Birds in this World

[rowens]

Birds in this World

Birds in this world,
how we let them survive;
there's one pecking;
here's one fluttering:
Just like an afterthought, a bird.
I once knew an angel that had angelwings,
and a fairy that had butterflywings,
but a bird
is like something all its own.
A bird with wings:
The concept is a mutant.

[dukealien]

Birds in this World

Birds in this world,
how we let them survive;
there's one pecking;
here's one fluttering:
Just like an afterthought, a bird.
I once knew an angel that had angelwings,
and a fairy that had butterflywings,
but a bird
is like something all its own.
A bird with wings:
The concept is a mutant.

And a poem with a sting in its tail.  But to work, with basic critique...

First off, basic typography:  since you're using standard punctuation, the jury's out on how many spaces should follow a colon - but the next word doesn't get capitalized.  Colon (or, maybe, em dash) is appropriate in both places, just a typo niggle.

The concept of birds as afterthoughts/mutants is powerful:  unlike all other animal plans (including flying mammals and pterodactyls), birds gave up their arms for wings as angels and fairies do not.  An unprecedented mutation from which turkeys, ostriches and the like are degenerates.  It was a leap where even angels fear to tread.

And that last line extends the matter of birds.  What do people do to themselves and their species (or what does the species do to itself) that's as radical as wings?  As T. H. White mulled, man does not fly like a bird, he flies like a beetle.  Yeah brains, erect posture, opposable thumbs... closest idea that comes to mind is some SciFi stories where space travelers' bodies are modified by substituting arms for legs, or eliminating one arm and one leg for agility in freefall.

*Ahem* But to return to basic critique, my only suggestion aside from typography is that l.2 ("how we let them survive") doesn't quite fit the plan or argument of the poem as "is like something all its own" does - at least the way I parse the poem, which may only indicate I've got it wrong.  Line 2 *kind of* fits, but perhaps something less subject to interpretation would work better there.

That's all I've got; hot stuff; made me think.

[rowens]

I have a few notebooks full of short poems kind of like this. I don't think I've posted any of the ones here where I start a sentence with a colon.
I want to put them in critique to have something to do with them. To see what happens.

There is something strange about your claim that I'm using standard punctuation.
As for the second line, it's too soon for me to say if it works for anyone but me. I often go years before changing any of my poems. And usually just a word.

I want critique however, to keep at least a squinted eye on what I should actually be writing if I want people to read what I write.
I've walked out of the bad habit of explaining or justifying anything.

[Tiger the Lion]

Birds in this World

Birds in this world,
how we let them survive;
there's one pecking;
here's one fluttering:
Just like an afterthought, a bird.
I once knew an angel that had angelwings,
and a fairy that had butterflywings,
but a bird
is like something all its own.
A bird with wings:
The concept is a mutant.

Hey Rowens, just wanted to chirp in with a word about L5. At first I wondered why the word "just" was needed. I thought the line was stronger without it. Then I thought it would be stronger still if the line was simply "an afterthought, a bird." Anyway, I still think so, but part of me suspects it was intentional as is.

[rowens]

Everything is intentional. But the art of literary criticism is in asking why someone would say or do such a thing.

an afterthought a bird, has a nice whispery quality to it that would add to an already airy poem. But that airiness is deceptive. When I say I have an Angel that looks like Emily Browning, I'm stating a literal, objective reality, as when a devout Christian prays to God. The art in artifice is only a cover for my magical spells. By the way, do you have Emily's number? And I don't mean qabalisticly.

But, since you mentioned my poem, Rainbows Are Apparent Illusions Too, which I think is still on here somewhere, there may be a bit of a connection there. But only a bit. More than a mention.

[Frenchie]

I enjoyed the familiarity and emotions that this poem reminded me of, the familiarity and emotions associated with finding common things strange: the sounds of some words, the way objects are shaped, etc. They sound or feel or look strange, and it's an open door to a foggy state of mind that feels, to me at least, comfortable and enjoyable. Or perhaps it's not like that all the time, but your poem made it look that way on this occasion. I'm not completely sure of the word "mutant", I'm not sure I would use it when thinking of a bird as a strange thing, or perhaps it's both "concept" and "mutant". Isn't a "mutant" something that exists and then mutes, afterwards? I feel it's the opposite of something that exists "all its own", meaning, as an established entity, not really mutating. But, at the same time, "the concept" is not "bird", it's the concept of a bird ("this is not a pipe"). Yes, I think it's fine. I'm enjoying it. Thank you!

[rowens]

You might be correct, but are you French? And Canada doesn't count.

[rowens]

It would be breaking the rules to say what I want to say here. So I'm going to break the rules in Miscellaneous by saying it there where I also mentioned Canada.

---

What? It's another slow day. And a holiday.