The Phenomenologist's Sea

[Brian Roberts]

The Phenomenologist's Sea


How long the day protracts in one
whose days are short- but maritime
confounds temporal lag and scrum
and clockwise accusations' chime.

The bellowing sea bowels churn,
to muster forth in monotone.
The wayward winds plow waves in turn,
to till the deliquescent foam.

I see the sunlight's charted jut
where sunsprites flash, like diamonds bailed
from pirate decks through pillaged glut
I taste littoral points of sail

I watch the nascent sun at stress,
and shed its mane, thereby decline
and leak laked light, like burst egress
of peonies siphoned for their shine
I see the tract of Sol digress-
What gallery the rupture's shrine!
Yet morn's incline was artful jest
To steep its ball in darksome brine.

In lofty sentience I have feigned
belief that the diurnal stretch
to shoreline strove to, with amain,
absolve my bane with saline drench.

Vast Ocean! Whose moon-cited swell
Reduced the proudest peak to fen,
Digests skyscrapers, retches whales,
But can't abduct the strife within.

[TranquillityBase]

The Phenomenologist's Sea


How long the day protracts in one
whose days are short- but maritime
confounds temporal lag or scrum            and instead of or
and clockwise accusations' chime.

The bellowing sea bowels churn,
to muster forth in monotone.
The wayward winds plow waves in turn,
to till the deliquescent foam.

I see the sunlight's charted jut
where sunsprites flash, like diamonds bailed   "diamonds bailed" doesn't work for me; "flailed"?
from pirate decks through pillage, glut           pillaged glut?  glut seems left out there all alone
I taste littoral points of sail

I watch the nascent sun at stress,
and shed its mane, thereby decline
and leak laked light, like burst egress
of peonies siphoned for their shine

I see the tract of Sol digress-                  track instead of tract
What gallery the rupture's shrine!           not clear on what's been ruptured
Yet morn's incline was artful jest
To steep its ball in darksome brine.

In lofty sentience I have feigned
belief that the diurnal stretch
to shoreline strove but to amain             amain: I don't think amain works here, or understand what it's modifying
absolve my bane with saline drench.

Vast Ocean! Whose moon-cited swell
Reduced the proudest peak to fen,
Digests skyscrapers, retches whales,
But can't abduct the strife within.          deduct?

Brian,

A few suggestions (mostly individual words) that attempt to be in keeping with your style.  Speaking of which, your poems remind me a lot of my first favorite poet, Dylan Thomas.  You have a distinct voice and vocabulary, so I don't mean that you are mimicking his style, but the density of the lines are similar.  Because of that density, your poem will be called obscure (his were and probably still are).  I don't consider that a curse, but a blessing.  But it's not for everybody.....and I don't mean that in an elitist way.  It's a difficult poem, but to me worth the effort.  

I found myself looking up a lot of words, not because I didn't know their meaning so much, but to make sure they really belonged.

My favorite of the three I've studied for critiquing.

TqB