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Eye of Ajax
As war becomes remote-controlled
it paradoxically grows less remote:
video from tele-guided missile
riding it to local execution
no less personal than brawny Ajax
crushing Trojans with a boulder.
No wonder their opponents drag
such Americans as they can catch
through their village like Achilles
‘round the fated walls of Troy.
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This is deluxe stuff, Duke. The way you brought the Trojan War to life in our time is masterful.
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Good work duke-
As war becomes remote-controlled
it paradoxically grows less remote
Very astute observation.
"...riding it to local execution"
That's a killer phrase.
No wonder their opponents drag
such Americans as they can catch
through their village like Achilles
‘round the fated walls of Troy.
Bravo. The last stanza speaks to the endless cycle of wars, while adding an immediate, personal touch; great comparison between "then" and "now".
The slightly shorter length of the last line adds punch; the accents fall effectively, as well.
Thanks,
Mark
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(10-01-2021, 06:01 AM)dukealien Wrote: Eye of Ajax
As war becomes remote-controlled
it paradoxically grows less remote:
video from tele-guided missile
riding it to local execution
no less personal than brawny Ajax
crushing Trojans with a boulder.
No wonder their opponents drag
such Americans as they can catch
through their village like Achilles
‘round the fated walls of Troy.
I like the idea, but the parallel is confusing
If America is the Greeks, because of Ajax, then the villagers dragging Hector’s body wouldn’t hold.
America would also be Achilles, not Hector.
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10-01-2021, 02:29 PM
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2021, 08:26 PM by RiverNotch.)
It doesn't read to me as if the Americans are one side or the other -- in this case, everyone's Greek, everyone's Trojan, everyone's savage.
Lines two to four really break in rhythm, but in a wonderful way, reflecting the chaos of war, and I like the subtle alliteration between "paradoxically" and "execution", especially with how one leads to the other through the long-vowel arc of "tele-guided missile / riding": it's very evocative. A little bothered by the apostrophe at the end -- would prefer it either removed or replaced with an "a" -- but that doesn't really matter. Maybe making the sides track more, as per busker's suggestion, would be the substantive edit of choice, but overall, what a bombshell xD.
Still fanatically reading it xD maybe shorten "personal" to "close"? "personal" breaks the rhythm much like "paradoxically" but in a less purposeful way. The second stanza nearly echoes the first in terms of rhythm, which again is great -- first two lines are chaotic, second two lines are consistently trochaic, which may be what motivates this suggestion.
And maybe change "boulder" to "stone"?
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Really good, Duke.
Thankfully in Misc because I wouldn't dare touch it.
A little humbling, actually.
Creative, compact and cutting.
Thanks for this one!
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Hi Duke,
excellent work.
Two ever so small nits,
anything a bit bloodier than 'crushing with a boulder'?
And I don't think you need 'fated' (the homonyn doesn't help) - simpler is better, I think.
Best, Knot
.
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Thought I might be on to something with this one, but surprised and gratified by the comments.
I'm aware of problems, particularly "fated" of which this is not even the twelfth definition. And using "less" twice.
To those concerned by both sides being Greeks, @RiverNotch has the idea: there were despicable characters on both sides (Paris, Agamemnon) and the only one without serious character flaws was Hector... on the other side. Of course Achilles' wrath, Patroclus' desperate desire to be worthy, etc., make the others all well rounded but not perfectly admirable. (I almost stuck in "hectoring Americans" by way of an epithet). Is it a shock that the Somali, Taliban, and Libyan opposition are Achilles? Even a suicide bomber is a hero to someone, and we all know that on a visceral level logic and patriotism can't reach.
On a personal note (which should go in a PS/spoiler but that may still be buggy) - read no further if you don't care to...
In ancient times when dinosaurs ruled the earth and I was a shiny-faced brownbar tending missiles, it was push-button warfare: you ran the punch cards, pushed the buttons, turned the keys, the missile blew a little smoke ring and took flight. The next you heard of it was from the pterodactyl-riders in Strike Assessment.
Today, from what I've read and seen, it's joystick warfare. You follow a tan Toyota pickup truck around for a couple of days, then finally pickle off a very small missile which you follow all the way down on video until it bursts through the cab roof and kills the guy in the passenger seat with a dam' SWORD - like a dumb-dumb bullet from "Roger Rabbit." While you watch from the drone, or in actuality from a hangar in Nevada.
I'm not saying this retail killing is worse than wholesale strategic nuclear hecatombs, but its precision is deceptive and being micro-tactical seems to rationalize an overall and complete lack of strategy.
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