Around Back

[TranquillityBase]

It seems to be night
inside and out
outside out.

Wait.
This is where
waiting gives back a moment.

Four days dead
Lazarus had no words left,
waiting for the second time around.

Around back
you will find
a third time, because
the living hate nothing
like a void.

End with a love song
about it lost
maybe in the night
maybe not at all.

[Miley]

Hey Tranquil, I was hesitant to respond to this one largely because much like your last poem, i'm puzzled in many places. The subject of the two poems does feel related. I tried to offer my thoughts or reaction to most lines. I take this poem to be a contemplation on our relationship to death/mortality. Why do we fear death? Why should anyone come back from the dead? I want to recommend the poetry book, Black Aperture by Matt Rasmussen. The book is the poet dealing with the suicide of his brother. I could only find an audio recording of one of the poems https://poets.org/poem/after-suicide-audio-only 

It seems to be night I'm wondering if seems is doing much here.
inside and out Some nocturnal correspondence between the world and the interior of our narrator
outside out. what? 

Wait.
This is where
waiting gives back a moment. Waiting normally takes time, but now waiting is doing the opposite. After reading the previous stanza, Im realizing this has resonance with Jesus waiting to go to Lazarus. But why does he wait? . 

Four days dead
Lazarus had no words left,
waiting for the second time around. I like this stanza, It gives me something of a point of reference for the rest of the poem, and it also allows me to think of the Lazarus story from a fresh perspective (his time waiting for resurrection) but I also realized on closer reading that the middle line is perhaps self apparent? 

Around back the title!
you will find
a third time, because Reminds me of a quote I read once, “There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.”

the living hate nothing
like a void. This is the narrators conception of death, as a void? The tomb as a void? I've thought about these last two lines for awhile. 

End with a love song
about it lost  I could guess, but i'm not entirely sure what it is. It does seem to me as though we are no longer in the Larazus story exactly.  
maybe in the night Recalls the night in the first stanza
maybe not at all. Its a melancholy ending, maybe something of a void. Coming to terms with a void?

[TranquillityBase]

Hi Miley, thanks for your careful read and response to this.  I've been trying to write shorter lines, but this one may have gotten a little too distilled.  I'm not a Christian but I'm a Bible reader and it's fascinating to me that Lazarus has nothing to say in the Bible.  If nothing else, I'd expect there to be an apocryphal Gospel of Lazarus out there somewhere.  Anyway, you are a very perceptive reader.  Pretty much everything I write is in some way about the death of my son last year.

You point out some places for me to start bringing this one out of obscurity.

[Knot]

.

Hi TqB,

I get lost on 'outside out' and 'about it lost'

but lines like 'waiting gives back a moment' are excellent.

I think you might do more with your line endings

and for some reason I want this to start with S5.

Some cut and paste thoughts

End with a love song

maybe in the night

maybe not at all.

It seems to be night

inside and out. Wait.

This is where

waiting gives back

a moment. Four days

dead Lazarus had no words

left, waiting

for the second time

around.

Around back

you will find

a third time,

because the living hate

nothing

like a void.

Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

I'm embarrassed.  This is such a fine reworking of the lines.  Thanks.

[Knot]

.

Hi TqB

I'm relieved. If you decided to keep this form I'd suggest revisiting 'dead' (I don't think you need it, it's strongly implied by 'Lazarus') and perhaps play a bit with 'around back'. Would

around

back. Around

work?

Oh yes, and get a better title!

Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello t.base-

First off, let me offer condolences for the loss of your son.
That is every parents worst fear, and I can only hope that he lives in your heart.
If you would be so kind as to let me know his name, I will offer a prayer.  Like you, I have studied the Bible, though I do not claim adherence to any specific doctrine.

Regarding your poem- I think Knot masterfully rearranged YOUR lines.  I would claim his input, as he insightfully arranged YOUR words in a very constructive manner ( great work Knot!).
No need to be embarrassed- consider knot your esteemed editor.

... Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Mark,

Thank you for your condolences.  

Probably more than you want to know, but I created this website about his life:

https://sites.google.com/view/john-linley-prather/home

Tim

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-

Thank you for sharing the website and allowing me to get to know a little about your son.  My son is but a year older.

Your son crafted some very interesting poems and artwork, and I very much appreciate his creativity. 

As well, I appreciate your creativity in constructing such a thoughtful website.

Thanks again,
Mark

[Majestic Sun]

It seems to be night
inside and out
outside out. (how can night be inside and out? What does that mean?)

Wait.
This is where
waiting gives back a moment. (interesting thought, go on)

Four days dead
Lazarus had no words left,
waiting for the second time around.

Around back
you will find
a third time, because
the living hate nothing
like a void.

End with a love song
about it lost
maybe in the night
maybe not at all.

What were you trying to say in the last two stanzas? I don't get it, I also didn't understand the first stanza, sorry.


This is insufficient critique for this forum.
—Quix