Up there on the rooftop,
a hellacious banging noise,
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and boys.
Grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run.
He jumped down to the driveway
and out into the yard,
then grandma opened fire,
and Santa went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids."
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
A neighbor who was filming
said, “just use common sense,
he threw some snowballs at her,
it was clearly self-defense.”
Grandpa was a doctor,
he turned and then replied,
“just shut up and help me
get this man inside.”
While he was stitching Santa
grandma gasped, surprised,
what she saw inside his pack
made her eyes grow wide.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey,
a shotgun there for Tom,
and Jenny’s got a rifle,
and a kit for making bombs."
About this time, Black Santa
was beginning to wake up,
said he finally got promoted
to deliver all the Christmas stuff.
He said that ole Saint Nicholas
had gotten nasty drunk,
and they had to lock him up
inside a storage trunk.
And poor ole Mrs. Claus
could only stand and sob,
“he gives everything away
and doesn’t even have a job.”
Grandpa stayed with Santa
to help him to recover,
meaning good ole grandma
had to step up and take over.
Rudolph (that prima donna)
was on a labor strike,
the only one to guide the sleigh
was a unicorn named Spike.
Spike did not speak English,
but when grandma pulled the reins,
he nodded, then flew off,
while grandma yelled, “oy vey!”
As kids from all around the world
snoozed the night away,
Spike and Grandma Santa
saved their Christmas Day.
The Mess Before Christmas
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise,
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys.
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run.
He jumped down to the driveway
and out into the yard,
then grandma opened fire,
and Santa went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there crying,
"please don't tell the kids."
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
A neighbor who was filming
said, “just use common sense,
he threw some snowballs at her,
it was clearly self-defense.”
Grandpa was a doctor,
he turned and then replied,
“just shut your mouth and help me
get this man inside.”
While he was stitching Santa
grandma gasped, surprised,
what she saw inside his pack
made her eyes grow wide.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey,
a shotgun there for Tom,
and Jenny’s got a rifle,
and a kit for making bombs."
About this time, Black Santa
was beginning to wake up,
said he finally got promoted
to deliver all the Christmas stuff.
He said that ole Saint Nicholas
had gotten nasty drunk,
and they had to lock him up
inside a storage trunk.
And poor ole Mrs. Claus
could only stand and sob,
“he gives everything away
and doesn’t even have a job.”
So Grandpa stayed with Santa
to recover and relax,
meaning good ole grandma
had to reload all those packs.
Rudolph (that prima donna)
had gone on a labor strike,
the only one to guide the sleigh
was a unicorn named Spike.
Spike and grandma had their
backs against the wall,
but they loaded up and took off-
dash away, dash away all.
As kids from all around the world
snoozed the night away,
Spike and Grandma Santa
saved their Christmas Day.
The Mess Before Christmas
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise,
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys.
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run.
They chased him off the driveway
and out into the yard,
then grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids."
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
A friend who was recording,
said, “just use common sense,
he threw some snowballs at her,
it was clearly self-defense.”
Grandpa was a doctor,
he leaned in and replied,
“just shut your mouth and help me
get this man inside.”
While he was stitching Santa
grandma gasped, surprised,
what she saw inside his pack
nearly made her cry.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey,
a shotgun there for Tom,
and Jenny’s got a rifle,
and a kit for making bombs."
About this time, Black Santa
was beginning to wake up,
and he said he had to fill in
to deliver all that stuff.
He said that ole Saint Nicholas
had gotten nasty drunk,
and they had to lock him up
inside a storage trunk.
He said that Mrs. Claus
could only stand and sob,
“he gives everything away
and doesn’t even have a job.”
So grandpa and Black Santa
decided to recoup and relax,
and that meant that grandma
had to reload all those packs.
While Rudolph and most other
reindeer were on a labor strike,
the only one to lead the sleigh
was a unicorn named Spike.
Spike and grandma had their
backs against the wall,
but they loaded up and took off-
to dash away, dash away all.
As kids from all ‘round the world
snoozed the night away,
Spike and Grandma Santa
saved their Christmas Day.
A Christmas Mess
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise,
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys.
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run.
They chased him off the driveway
and out into the yard,
then grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids."
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
...
...
(that's all I got so far, but it'll tell how Santa got drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh. A line like "Santa's been drinking, Mrs Claus begins to sob, giving everything away, and doesn't even have a job." So the chief elf had to take over, and he's disgruntled because Santa expects them to work for free. He hangs out with grandpa, to get patched up, and grandma has to take over delivering presents, but the reindeer are now scared of her and won't cooperate and so on...)
(12-09-2021, 04:00 AM)Mark A Becker Wrote: A Christmas Mess
Up there on the rooftop
there was a banging noise,
waking up the neighbors,
and all the girls and the boys.
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat
and grandma grabbed her gun,
the reindeer, they just froze in place
so Santa had to run.
They chased him off the driveway
and out into the yard,
then grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma,
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids."
Santa laid there moaning
crumpled on his pack,
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
...
...
(that's all I got so far, but it'll tell how Santa got drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh. A line like "Santa's been drinking, Mrs Claus begins to sob, giving everything away, and doesn't even have a job." So the chief elf had to take over, and he's disgruntled because Santa expects them to work for free. He hangs out with grandpa, to get patched up, and grandma has to take over delivering presents, but the reindeer are now scared of her and won't cooperate and so on...)
Funny where things take you. First thing that popped into my head was that old Eddie Murphy skit on SNL. I hadn't seen it for years, so thanks for that, Mark. Maybe there's something here you could use??
.
Hi Mark,
difficult to offer much beyond general encouragement at this stage. So much depends on whether it's (a) really Santa and (b) Santa is really 'black', or just covered in soot. The association of black with 'drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh' seems unfortunate, as it does with 'doesn't even have a job'. What Eddie Murphy can get away with ...
Mostly three stresses per line, but sometimes four. Perhaps make it more regular, line one (tetrameter) lines two - four (trimeter)?
Some (minor) thoughts.
That night we heard, from on the roof,
a bang, bang, banging noise.
It woke up the whole neighbourhood,
the sleepy girls and boys.
So grandpa went and fetched his bat
and grannie grabbed her gun
they marched out to the garden
to see what's going on.
The reindeer took off like a shot
with laden sleigh in tow
And Santa Claus began to run
but he'd no place to go.
They chased him up and down the drive
then out into the yard,
where grandma opened fired,
and Santa went down hard.
he fell among the Christmas lights
the snowmen with their canes
...
...
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma, look
look at what you did!"
Grandma stood there shaking
and cried, "don't tell the kids." ............... weakest verse for me. Do you need it?
Santa lay there moaning
crumpled on his pack, ........................... surely 'sack'
and grandma said, "I never knew
that Santa Claus was black."
What there is I enjoyed, looking forward to the rest.
(12-10-2021, 12:10 AM)Knot Wrote: .
. So much depends on whether it's (a) really Santa and (b) Santa is really 'black', or just covered in soot. The association of black with 'drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh' seems unfortunate, as it does with 'doesn't even have a job'.
Yo Knot-
Read a bit closer please: Black Santa is a stand-in for the real Santa (who got too drunk to fly the sleigh). Thus there is no association of "black with drunk and couldn't drive the sleigh". And it's also the real Santa who "doesn't even have a job".
Though referring to him as Black Santa throughout the revision rather undermines, I think. Even if 'Grandma Santa' slightly rescues that (it all sounds very 1970s blaxploitation). You said, in your explanation that he was an Elf, so why isn't it Elfin Santa? (I note in the poem that the only description of him is 'black', is he an elf, or what?)
The Mess Before Christmas ........ like the title change.
Up there on the rooftop there was a banging noise, ............. not keen on two 'theres' in quick succession. waking up the neighbors, and all the girls and the boys. ...... As the piece improves, as it is doing, you might want to revisit this, it's not that strong and I think you can do better.
The neighbourhood was sleeping, the good girls and good boys. When from a shingle rooftop there came a banging noise
So grandpa grabbed his baseball bat and grandma grabbed her gun, the reindeer, they just froze in place so Santa had to run. ..................... two 'sos'. And why does he have to run? He's there legitimately. Also, if he's at 'ground' level, who or what was making the noise on the roof?
So Granny grabbed her Tec-9 Grandpa his basball bat, the pair burst through the door, like a getiatric SWAT
They saw, amongst the roses a figure all in red tangled up in Christmas lights a hood upon his head
They chased him off the driveway and out into the yard, where grandma opened fired, ............ 'fire' and Red he went down hard.
Grandpa said, "oh, grandma, look at what you did!" Grandma stood there shaking and cried, "don't tell the kids." ..... still think this adds nothing.
Santa laid there moaning crumpled on his pack, and grandma said, "I never knew that Santa Claus was black."
The figure lay there moaning crumpled on his pack. "Goodnes, gracious me" said grandma, Santa Claus is black"
A friend who was recording, ...... where does the friend come from? said, “just use common sense, he threw some snowballs at her, it was clearly self-defense.” ........ not convinced, think it's the phrasing. This feels like an ending, to me.
Nosey Joe from next door called out "use your common sense. Say he threw some snowballs, so you fired, self-defense."
Grandpa was a doctor, he leaned in and replied, .....................'leaned in'? “just shut your mouth and help me get this man inside.”
Grandpa had been a doctor, and was recently retired "Stop filming, Joe" he bellowed "help me carry him inside",
While he was stitching Santa ............ think you need to further describe who is being stitched at some point. Elf/not elf? What? grandma gasped, surprised, what she saw inside his pack ........... when she saw what he carried / it nearly made her cry nearly made her cry.
"There’s a pistol here for Joey, a shotgun there for Tom, ..................... and a shotgun for young Tom and Jenny’s got a rifle, ....................... this must be Jenny's rifle / and her kit for making bombs and a kit for making bombs." ............. Love their presents.
About this time, Black Santa ............. surely 'Poor Santa'? You haven't established, yet, that it's not the real Santa (unless being black is an automatic disqualification?) was beginning to wake up, ................ he finally woke up ? and he said he had to fill in to deliver all that stuff. ..................... Fine, but who is he?
He said that ole Saint Nicholas ......... He said, the real Nicholas had gotten nasty drunk, and they had to lock him up inside a storage trunk. ..................... anthing a bit more 'North Pole' magical than 'storage trunk'?
About this time, poor Santa finally came round. My name, he said, is Reginald the Head Elf to that clown
the real Nick, he told them, has a problem with the booze, this year he got wasted poured himself out of his boots.
He said that Mrs. Claus .................. do you need to keep repeating 'he said'? could only stand and sob, “he gives everything away ............. not sure what point she's trying to make here. and doesn’t even have a job.” ......... maybe italics, rather than speech marks?
So grandpa and Black Santa decided to recoup and relax, and that meant that grandma had to reload all those packs. ............ very awkward verse, and doesn't make much sense narratively.
While Rudolph and most other reindeer were on a labor strike, the only one to lead the sleigh was a unicorn named Spike. ............ don't think this works, first they 'froze' now they're on strike?
Spike and grandma had their backs against the wall, but they loaded up and took off- to dash away, dash away all. ............ this rather comes out of nowhere. Where does Spike come from?I can see why Grandma help, but who is Spike and why does he? And since when can Unicorns fly?
Mrs Claus, he went on was worn out, and would sob 'he gives it all away, the bum he only has one job.'
Grandma wandered outside, she'd heard more than enough, and picked up all the presents, the boxes, bags and stuff
She couldn't see a reindeer as she loaded up the sleigh just a slightly puzzled Pegasus ....
As kids from all ‘round the world snoozed the night away, ......................... not the best couplet in the poem. Spike and Grandma Santa
Thanks for the careful read and suggestions. Really.
This one was like signing Christmas cards: write what comes into my head, and move on to the next one. I didn't think too much about it, just let it pop out.
I did try to fix some of the obvious "continuity errors", then sealed the envelope and applied the stamp.
Since Santa is fictious, I let the character assume any personage. And of course, unicorns can fly, since they're fictious, too.
So, enough fun with this one, as it's in the mail, and on it's way to the North Pole...
Mark
ps. My "FUN" challenge to any reader: invent/mangle a holiday story.
Enjoyed the additions, Mark. I think a more consistent meter would help it read more festivly. The lines that are 8/6/8/6 read the best for me.
Feel free to post your challenge in a separate thread. Sounds like a fun exercise.
Mark - Given that the first three popes of Rome were black, the first three emperors of China were black and the Mother Mary(Isis) and the Christ child(Horus) were first represented black in very ancient Egypt, Africa when there was no Greece and Rome didn't exist and England wasn't even a twinkle in the eye. So why not a black Santa who, without the soot, is seemingly self-employed manufacturing products with elves and reindeer for universal delivery in just one day. Whoa...now that's dedication! Most enjoyed the work Mark. Namyh
