The pit of festering memories

[Kerbonzo_beenz]

Mucus membrane wrapped in cellophane.
Eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: just tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, the rotten little things; no longer can they be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, full of broken toys and festering memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours sprawling bodies inside and then promptly drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy all dress in black today.
But nothing can be said to console this mound of earth, so be quiet -- the children are sleeping.

[busker]

Some interesting, if inconsistent imagery.
'Spreaded' should be replaced with 'spread'.
'Rotting' is not something that we associate with teeth. While the pulp can rot, the vast majority doesn't, and enamel itself is virtually indestructible. While we do refer to 'rotting teeth' in the context of someone with severe tooth decay, that is again, restricted to the pulp. In all probability, you do not intend to call the teeth literally rotten, but the choice of adjective serves to distract.
At any rate, 'crushed into dreams' is hard to make sense of. Maybe 'crushed like dreams' would be more appropriate.
A dump truck doesn't 'back away' after dumping, as it dumps at the back.
It is not the silhouette of a dump truck that pours etc but the truck itself.

On the positive side, 'tinker toys' as a metaphor for severed arms and legs is nice.
Good one.

EDIT - I have corrected my earlier point about 'crushed into dreams', because I missed the point about the tooth fairy. That's actually a clever idea. Nice one.

[Kerbonzo_beenz]

Some interesting, if inconsistent imagery.
'Spreaded' should be replaced with 'spread'.
'Rotting' is not something that we associate with teeth. While the pulp can rot, the vast majority doesn't, and enamel itself is virtually indestructible. While we do refer to 'rotting teeth' in the context of someone with severe tooth decay, that is again, restricted to the pulp. In all probability, you do not intend to call the teeth literally rotten, but the choice of adjective serves to distract.
At any rate, 'crushed into dreams' is hard to make sense of. Maybe 'crushed like dreams' would be more appropriate.
A dump truck doesn't 'back away' after dumping, as it dumps at the back.
It is not the silhouette of a dump truck that pours etc but the truck itself.

On the positive side, 'tinker toys' as a metaphor for severed arms and legs is nice.
Good one.

EDIT - I have corrected my earlier point about 'crushed into dreams', because I missed the point about the tooth fairy. That's actually a clever idea. Nice one.

Oop, you are right about the truck backing up, slipped my mind.
I was wondering if it was spread or spreaded so I just decided to go the safe route.
In this case the rotting teeth I may keep in because I don't think the audience will notice.
I was wondering if this was a little cliche but I think it was well recieved, thank you for being fair.
Tell me the next time you make a poem, I'll be happy to give my thoughts; though, I am new to critiqueing.

[busker]

Cool.
Also, something to be mindful of: sometimes the critic will miss the mark and give you advice that makes the poem worse, not better. It is quite a difficult thing to revise a poem and it can take months or years to get the right word or phrase in place. Ultimately, it will always be up to you to figure out how to continuously improve your work.
Good luck.

[TranquillityBase]

Mucus membrane wrapped in cellophane.
Eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: just tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, the rotten little things; no longer can they be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, full of broken toys and memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours sprawling bodies inside and then promptly drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy all dress in black today.
But nothing can be said to console this mound of earth, so be quiet -- the children are sleeping.

Hi KB,

If this were my poem, which it is not, I'd break the lines thus:

Mucus membrane wrapped in cellophane.
eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: 
just tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, the rotten little things; 
no longer can they be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, 
full of broken toys and memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours 
sprawling bodies inside and then promptly drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy 
all dress in black today.
But nothing can be said to console 
this mound of earth, so be quiet -- 
the children are sleeping.

Other than that, the imagery has impact, in the way a nightmare has impact.  Dismemberment, mass burial, children, machine vs. humanity, loss of innocence, a "Frankenstein" vibe; all this and more is dredged up in my mind's eye when I read your poem.  And I like it, it is a big step beyond "Trapped" in my opinion.  thanks for sharing.

My one serious gripe is the title.  don't like the title one bit.  I think it gives away too much before the reader even gets to the poem.

TqB

[Kerbonzo_beenz]

Mucus membrane wrapped in cellophane.
Eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: just tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, the rotten little things; no longer can they be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, full of broken toys and memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours sprawling bodies inside and then promptly drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy all dress in black today.
But nothing can be said to console this mound of earth, so be quiet -- the children are sleeping.

Hi KB,

If this were my poem, which it is not, I'd break the lines thus:

Mucus membrane wrapped in cellophane.
eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: 
just tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, the rotten little things; 
no longer can they be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, 
full of broken toys and memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours 
sprawling bodies inside and then promptly drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy 
all dress in black today.
But nothing can be said to console 
this mound of earth, so be quiet -- 
the children are sleeping.

Other than that, the imagery has impact, in the way a nightmare has impact.  Dismemberment, mass burial, children, machine vs. humanity, loss of innocence, a "Frankenstein" vibe; all this and more is dredged up in my mind's eye when I read your poem.  And I like it, it is a big step beyond "Trapped" in my opinion.  thanks for sharing.

My one serious gripe is the title.  don't like the title one bit.  I think it gives away too much before the reader even gets to the poem.

TqB

I've recently joined drama class and I want to be able to orate my poems.
So it is a major help to me when you can help me perfect them.
Thank you, for replying.

[FrenchToast]

Mucus membrane 
wrapped in cellophane.
Eyeballs spread around like marbles.
Piles of dismembered arms and legs: 
tinker toys left out in the rain.

Jars of teeth, 
the rotten little things; 
no longer will be crushed into dreams.
A play pit, twenty feet down below, 
full of broken toys and (you might want to add a word here) memories.

The sillhouette of a dump truck pours sprawling bodies inside 
and then hastily drives away.
Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy all dress in black today
but nothing can be said to console this mound of earth, so be quiet -- the children are sleeping.

-Tis a dark poem, indeed. I subtracted some things and added in a bit to show what I would change. I think a few breaks can be made where there are none so I moved some lines where I think that would be appropriate. Cheers!