creature, something at the end by the red angel.  To give the reader some idea of a backstory, if you have one in mind.  The red angel needs more explanation at the end.  What is significance of this new angel?

Don't know if you wanted comments since it's in Misc.  But thought I'd express a few anyway.

TqB

[Semicircle]

White angel
Held in quiet stasis over
a lake of boiling natron
Hums to herself
In her sleep.


By the water’s edge                    the water's edge?  or the edge of the boiling lake?
Spills over a deluge of
Metallic arms;
Interlocking, undulating,
Like army ants forming a bivouac.


From deafening belts
Of bursting steam
Rises a giant glass eye
Held by a spire of metal hands,
Orbiting around her;
Piercing her with a 
Pinpoint stare.


she begins to pirouette
Like a ballerina on strings.
Her hum polyphonic
Growing louder;
Melodic, entrancing
like a siren or a banshee.               those don't seem entrancing, more startling or frightening


She spins into a blur,
And so too her song;
Crescendos,
until she wakes,
Screaming in sudden realization.               realization of what?
Visages of her crooning and drawling
Continue melody in her blur
As she slowly lowers down.


The metallic arms rejoicing.
The pupil of the glass eye
Engorged and swaying,
Her toe taps the natron
Curving it into a whirlpool


Splashing froth over ignited brimstone.
She lets out a shattering cry
Submerging under.


Mechanical arms
Depart by trail of steam
As she resurfaces as stone–


a red angel 
Breaks free
From her encasement.

This reads like a stem punk epic (a genre I'm not that familiar with, so I may be mis-using it).  I think some dialogue between the angel(s) and the monster eye would be helpful.  Something at the beginning by the white angel, something in the middle by the eye creature, something at the end by the red angel.  To give the reader some idea of a backstory, if you have one in mind.  The red angel needs more explanation at the end.  What is significance of this new angel?

Don't know if you wanted comments since it's in Misc.  But thought I'd express a few anyway.

TqB

Thanks tqb, any critique is appreciated! I'll get to work on it!