Hawthorne
#1
[font=Georgia, "Times New Roman", Times, serif]HAWTHORNE[/font]

[font=Georgia, "Times New Roman", Times, serif]Surely it wasn't the storm of dusty bones...........
the evanescent rose parading hematite growth
grown by the light of hermetically sealed tomes
under and within the canopy of fresh-aired domes

bitter colonists working at redrock through dim shadow
to be banished from the good star sphere
and marked in their aching minds
with acid gamma and dry, unpollinated aire

yet, this unshamed shame uncrossed and liberated
the new per annum tax code
the martian year: some six hundred and sixty fucking days
by tour of Sol[/font]
plutocratic polyphonous pandering 
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#2
What happened to the formatting, I think you need to get rid of those brackets.

This is insufficient critique for this forum. 
—Quix
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#3
(05-05-2021, 01:03 AM)Thunderembargo Wrote:  [font=Georgia, "Times New Roman", Times, serif]HAWTHORNE[/font]

[font=Georgia, "Times New Roman", Times, serif]Surely it wasn't the storm of dusty bones...........
the evanescent rose parading hematite growth
grown by the light of hermetically sealed tomes
under and within the canopy of fresh-aired domes

bitter colonists working at redrock through dim shadow
to be banished from the good star sphere                   is this earth?  if so (or if not), I'd like something more descriptive.
and marked in their aching minds
with acid gamma and dry, unpollinated aire                 ?

yet, this unshamed shame uncrossed and liberated
the new per annum tax code
the martian year: some six hundred and sixty fucking days
by tour of Sol[/font]

I was really enjoying this poem but the business about the tax code seems like a weak ending.  Maybe that should be at the beginning? or the title?  First two stanzas are very interesting, although I puzzled a bit about "gamma acid".
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#4
Hello T-bargo-
Some comments below:

Surely it wasn't the storm of dusty bones........... excellent hook
the evanescent rose parading hematite growth
grown by the light of hermetically sealed tomes
under and within the canopy of fresh-aired domes  intersting 1st stanza with supporting internal rhyming. "Under and within" are redundant , though.

bitter colonists working at redrock through dim shadow
to benow banished from the good star blue sphere  OK- we're on Mars.  Perhaps "blue" instead of "star". Also, perhaps "now" instead of "to be"?
and marked in their aching minds marked Maybe re-arrange the sentence
with acid gamma and dry, unpollinated aire I take "acid gamma" to mean the chemical GABA to calm the nerves, perhaps.  I only guess GABA because I take it for nerve pain related to a spinal issue.  Other readers may find GABA a bit too cryptic: but hey, that's why God made dictionaries.

yet, this unashamed shame uncrossed and liberated  This is where I run into trouble.  You go the long way "around-the-bend" to seem to describe how workers on Mars are newly screwed by tax codes based on a Martian year instead of an Earth year.
the new per annum tax code The language here is out of sync with the rest of the piece, ie not nearly as descriptive.
the martian year: some six hundred and sixty fucking days Hmm- a Martian year is 687 (Earth)days, but 668 sols (Martian "days") Something is needed here to better contrast the difference in the length of an Earth year vs a Martian year
by tour of Sol "by tour" is a really odd way of saying "around the Sun"

Overall, this is a very interesting, futuristic take on labor issues that are bound to arise as Earthlings work to capitalize on Martian resources like hematite.
S.3 sorta blows it though, as the language veers off course from the previous stanzas. I think you'll have a strong piece once the S.3 issues are taken care of. 
Since the poem stars "Surely it wasn't the storm of dusty bones...."  I think the last stanza is meant to pick up after the initial ellipses.  Perhaps start S.3 with "... yet, it was this...".

Thanks for the interesting read.
Mark

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