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05-05-2021, 02:09 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-05-2021, 02:11 PM by Tiger the Lion.)
Felix
Back when I was a Bengal tiger
I saw things differently;
reincarnation was a conspiracy
theory and my body wanted blood--
I had no stomach
for those of that stripe
that might deny me mine.
So, call me a house cat
and taunt me with toys.
Call me a house cat
and feed me sawdust.
Call me a house cat
and forget I'm a predator.
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I like this, feels natural and urgent, I like the way you write Tiger. Could it be your writing this poem based on your username?
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Hi Tiger,
enjoyed the read.
Couple of thoughts
should the 'had' (L5) be 'have', isn't the though current?
'any' for 'that' (L6)
and maybe cut 'a predator' from the end. Perhaps
and forget, forget, forget ?
(Shame about the three line verse, any alternatives?)
Best, Knot
.
Posts: 695
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Joined: Jun 2015
Hey Paul- I think you know I'm a fan of short pieces and this is no exception. Suggestions below:
Felix
Back when I was a Bengal tiger
I saw things differently;
reincarnation was a conspiracy
theory and my body wanted blood--
I had have no stomach for those
of that stripe, that who might deny me mine. a couplet here perhaps?
So, call me a house cat
and taunt me with toys.
Call me a house cat
and feed me sawdust.
Call me a house cat
and try to forget what I am I'm a predator.
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Joined: Nov 2013
05-07-2021, 11:02 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-07-2021, 11:03 PM by RiverNotch.)
little notes. alternatives to alternatives
first stanza end with a colon, maybe? semicolon feels wrong
i think maybe you're going for a cut off or a trail with that em dash on the second stanza? but since it's a complete thought that directly ties to the next (blood and stomach being both visceral) i'd end with period.
i agree with mark on the third. feels better to do all couplets. or maybe i like regularity xD but i'd go
"I had no stomach
for those stripes that deny
"me mine. Call me a house cat..."
never owned cats. is feeding them sawdust a thing? for abusers? or is that a metaphor? but it's all good. i prefer predator for the end, it's punchier
meow. also i just watched a passage to india (have yet to read the book lol) and read some stuff on orthodox eschatology, so this got to me somewhat
also, idk how intentional it is, but Felis is cat, Felix is happiness.
