Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
08-26-2021, 07:00 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-26-2021, 08:24 AM by Tiger the Lion.)
Smitten
Strike me dead
if I don't love you
more than sense suggests,
a trillionfold more
than two heartbeats ago
and much too much
for a jealous God to condone.
Strike me dead
if eternity ceases to be
a private joke
between you and me.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-26-2021, 07:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Smitten
Strike me dead
if I don't love you
more than sense suggests,
a trillionfold more
than two heartbeats ago
and much too much
for a jealous God to condone.
Strike me dead
if eternity ceases to be
a private joke
between you and me.
Did you strike a final "Strike me dead" from this poem? Or was I hallucinating last night when I first read it. I miss it if you did.
TqB
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(08-27-2021, 10:35 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (08-26-2021, 07:00 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Smitten
Strike me dead
if I don't love you
more than sense suggests,
a trillionfold more
than two heartbeats ago
and much too much
for a jealous God to condone.
Strike me dead
if eternity ceases to be
a private joke
between you and me.
Did you strike a final "Strike me dead" from this poem? Or was I hallucinating last night when I first read it. I miss it if you did.
TqB
No. You're not hallucinating. I struck the last strike and changed you and I to you and me. I thought the end rhyme tied it up nicely. Maybe not.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
(08-28-2021, 07:27 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: No. You're not hallucinating. I struck the last strike and changed you and I to you and me. I thought the end rhyme tied it up nicely. Maybe not.
I missed that change to "me". I take it all back. I'd been on the road a lot yesterday. Not being careful in my reading.
*************************
On third thought, I still miss the last "Strike me dead". Your new ending is better, but I liked the way the repetition worked of a final "Strike me dead".
Posts: 471
Threads: 204
Joined: Dec 2017
S2 I liked…mildly
I felt the hyperbole was too deliberate
The rest of the poem was a bit …: for lack of a better word, bland
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(08-29-2021, 10:45 AM)busker Wrote: S2 I liked…mildly
I felt the hyperbole was too deliberate
The rest of the poem was a bit …: for lack of a better word, bland
Ya, you're right.
Posts: 894
Threads: 176
Joined: Jan 2021
I feel complelled to disagree. Simple maybe, but bland?
Perhaps it's my empathy for love poems and blasphemy, but I haven't read anything like it before. That makes it worth more than one read for me.
Strike me dead if I'm wrong.
Posts: 751
Threads: 408
Joined: May 2014
(08-31-2021, 04:15 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: I feel complelled to disagree. Simple maybe, but bland?
Perhaps it's my empathy for love poems and blasphemy, but I haven't read anything like it before. That makes it worth more than one read for me.
Strike me dead if I'm wrong.
Appreciate that, TB. I was agreeing with Busker that the hyperbole was a little forced and also that, even if bland wasn't the exact right word, in the end the poem wasn't quite meaty enough. So I didn't really disagree with anything Busker offered and wanted to acknowledge that. Also, I was trying to convey a sort of idolatry more than blasphemy. The theme of idolatry and the interplay between "smitten" and "strike me dead" somehow became more important to me than the poem as a whole, so I'm not surprised a discerning reader would find it lacking. Positive and negative observations are both useful. This is why we practice.
Posts: 5
Threads: 1
Joined: Apr 2014
Tiger the Lion - What's eternity when you can amass a "trillionfold more of Love" between two heartbeats. Whoa! That puts a Tiger in my tank and that's no joke. Thanks for the refill TL. Most enjoyed. Namyh
