Posts: 39
Threads: 49
Joined: Aug 2021
Bulkey white caterpillars plume from
factory exhaust pipes. They dissipate away
into the deep cobalt sky.
Inhaling a breath
of this noxious air,
surely I will take this with me.
Sun shines brilliantly on the horizon
but just behind the hills is a distant calling
could it be of coyotes brawling?
The shrill sound wavers
and folds over itself playing inaudibly,
surely I will take this with me.
Sinews that entangle together invisibly
I have broken free
floating aloft as a feather, I can truly see.
blinded of transient pleasure
and gifted leasure; peaceful as can be,
surely I will take this with me
Asleep in blankets or dirt
entranced with an intangible mirth
lulled to rest by a dirge in a dinge
and I am free,
surely I will take this with me
These truths played inside
in the back of his mind
while death payed its visit
he stared them down
and resigned.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
Hi KB,
This poem has a lot of promise. First things first: you need to spell check your words a bit more.
Secondly, consolidate your lines more, thus:
“Bulky white caterpillars plume from
factory exhaust pipes. They dissipate
away into the deep cobalt sky.
Inhaling a breath of this noxious air,
surely I will take this with me.
Sun shines brilliant on the horizon
but just behind the hills is a distant calling ………etc.”
Those two things done, I will have more to say.
Let’s see a revision and I will have more suggestions.
Posts: 39
Threads: 49
Joined: Aug 2021
(10-20-2021, 10:49 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: Hi KB,
This poem has a lot of promise. First things first: you need to spell check your words a bit more.
Secondly, consolidate your lines more, thus:
“Bulky white caterpillars plume from
factory exhaust pipes. They dissipate
away into the deep cobalt sky.
Inhaling a breath of this noxious air,
surely I will take this with me.
Sun shines brilliant on the horizon
but just behind the hills is a distant calling ………etc.”
Those two things done, I will have more to say.
Let’s see a revision and I will have more suggestions.
m'kay, whatcha got? Thanks btw
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(10-19-2021, 05:37 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: Bulkey white caterpillars plume from
factory exhaust pipes. They dissipate away
into the deep cobalt sky.
Inhaling a breath
of this noxious air,
surely I will take this with me.
Sun shines brilliantly on the horizon
but just behind the hills is a distant calling
could it be of banshees brawling? bit over the top....banshees I mean....how about something earthly....coyotes?
The shrill sound wavers
and folds over itself playing inaudibly,
surely I will take this with me.
Sinews that entangle together invisibly
I have broken free
floating aloft as a feather, I can truly see.
blinded of transient pleasure
and gifted leasure; peaceful as can be,
surely I will take this with me
Asleep in blankets or dirt
entranced with an intangible mirth
lulled to rest by a dirge in a dinge what's a "dinge"?
and I am free,
surely I will take this with me
These truths played inside
in the back of his mind
while death payed its visit
he stared them down
and resigned.
This is what I got 
Posts: 470
Threads: 203
Joined: Dec 2017
(10-19-2021, 05:37 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: Bulkey white caterpillars plume from ... apart from the spelling of 'bulky', I like the image
factory exhaust pipes. They dissipate away
into the deep cobalt sky. ...cobalt BLUE. Cobalt blue is a pigment. Cobalt itself is NOT blue, like most metals.
Inhaling a breath
of this noxious air,
surely I will take this with me.
Sun shines brilliantly on the horizon ... the sun is on the horizon, yet shining 'brilliantly' and the sky is cobalt blue? doesn't make sense.
but just behind the hills is a distant calling ... 'just behind' doesn't gel with 'distant'
could it be of banshees brawling?
The shrill sound wavers
and folds over itself playing inaudibly, ... don't get the concept of a sound playing inaudibly
surely I will take this with me.
Sinews that entangle together invisibly ... threads rather than sinews, surely
I have broken free
floating aloft as a feather, I can truly see.
blinded of transient pleasure ... and measure for measure, life is a treasure, Godel-Bach-Escher....need to use better rhymes
and gifted leasure; peaceful as can be, .. spell check
surely I will take this with me
Asleep in blankets or dirt
entranced with an intangible mirth
lulled to rest by a dirge in a dinge
and I am free,
surely I will take this with me
These truths played inside
in the back of his mind
while death payed its visit
he stared them down
and resigned.
