Fire Burning Slowly

[MadameTigress]

As hot as fire, it burns to touch
My mind set evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I’m making you my pawn, my toy

I’ll twist you’re your bones
Make you cry, hear your screams through the night
Your just another ugly kid, just another drone
When you think I’m done, well you better keep your eyes shut tight

The howling winds of winter, won’t cover up your pleads
Cause’ in my house no one gets to leave
Once, twice the stabbing of the heart, they won’t find the missing leads
That’s what they did to mine, and it just heaved

As hot as fire, it burns to touch
My mind was set evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I made you my pawn, my toy

[billy]

As hot as fire, it burns to touch 'as hot as fire' is a common phrase in poetry (cliché) if you think you heard a phrase before then it's prob cliché
My mind set evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I’m making you my pawn, my toy try and give an image, how will i be you're paw etc

I’ll twist you’re your bones
Make you cry, hear your screams through the night images, give one to make us feel
Your just another ugly kid, just another drone
When you think I’m done, well you better keep your eyes shut tight

The howling winds of winter, won’t cover up your pleads pleas
Cause’ in my house no one gets to leave
Once, twice the stabbing of the heart, they won’t find the missing leads
That’s what they did to mine, and it just heaved

As hot as fire, it burns to touch
My mind was set evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I made you my pawn, my toy

i think you have the base for a good poem Tigress. with a few images and a few less cliche i think you can make this shine. jmo.
while the end rhymes work they do feel a little forced. feel free to ask about anything you'r not sure of.

thanks for the read.

[MadameTigress]

thanks for the advice! :-)

[addy]

As hot as fire, it burns to touch
My mind set "mindset" just one word evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I’m making you my pawn, my toy

I’ll twist you’re your bones Is it "I'll twist your bones?"
Make you cry, hear your screams through the night
Your just another ugly kid, just another drone
When you think I’m done, well you better keep your eyes shut tight

The howling winds of winter, don't need comma won’t cover up your pleads
Cause’ in my house no one gets to leave
Once, twice the stabbing of the heart, they won’t find the missing leads
That’s what they did to mine, and it just heaved

As hot as fire, it burns to touch
My mind was set evil, looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt people, well not much
I made you my pawn, my toy

There are good images here, and I like the narrative voice you write with (can easily slide to vernacular, but still refined). My biggest suggestion, probably, is to phrase your lines so you don't always have to break them up with commas, which I see a lot of in the poem. It's all right to have them sparingly, but using commas to break up phrases too much defeats the purpose of line breaks in the poem. It's still best to make wise use of your line breaks to break up your phrases the way you want. Just imo

[waitingforgodet]

I think you have a basis for a good poem here; however, I'm not clear on what your intent is: Sadism, Dominatrix, revenge on men because of what they made this woman become? Any theme can work, though. I like some of your lines a lot:
I made you my pawn--perhaps I might break some of your lines into two lines.
I made you my toy--or,

My mind was set evil.
I was looking to destroy.
I made you my pawn.
I made you my toy.

Would probably take out, "I don't usually hurt people, well not much."'

or,

I'll twist your bones.
I want to hear you cry.
Make you scream through the night.
You're just an ugly kid;
you're just one of many drones.

I hope some of what I suggest has been helpful--jim

[Todd]

Hello M Tigress,

I'm going to take some liberties with this poem because I'm wondering if the cadence would come out better if it was a chant with shorter lines. Bear with me if it doesn't work for you (please ignore I mean no offense). Also, you may want to reconsider either your title or your first line: Fire Burning Slowly is a good title but than putting fire in the first line robs you of the ability to let the title work for you. It's a missed opportunity. I'm not going to suggest anything to change it to, I just think you should consider looking at it. Here's how this would read as a chant (with a few very minor edits and cuts thrown in. I'll correct the minor typos as I see them):

As hot as fire,
burns to touch (something more unexpected here would be nice)
My mindset evil,
looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt (doing a line break like this gives interesting layering of meaning)
people, well not much
I’m making you
my pawn, my toy

I’ll twist your bones
Make you cry,
hear your screams
through the night
just another ugly kid,
just another drone
You think I’m done,
you better keep your eyes
shut tight

The howling winds
of winter, won’t cover
up your pleas
Cause’ in my house
no one gets to leave
Once, twice the stabbing
of the heart, they won’t find
the missing leads
That’s what they did to mine,
and it just heaved

As hot as fire,
burns to touch
My mindset evil,
looking to destroy
I don’t usually hurt
people, well not much
I made you
my pawn, my toy

I don't know maybe not the perfect shifting but wanted to give you anohter way to look at it. I hope it was helpful.

Best,

Todd