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All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food those people share
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare,
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too
but certainly wouldn't eat those people's food
Too scared
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all
right over to the next side of the people's wall
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall
But she has no true home
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat,
The rat roams about
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her.
-VikaJigulina
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Threads: 49
Joined: Aug 2021
(10-21-2021, 07:38 AM)VikaJigulina Wrote: All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food the people share
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare,
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too
but certainly wouldn't eat the people's food--
Too scared
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all Reword this slightly, the rhyme is a bit of a stretch
right over to the next side of the people's wall
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall
But she has no true home The fact that the rat is homeless doesn't read repeating
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat,
The rat roams about
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her. Strong ending
-VikaJigulina
I like the metaphor between these animals, very relatable to humans.
Feel like this may be a bit personal to your own life, not sure.
When you say "those people" is it meant to show that
the cat, bat, and rat are in a adoptive relationship?
If so, maybe try and find a better way that's less
vague to explain that.
Do whatever feels good in the gut though.
This was very clear and precisely worded,
can understand your overall goal for the poem.
Good work!
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Hi Vika-
And welcome! Below are some comments:
All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat Weirdly, I think that people and rats are even more related than cats/rats, with bats be the odd member in the animal world. Go figure.
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food those people share
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare, "nasty ear" ? Try to be careful not to force rhymes (share/snare)
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air HMM? Summer folllows May north of the equator, so this makes sense if written south of the equator
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too
but certainly wouldn't eat those people's food "too" / "food" is a more creative slant rhyme
Too scared I've fed bats applesauce before
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all "agenda" ? "and all" ?
right over to the next side of the people's wall Oh, I see- "all" to rhyme with "wall" (but that's forcing the rhyme again)
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal I think it's very rare for rats to be infected with rabies
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall "originates" doesn't seem to fit
But she has no true home I don't know, their "true home" seems to be just about everywhere
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat, Re-think "expired"
The rat roams about
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her. OK then, is the rat something completely other than a rat. If so, I have no clue. Odd ending ???
There is probably a cooler way to tell this story. I'd suggest reading up on bats, cats, and rats, and then see what details you might add to flesh this one out.
Be careful about forcing rhymes. They aren't really even necessary to tell this story, unless they fall naturally: by that I mean, worry less about the rhyming and more about the story you're trying to tell. I could see this being crafted as a poem intended for young kids, but you'll need more action and adventure to hold the audience's attention. I see that the three animals are all female, and that could be expanded on.
You've got a start, and that's something.
Keep plugging away at it,
Mark
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(10-21-2021, 07:38 AM)VikaJigulina Wrote: All from the same family,
siblings by blood; the cat, the bat, the rat colon (or em dash) and period here? See below.
The cat sleeps on their chairs,
eats the food those people share could do without "the" and "those?"
With a nasty ear and a threatening snare, for some reason I see "stare" here instead of "snare."
she wouldn't make it past May in this cold air perhaps "last" in place of "make it?"
I suppose the bat would sleep on chairs too perhaps comma after "chairs"
but certainly wouldn't eat those people's food em dash to connect with next line?
Too scared
They come around, she flits away, agenda and all
right over to the next side of the people's wall I picture a Mayan hut here, with one wall separating public porch and private after-court.
The rat, a blood-sucking, badly-behaved rabid animal perhaps lose "a" here?
terrorized the poor cat
The rat originates from the other side of the wall
But she has no true home is "true" necessary?
With light eyes and an expired relationship with the bat, intriguing line
The rat roams about lose "about" here?
in search of home, not just a house
She has no purpose,
no one will love her. but you just said... (great final line, though)
-VikaJigulina
Quite interesting. You establish a slightly different grammar here, using capitalization that implies but does not show a period just before it. You might try conventional, with periods (and occasional other marks of punctuation like colon and em dash), but the only real disadvantage is that the missing periods don't tell a reader when a longer pause is expected. Keeps the reader on his toes, you do.
Most of the above suggestions (that's all they are, mind) are about removing words to improve or smooth the flow. You may not want that - there's a patter-rhythm which can certainly be intentional.
(At the end, I only mean that you just stated right out that the rat's purpose is to find a home - then also state she has no purpose. Perhaps you could bring down "agenda" from the previous stanza?)
On the whole, quite a nice concept. I was a little confused by L5's "nasty" and "snare," but they're thought-provokingly different from the terms usually applied to cats.
Non-practicing atheist
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