Money didn't impress her

[waitingforgodet]

Her caption read: It was honesty, integrity and intelligence she admired most
and practically ordered me not to try to impress her
with money or what I own like the other men do on the profiles they post
and assured me that she was not looking for a man to be her benefactor.

We exchanged emails on poets , novelists and society on this dating site.
She praised my writing and suggested we talk on the phone.
I was delighted and loved her mind and thought we might have a date that night.
She considered my photo handsome and loved the sound of my voice and irreverent tone.

I told her she was beautiful and sensual and very smart.
She agreed, and laughing , said I was the first man who didn’t mention her top heaviness too.
“You just might be my archetypal woman,” I said. “ You’re also a physical work of art.”
“You are a dear,” she said. Then asked in a serious tone: “What is it that you do?”

“It’s on my profile,” I said. “I write poetry and I’m a cashier at the Walmart in Biddeford.”
“You work at Walmart? Oh, dear . . .I must have missed that. Thanks for the call.” And the line went dead.

[Lawrence]

The rhymes are alright, but perhaps incorporate some rhythm?
"I told her she was beautiful and sensual and very smart."
Lines like this need a little more flair, in my opinion.

In fact, besides the rhymes, what's the difference between this and prose?

Thanks

---

Overall, a cute story that is very picturesque. Iambic pentameter might make it shine ever more.

[waitingforgodet]

Thank you, Lawrence, and you've raised a good point: Prose or poem? Been asking myself that question a lot lately with regard to other things I've written or am writing. Glad you mentioned it, and thank you for the feedback--jim

[billy]

Her caption read: It was honesty, integrity and intelligence she admired most
and practically ordered me not to try to impress her
with money or what I own like the other men do on the profiles they post
and assured me that she was not looking for a man to be her benefactor. [b]are the two 'the's' needed?[/b]

We exchanged emails on poets , novelists and society on this dating site.
She praised my writing and suggested we talk on the phone.
I was delighted and loved her mind and thought we might have a date that night.
She considered my photo handsome and loved the sound of my voice and irreverent tone.

I told her she was beautiful and sensual and very smart.
She agreed, and laughing , said I was the first man who didn’t mention her top heaviness too.
“You just might be my archetypal woman,” I said. “ You’re also a physical work of art.”
“You are a dear,” she said. Then asked in a serious tone: “What is it that you do?”

“It’s on my profile,” I said. “I write poetry and I’m a cashier at the Walmart in Biddeford.”
“You work at Walmart? Oh, dear . . .I must have missed that. Thanks for the call.” And the line went dead.

first about the form; the ABAB rhymes are spot on.
though the metre lacks consistency. 22 syllables in the first A line
and the second A line has 19
while the first B line had 15 with the 2nd B line having 20
while it reads well and rhymes well the mismatched meter makes us stumble and sometimes because of it the good end rhymes become flat.
can be classed as prose poetry as you do have end rhymes. some internal rhythms would really add to the form.

content. i love it. the last lines my favourite. a realistic poem about the online dating game. for me it has lot of 'and's that are unnecessary. i felt the humour of it though i don't know if humour was intended.
some good original lines which for me is one of the important things
all in all a good read
a small edit could make it really good. (jmo)
thanks for the read jim

[waitingforgodet]

humor, playfullness with a touch of pathos, billy, that was my intention--and I agree, for the most part, anyway, articles can be eliminated--jim