Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined
yet they are.
How could decades of snow and rain
have left such smooth chestnut patinas?
And this day they show no chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-sparkles with reflected radiance
from this final monument.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old roadside wrecks.
But of its cool quartz daytime headlights
only one
is lit.
edit 2;
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined
yet they are.
Warm chestnut brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust, no elements
would be so kind? They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-sparkles with reflected radiance
from this final monument.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old roadside wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
edit1;
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust? No elements
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
original version;
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long vee-eight noses aimed toward a road
they may not ride. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined yet they are, they are.
Brown, brown and brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust, no elements
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury runs by
dismissively, far too superior
to bother with round brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
Running out of gas working on this one; thinking of "bling" instead of "pride" but seems out of place or time.
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned does air-flow need captialization?
long vee-eight noses aimed toward a road. V-8 ?
they may not ride. Fender to fender cannot ?
running-board to running-board they rest round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined yet they are, they are. Brown, brown and brown so uniform and smooth I don't think this repetition works
how could it just be rust, no elements
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass the ?
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury runs by glides
dismissively, far too superior
to bother withround brown old wrecks. acknowledge? / don't think you need to repeat "round" and "brown".....would "aerodynamic" be too much?
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
Running out of gas working on this one; thinking of "bling" instead of "pride" but seems out of place or time.
Duke,
Interesting read. Some things I'd change noted.
As to bling vs pride, I'd go with pride. Bling definitely doesn't belong. What about "delight"?
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust? No elements
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
broken, yes, but not bereft of pride.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
Thanks for the good critique. As I see it, "Airflow" remains a trademark (as, in a way, "Beamer" is). Otherwise, changes to address some of the issues raised.
really enjoyed this vignette of 'faded glory', in fact, would have liked a bit more description/characterisation of the cars. (There must be some differences/distinctions between the nine cars, mustn't there?) Not quite sure you pulled off all the repetitions successfully (didn't quite sing, but close).
Vanitas
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned - don't think you need 'lie all' (not sure that cars do 'lie' anyway). Are these 1930s era cars?
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender,
running-board to running-board - these two descriptions seem at odds (back to front and side to side, so nine cars in two unequal rows?)
they rest round, round in ways - don't buy the 'round, round' repetition. Maybe it's the punctuation.
yet they are, they are.
Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth - don't think 'chocolate' works that well here. Doesn't suggest the ravages of time, rather something comforting.
how could it just be rust? No elements - not keen on the line break. But the anguished question is very nice.
would be so kind. They show no glint of chrome - lost on 'kind' (this is a merciful fading away?) And 'they' seems to refer to elements. Also, given the preceding, that they show 'no glint of chrome' is obvious.
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds - weakest part for me duke. The diamonds cliché and the confusing 'sun-flashes' (the next part, with the broken light suggest, if not night, then dusk.) broken, yes, but not bereft of pride. - I think you could just lose this line. It's a bit 'editorial' and I think 'pride' is implicit in your tone throughout.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit. - It doesn't feel like quite enough of a punchline. (And is it a reflection on the car, or the state of the roads? )
Just a thought.
Down the road a sapphire Beamer dismissively superior, gleaming liquid luxury glides past
their row, Nine Airflow-era cars aligned long V-8 noses aimed toward a road they ride no more. Running-board
to running-board, they rest, chrome rounded carriages curved in ways that seem no longer streamlined
yet they were, they are. Warm chocolate-brown so uniform and smooth - how could it just be rust?
No elements would be so kind. but as traffic passes all their glass sun-flashes brighter than cut diamonds
But of [the beamers] cool quartz headlights, only one is lit.
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined
yet they are.
Warm chestnut brown so uniform and smooth
how could it just be rust, no elements
would be so kind? They show no glint of chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-sparkles with reflected radiance
from this final monument.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old roadside wrecks.
But of its cool quartz headlights only one
is lit.
Thanks to @Knot for the good critique. Spoilers below on why I left what I did.
The cars are lined up side by side, very close (maybe touching). An Airflow car has large, bulbous, streamlined fenders which stick out as far as the running boards which connect them, so both fenders and running boards could be in contact, or at least adjacent. I don't see much way to make this apparent without detailing what I mean by Airflow in many words, so the whole concept would have to go. Which is, of course, an option.
And, without being defensive, the point about the one headlight working on the Beamer is missable. Without editorializing or summarizing (got away from that at the end of what's now S2, I hope), the point is that the Beamer's vainly pleased with its perfection, not realizing that decay and age have already given it, as it were, a squint. If that's not getting across, it needs to be better expressed, but how?
And there's a lot of alliteration which may look like/be padding. At least the repetition is mostly gone .
the point is that the Beamer's vainly pleased with its perfection, not realizing that decay and age have already given it, as it were, a squint. This seemed the likeliest interpretation, but I couldn't shake that doubt that it had been caused, not be decay, but by accident. A further thought is would it make more sense if it were a tail-light? Surely the driver would notice if a head-light wasn't working by the lack of light on the road ahead? (Perhaps change 'is lit' to 'comes on' - or whatever the American version of that phrase might be) - suggesting that night is coming. Just a thought
If that's not getting across, it needs to be better expressed, but how?
I'm not sure this is better but perhaps make a trilogy out of dismissively and concerned, as in
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old roadside wrecks.
unmindful, that of its cool quartz headlights
only one is lit.
?
Or just stick to your guns.
so the whole concept would have to go. Which is, of course, an option. Not on my account, I hope. I like this elegy, but, as with those old cars, I think it could benefit from a bit more polishing
Still going to come back at you about aligned (thanks for the explanation, by the way. These are 1930s era cars then?) - given your nose to running board description, why do you need aligned at all (other than the music, obviously)?
Beside the highway mile marker
restingground, round in ways
that seem no longer streamlined
yet they are. Nine Airflow-era cars
are stationed, Fender to fender
running-board to running-board
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they'll ride no more.
S2, Like the change to chestnut with its autumnal associations, not so keen on the 'it' of S2/L2. It's a bit nondescript. How could such _____ be rust? What element / would be so kind? I think it should be 'what element' or you might change the punctuation here.
On the other hand, and just to contradict myself completely, if you cut the first line of this verse I think it might be an improvement.
how could it just be rust? no elements
would be so kind They show no glint
of chrome but as traffic passes all their glass
Is there an alternative to 'glint' that captures some of the original appeal of chrome?
Still troubled by 'sun-sparkles' - to me 'as traffic passes' suggests that the 'radiance' of the glass is caused by it being caught in the beams of their headlights (so leading to the Cyclopean beamer in the next verse), the sun seems out of place.
And that last line, the 'monument', do you need that? And how 'from'?
S3, I don't think the repetition of 'brown' pulls its weight.
I like this version 3, but I would agree that bringing the "sun" into it confuses me as to time of day. I'm reading it as twilight at the least, or dusk, if there's a difference. So the glass would shine more like stars than the sun.
Nine Airflow-era cars lie all aligned
long V-8 noses aimed toward a road
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
round, round in ways that seem
no longer streamlined
yet they are.
How could decades of snow and rain
have left such smooth chestnut patinas?
And this day they show no chrome
but as traffic passes all their glass
remaining – splinters, panels, triangles -
sun-sparkles with reflected radiance
from this final monument.
Down their facing road a sapphire Beamer
gleaming liquid luxury slides by
dismissively, far too superior
to be concerned with brown old roadside wrecks.
But of its cool quartz daytime headlights
only one
is lit.
Many thanks to the most recent critics, particularly @Brian Roberts who made me finally ponder why readers were seeing this as a night scene. Y'see, I cheated (on this as in many other poems): I was actually there and saw all this, so it was obvious to me that it took place on a sunny afternoon. Readers picked up the only clue (headlight) and thought night time with flashes from the broken glass as confusion. I may have overdone the time of day by mentioning it twice now, but hope this makes it as clear as necessary.
Concerning "brown"
I had skin color at least in the back of my mind - Arlo Guthrie's "graveyards full of old black men," for example - but it was not necessary or important so the repetition is gone.
if the time of day matters (and does it, really?), couldn't you include a reference in the first verse somewhere?
I don't think 'this day' does the job, and really should be 'today', while 'daytime headlights', as I suspect you know yourself, is very clunky. That said, searching ' 'daytime headlight' produces pages of 'running lights' - so maybe that instead?
they ride no more. Fender to fender
running-board to running-board they rest
this afternoon, round,
round in ways that seem
S1 - should there be a period after 'rest' (L4)? I really think the first 'round' should be 'Round'
S3 - 'brown old' ? 'old, brown' surely
Not sure you've quite nailed S2 - do you need 'of snow and rain' after 'decades' for instance? And I kind of miss the 'how could it just be rust' question. I don't think the rephrasing has that same melancholy. Rather more a piqued curiosity.
Non-practicing atheist
)
.