Second Chance

[Namyh]

Second Chance

My Love slammed the door. It shut as a tomb,
like sound sucked empty from a symphony room
where no music played, where no feet light danced.
Gone was my Love, my last best chance.

300 feet per second is, I know, the speed of pain
as it travels thru the body on its way to the brain
but a breaking heart is witness to a fear coming faster
when sorrow’s Beast of impact charges reinless, without master.

My breathing’s getting deep. I seem to need more breath.
I’m fighting back the tears where they exit from the jets.
I feel the quaking gallop of that Beast’s pounding beckon
leaping, lunging closer to me, 300 feet per second.

Then Bam! comes the “crash” and my tears gush forth
as they stream down rippling in a saline sad froth.
For my sorrow is a smash-up, a shattering of parts,
cracked pieces blown-off from my now broken heart.

I slump in non-recovery. There my energy dwindles longer,
teetering on the drip drops of tears crying stronger
and dreading the coming moment I resign to a Fate
without hope of any time, without chance of any mate.

Then Abrupt! The door opens! My Love walks inside
and my heart sings a Mending-of-the-Tears lullaby.
And just when I thought “All” was lost or dead,
Love stands in my doorway, back with coffee and bread.

Namyh

[TranquillityBase]

I'll be back to say more later, but I love the "Beast of impact" sections (stanzas 2-4).

****************************************

A while back I took an online lesson in revising poems, and one of the many wise things the teacher said was that often the real poem is somewhere in the middle of a completed text.  I think that's the case with this poem.  So I'm going to mainly comment on those stanzas.

300 feet per second is, I know, the speed of pain

as it travels thru the body on its way to the brain
but a breaking heart is witness to a fear coming faster
when sorrow’s Beast of impact charges reinless, without master.       this ending seems forced.

My breathing’s getting deep. I seem to need more breath.     see if you can avoid repeating breath
I’m fighting back the tears where they exit from the jets.
I feel the quaking gallop of that Beast’s pounding beckon
leaping, lunging closer to me, 300 feet per second.

Then Bam! comes the “crash” and my tears gush forth
as they stream down rippling in a saline sad froth.             froth implies bubbles in the tears, which seems unnatural
For my sorrow is a smash-up, a shattering of parts,
cracked pieces blown-off from my now broken heart.       something besides "broken"

I think these stanzas could stand on their own as a poem.  So that's my 2 cents.
TqB