Spit
#1
Cliche me into your worn out lips. And when
I’m about to fade into your headache put
me under your words. Keep me innocent with
your filthy mouth. I want to be your argument.
The pain in your roughness when you scream.
Use me to fuck all the pretty girls and then
bend me over until I curve perfectly for
your poetry when you find

the one.

I’ve fallen in love with the way your voice trembles
and sinks around your throat. I love when it chokes
the softness out of you before you pray to be a better
man because your moans are so much deeper and
bigger when you’re looking for reasons to change.

Put yourself in my mouth for inspiration. Tear me
apart with your hands. Make me soak through
you with all your passions and all your insecurities
until we are together. Make me into the grooves and
loops of your secrets and then tie me into a knot for your

peace.

I long to be the longest thought moving across
your fingertips, to write me over and over.
I caught your tongue and spit me out as I am
your muse rolling my body for the end of all your

sentences.
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#2
I find myself re-reading this for the rich content, but I'm really distracted by the paragraph like structure.

And it seems like you should have s single word line after stanza 3, just the symmetry obsessive in me.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#3
Thank you, TB for the read and for your suggestions. I agree, the structure does need work. I’ll work on that and the symmetry. I don’t know why I didn’t do the one word line after S3. Thanks again.
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#4
Cliche me into your worn out lips. 
And when I’m about to fade into your headache put
me under your words. 
Keep me innocent with your filthy mouth, 
I want to be your argument,
the pain in your roughness when you scream. 
Use me to fuck all the pretty girls and then 
bend me over until I curve perfectly for 
your poetry when you find

the one.

Hi arbil,

I took the liberty of breaking the lines differently in your first stanza as an example.  This is one way I would do it.  But it's your poem, so the line breaks should be in your voice.  I don't know much about the technicalities of verse, but I think it's all about reading it aloud and listening to you where you pause.  But then you can always let lines run over, just for variety and to change the rhythym a bit.

I'm sure others here will correct me if I'm misleading you on any of this.
"Poetry is the rhythmic, inevitably narrative, movement from an overclothed blindness to a naked vision."  Dylan Thomas
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#5
Good one a-p,

I might humbly suggest that you start here:
When I’m about to fade into your headache
put me under your words.


At the end, I stumbled over these lines:
I caught your tongue and you spit me out as I am
your a muse rolling my body for the end of all your

sentences.


The short, separated lines didn't really do anything for me.  OK, "the one", maybe, but "peace" and "sentences", not.

Take another look at your line breaks, as they seem arbitrary, and
turning on the word "and" is not advisable (though I just did it).

Since this is in BASIC, I know you're still working this one, and my main suggestion is to look for ways to tighten it up: what words are not necessary?
As a writer, you must trust that I will fill in the blanks- maybe not precisely the way you intend, but, hey, that's the way this works.

Thanks for the read,
Mark
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#6
AP, lot's a very good imagery and emotional content. There is an angst in it and a sense of foreboding. It makes me feel anxious and angry. 
All of these things are good to get across to your reader. I however have to agree with what the others have pointed out. 
Such as, the short separate lines do not resonate with me either. Not sure what your intent was here. Not that there isn't an intent, it just did not carry over to me. 

It could really use some proper line breaks. In my mind I can see if they were placed properly this would be a very good piece. 

This is my first time in Basic and not really sure how much help or critique should be given or if this should be just a mild overview and let the poet find their own strides. 

Either way, this one is worth working on. I like the many "mouth" visual descriptions used in this. Every stanza seems to illustrate its many functions. Very cool feeling to it. It is almost tactile for me. 

Find those line breaks. I think that would be my first step. I think if you do find them the cadence would be very satisfying. 

Cheers, Tim
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