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He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised,
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled
In the crystal snow.
Your touch still lingered
And you twiddled your fingers,
As birds mumbled,
You love him so.
The chirps slowly died
With our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
Slowly home.
Posts: 1,176
Threads: 247
Joined: Nov 2015
(12-25-2020, 05:06 PM)hollyo998 Wrote: He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised,
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled
In the crystal snow.
Your touch still lingered
And you twiddled your fingers,
As birds mumbled,
you love him so.
The chirps slowly died
with our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
slowly home.
(Fiddled the format a little, above - watch out for odd/exposed formatting when pasting from a word processor!)
The rhyme scheme here is subtle, almost missed it until second reading. That's nice, and while there is a point to be/being made with the very last line diverging from it, you might consider something equally brief and final there... perhaps ending in "go."
Also, in moderate, rhyming tends to go with an established meter. As you edit, you might see how hard or easy it is to make the rhythm of each succeeding stanza match that of the first... or, anyway, make them all match each other. It would be a strenuous exercise: stretch your vocabulary and rhythmic sense.
Finally, and pardon the nit-picking, the use of capitalization is inconsistent. Starting each line with a capital letter is considered archaic by some on this board (I mildly disagree) but is better than using sentence structure capitalization some places and the old style in others. Try pickling one or the other (always capitalizing would not be amiss in a nursery rhyme) and applying it consistently, then see how you like the effect.
The poem has definite merits - see what you can do with edits.
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 432
Threads: 369
Joined: Sep 2014
He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised,
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago.
One effective point, would be to make the stanzas three-lined,
He kissed with his eyes, and I acted surprised,
as if my world hadn't crumbled
half an hour ago.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled
In the crystal snow.
And in this case:
I kissed with my smile, and we stood for a while,
as butterflies bumbled
in the crystal snow.
And to add some flavor
I kissed with a smile, and we stood the while
butterflies bumbled
in the snow.
You see the flavor I mentioned?
Your touch still lingered
And you twiddled your fingers,
As birds mumbled,
You love him so.
The chirps slowly died
With our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
Slowly home.
Posts: 34
Threads: 5
Joined: Oct 2020
Hello,
I really like this poem-
a lovely message set within an engaging rhyme scheme - good stuff.
all I can add is teeny tweaks. to take or leave.
He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised, - and I feigned surprise - make the language work for you.
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago. - great reveal, right there, I'm in.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled - I would say honeybees - but a mute point.
In the crystal snow. - above the crystal snow - otherwise, it sounds like the butterflies are in a storm.
Your touch still lingered - lingers - more immediate
And you twiddled your fingers, - not a good line - it sounds forced. - touching my hair or something?
As birds mumbled, - tumbled, surely - for all sorts of reasons
I love him so.
The chirps slowly died - The song.....or something more poignant
With our lips and eyes,
As we stumbled
Slowly home.
Love it - a new genre - romantic realism....
Keep writing............Philip
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Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
holly0998
He kissed with his eyes
And I acted surprised,
As if my world hadn't crumbled
Half an hour ago.
I kissed with my smile
And we stood for a while,
As butterflies bumbled
In the crystal snow.
Your (his)touch still lingered
And you (I) twiddled your (my) fingers,
As birds mumbled,
You love him so. (stanza needs to stay in present tense)
The chirps slowly died
With our lips and eyes, (somewhat unclear image. When words are at a premium, make them count.)
As we stumbled
Slowly home. ("stumble" implies "slowly")
[/quote]
As this is in accentual verse ( as most Nursery Rhyme is) instead of metered, the line length can change, as per the content, as long as the accents remain the same.
This is a well worn theme although the idea of "Nursery Rhyme" does create a nice overarching feel, making it slightly fresher than many on this topic. There is also a sweetness that comes through that causes the poem to rise above what would ordinarily be stale stale example of a thousand other poems of this kind. With some work, this could be a decent poem.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Joined: Dec 2017
Is there any specific reason why the 'crystal snow' is mentioned, other than to find a rhyme for 'ago'? The strangely unseasonal juxtaposition of butterflies and birds with 'crystal snow' is an avoidable distraction.
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Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2020
Hey,
Thank you so much for commenting! The story I meant to tell in this poem was one of lovers saying their final goodbyes. Their relationship may have been as beautiful as a butterfly, but they eventually succumbed to their tundra of problems. I hope this was helpful!
Best,
Kendra
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