09-20-2021, 01:39 PM
I have a memory
and it's a rather loud memory
that plays at the front of my mind
all day long,
repeating like a song
on the radio
that is a really bad one hit wonder.
The strangest thing about this memory
is that it hasn't happened yet
but I can see it
vividly,
like something being played on a screen
over and over
rewinding like the worst movie
that anyone has ever seen
and it makes me want to scream
and then curl up into a ball,
cry,
and promptly die.
I wonder
if this is what hell feels like
because this
is my version of hell.
It starts like this.
It's a gloomy afternoon in December
and to be sure
it is one of the most perfect days
because I like gloomy days
more than ones in the heat
and I enjoy a day in December
far more than I've ever enjoyed
a day in the summer
because in December
there's Christmas
and Christmas is full of surprises.
So Christmas day rolls around
and I've unwrapped presents with the kids
and am sharing a moment that I never thought would exist,
one where I'm finally done facing my current problems,
and I decide to go for a stroll
sometime around three o'clock
and as I round the corner outside of the library,
I am in shock
to find
my worst nightmare
unfolding in front of my eyes
like a prize
that is well deserved.
As I gaze at the gazebo,
I gaze
upon the one that gazed at me
and for the first time in a while
I see,
his face lit up
and it takes me back
to that day
when it was just he and I
and the rush of summer that drifted by,
staying away from the rain
and I replay,
replay,
replay
the rain,
the pain,
but the happiness all the same
as what culminated
culminates
in the darkest part of my brain
and I feel like I'm going insane
while my mouth meets golden shores
and sands of sugar cane
so sweet that it would give you a toothache.
As I'm lost in the memory
I realize
that he hasn't seen me
but I also realize that I don't want him to
because there,
as I try
to find words,
lies
a brunette with sparkling eyes
and golden thighs
and in my mind
I make a b-line
for anywhere else but here
but I'm stuck in place
because she's making him smile
and I,
I
used to be the one who did that
and as my heart pounds with a quickening pace
and my thoughts begin to race,
my mouth going dry with a bitter taste,
he turns his head and I stare in horror
as our eyes meet.
So, I turn and I bolt
around the corner
out of sight,
a tear running down my cheek
as I try to fight
the urge to go back and say something
because what is the point in saying something?
What is the use in saying something?
He doesn't love me anymore
and as my mind leaves the memory
that has never happened
I shudder
because I know it will happen
and it will probably happen soon.
It will probably happen soon.
I guess I'm just not over him.
and it's a rather loud memory
that plays at the front of my mind
all day long,
repeating like a song
on the radio
that is a really bad one hit wonder.
The strangest thing about this memory
is that it hasn't happened yet
but I can see it
vividly,
like something being played on a screen
over and over
rewinding like the worst movie
that anyone has ever seen
and it makes me want to scream
and then curl up into a ball,
cry,
and promptly die.
I wonder
if this is what hell feels like
because this
is my version of hell.
It starts like this.
It's a gloomy afternoon in December
and to be sure
it is one of the most perfect days
because I like gloomy days
more than ones in the heat
and I enjoy a day in December
far more than I've ever enjoyed
a day in the summer
because in December
there's Christmas
and Christmas is full of surprises.
So Christmas day rolls around
and I've unwrapped presents with the kids
and am sharing a moment that I never thought would exist,
one where I'm finally done facing my current problems,
and I decide to go for a stroll
sometime around three o'clock
and as I round the corner outside of the library,
I am in shock
to find
my worst nightmare
unfolding in front of my eyes
like a prize
that is well deserved.
As I gaze at the gazebo,
I gaze
upon the one that gazed at me
and for the first time in a while
I see,
his face lit up
and it takes me back
to that day
when it was just he and I
and the rush of summer that drifted by,
staying away from the rain
and I replay,
replay,
replay
the rain,
the pain,
but the happiness all the same
as what culminated
culminates
in the darkest part of my brain
and I feel like I'm going insane
while my mouth meets golden shores
and sands of sugar cane
so sweet that it would give you a toothache.
As I'm lost in the memory
I realize
that he hasn't seen me
but I also realize that I don't want him to
because there,
as I try
to find words,
lies
a brunette with sparkling eyes
and golden thighs
and in my mind
I make a b-line
for anywhere else but here
but I'm stuck in place
because she's making him smile
and I,
I
used to be the one who did that
and as my heart pounds with a quickening pace
and my thoughts begin to race,
my mouth going dry with a bitter taste,
he turns his head and I stare in horror
as our eyes meet.
So, I turn and I bolt
around the corner
out of sight,
a tear running down my cheek
as I try to fight
the urge to go back and say something
because what is the point in saying something?
What is the use in saying something?
He doesn't love me anymore
and as my mind leaves the memory
that has never happened
I shudder
because I know it will happen
and it will probably happen soon.
It will probably happen soon.
I guess I'm just not over him.
