Balanced Polarities

[DragonBlue]

Betwixt and between is where we would walk

Allowing the equilibrium to rock

Listening to the quiet voice within

Answer queries from where we would begin

Necessary deviation from a path we know well

Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale

Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind

Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.

 

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight

Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light

Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception

Articulating our diction to ears of conception

Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts

Intricately designed and created by us to be passed

Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch

Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch

Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers

Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers

 

                                Balanced Polarities …

[busker]

My feedback would be to make the lines more intelligible, and drop the forced rhymes.
It’s very difficult to follow what’s being said, and the artifice is apparent.

---

This might help: http://www.firesides.ca/poemtips.htm

[TranquillityBase]

I lost you in the second stanza.  I am lousy at rhyme, but it does feel like, in that second stanza, the rhyming is driving the poem, rather than your intended meaning.  The poem is interesting enough that I want to know what you are getting at.  Second stanza also seems a good deal more abstract (at least the first 6 lines) than the first, also diffusing your meaning.

All that said, enjoyed the promise of the poem.

TqB

[DragonBlue]

Thank you for replying to my work.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Maylynn-
The poem needs flesh and blood characters, human or animal.  It also really needs concrete images (plants, buildings, etc). 

When a poem is full of abstractions it's very hard for a reader, like me, to grab on: I need concrete scenery and characters.

I find that the end rhymes are driving the lines, when they need to fall naturally.  Otherwise they feel forced.

Some comments:


Betwixt and between is where we would walk
Allowing the equilibrium to rock
Listening to the quiet voice within
Answer queries from where we would begin
Necessary deviation from a path we know well I'm mostly OK up to this point
Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale I have no idea what this means
Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind
Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.  Starting to get too preachy for me now

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight
Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light I follow what you're saying here, but the forced rhyming detracts
Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception
Articulating our diction to ears of conceptionThe rhymes are forcing the lines here, and don't make sense to me
Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts
Intricately designed and created by us to be passed
Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch This is where characters (our progeny) are really needed
Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch
Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers No clue as to what those "dark laws" are
Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers I have no idea what "syncopated chains of secrecy" are

I'd really like to help you out here: if you must stay married to the rhyme scheme, then the lines need to be less abstract.  That is where characters and concrete images come in. 

Perhaps if you read this aloud you will begin to imagine characters and settings that can better articulate your meaning.  This poem is all "telling" and no "showing".  That makes it hard for me to latch on.  And I always want to engage with a poem; for a poem to engage me.   

Hope that was a little bit helpful,
Mark

ps. The link offered by busker offers some great tips.
Also- I have been working on poems for several decades, yet always find myself re-reading tips like those, lest I think that I've "made it". I still struggle mightily to craft images and characters. I have found great benefit in the critiques offered on this site, and always try to humble myself to understand what works, or not.

[Xlateralus]

Betwixt and between is where we would walk

Allowing the equilibrium to rock

Listening to the quiet voice within

Answer queries from where we would begin

Necessary deviation from a path we know well

Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale

Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind

Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.

 

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight

Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light

Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception

Articulating our diction to ears of conception

Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts

Intricately designed and created by us to be passed

Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch

Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch

Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers

Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers

 

                                Balanced Polarities …

 
Overall this is a songy poem which is fine if that’s what you want to make, however I think the rhyming scheme is off. You have perfect rhymes and imperfect rhymes in the poem but there is no reason. I’m also not loving betwixt and between. It sort of seems like you used the phrase as a brainstorming jumping off point for your poem but never edited it out.

I think also the poem could be more concise. You should consider what each line adds to the poem, and if it doesn’t add a new layer or idea, maybe consider cutting it.

Sing songy poems certainly have a place in our society but they should be brief and fun and concise; think “there once was a man from Nantucket”

[DragonBlue]

You know I really appreciate that all of you are trying to help me with my pen, but I disagree. This is the feedback I've received on other sites. I think you just don't like rhyming poetry and my vocabulary you don't understand. So there it is


- Really like your choice of vocabulary in this piece. It's really unique, and I really enjoyed reading the whole thing.

TG Reign - Much to ponder in this exceptionally poetic piece!

Swan song -
A beautiful poem

Blue Harrison -
A lot of complexity to take in here; yet it holds its rhythm and speaks on an inner level to me where I feel comprehension is a simple thing. It is necessary to change, to move down the unchosen fork in the path; even if some of those times, it's only possible to do so in hindsight. It is never too late to learn from something. Blue

To all of you, thank you for your read, rate and review of my work.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Maylynn-

When folks begin to offer praise vs critique, a poet needs to be wary.  I've had many positive, yet unhelpful, comments on some of my stuff, but I only really trust when folks have taken time to point out "problem areas."  I don't post for a HURRAY, but because I want/need the critique. 

It's also fine to disagree with critique you may receive, though I gave what I felt was an honest assessment for the BASIC forum.

You replied,"I think you just don't like rhyming poetry and my vocabulary you don't understand. So there it is."

I actually like rhyming poetry, and I understand the vocabulary, but have issues with how that vocabulary is pieced together.

I'm also OK with abstraction, yet firmly believe that it can be overdone. I still contend that concrete images are what SHOW a story: there needs to be a balance.

Lines like the following are so abstract as to be obscure: "Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale".  "Articulating our diction to ears of conception"  Please re-consider lines like these, as I can only stare at my belly button for so long. 

I respectfully submit that posting in a FORUM means that one is seeking honest evaluation. I know that critique has helped me greatly. 

Mark

[CRNDLSM]

Betwixt and between is where we would walk

Allowing the equilibrium to rock

Listening to the quiet voice within

Answer queries from where we would begin

Is the quiet voice or the walk rocking the equilibrium, is the we the N and voice?

Necessary deviation from a path we know well

Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale is the tale the walk with the voice? Concealed by flavored colors

Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind

Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.

 

im not certain if I am dreaming, or trying not to dream.  It's very dreamy

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight 

Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light living fears that fit tight in shadows

Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception

Articulating our diction to ears of conception

I don't understand ears of conception, this the we voice on the walk listening back to your voice?

Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts

Intricately designed and created by us to be passed 

Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch

Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch

Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers our progeny, are we the dark fathers?

Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers

 

                                Balanced Polarities …

I like the sounds but the dreamy state makes it very hard for me to piece each line together, the possible metaphors , ambiguous pronouns, and maybe it's perfect as is, is this the path less traveled, full of color that balances the shadows?

[rowens]

Betwixt and between is where we would walk

Allowing the equilibrium to rock

Listening to the quiet voice within

Answer queries from where we would begin

I get this part         though things don't "rock", until after they do, that's to be remembered, or better forgotten 

Necessary deviation from a path we know well

Falls

Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale

This line doesn't continue

Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind

Philosophical

Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.

So far, this line is out of it

 

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight

Digging into vernacular 

Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light

Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception

Articulating our diction to ears of conception

Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts

Intricately designed and created by us to be passed

Kind of starburst. An explosion of sonic reason.  

Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch

Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch

Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers

Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers

 

                                Balanced Polarities …

The last part of the poem seems like a novel

[Semicircle]

Betwixt and between is where we would walk

Allowing the equilibrium to rock

Listening to the quiet voice within

Answer queries from where we would begin

Necessary deviation from a path we know well

Concealed by the colored paradigms that flavors the tale

Enticing the spirit to pay heed to the mind

Dreaming of a paradise we hope we can find.

 

Perhaps if and when we look beyond that which fits tight

Overcoming fears of the unknown living in light

Languishing in shadows for the shifting perception cut this line

Articulating our diction to ears of conception

Reiterating to reverberate our future pasts

Intricately designed and created by us to be passed

Toward our progeny who sometimes miss the catch

Inwardly wishing that our history could scratch    This rhyme is lame.

Entanglements to the dark laws of their fathers

Syncopated chains of secrecy that smothers  so is this'n

 

                                Balanced Polarities …

Perhaps redo the second stanza, because it doesn't make too much sense.