The Vow

[penneddown]

She is an orchid
midsummer bloom 
and blowing into 
Autumn. 

Last night she lingered
on the edge of a dream
cats eyes
forest green

trees trembling
summer solstice. 
Those women in hats
dancing 

spinning into the night.
He presses himself
into her palm.
This time is ours.

[Knot]

.
Hi Penned,

engaging piece, let down, I think, by the first and last lines. Do you really need either?

The repetition of both 'summer' and 'night' (in such a short poem) is another weakness, for me.

There are some very nice rhythms (bloom / and blowing into / Autumn) which, perhaps,

might be continued?

Lines 7-11 just read like a list, and consequently feel rather flat and unmusical.

Best, Knot

.

[hollyo998]

Hello!

The imagery of pressing himself into her palm and lingering on the edge of a dream are very powerful to me. They establish mood very well. I quite enjoy this poem's mood, and you've done a good job of utilizing flora to expand the audience's understanding of the underlying message. However, I can't shake that last line. It's left me quite unsure. On the one hand, it finishes the poem. There's so much emphasis on it, and the line itself, simple as it may be, is powerful. However, in the context of this particular work, it seems unnecessary. The piece leaves me wanting to know more, and I mean that as a compliment. The poem seems to be simply touching on an idea, leaving me to fill in the blanks myself. This lack of specificity works in tandem with the strong imagery you've used to create an engaging and imaginative experience for the reader.

Thanks, Holly

[Erthona]

Some of the sentences I a bit problematic.

"She is an orchid
midsummer bloom
and blowing into
Autumn."

to

She is an orchid;
a midsummer bloom
blowing into
Autumn.

This seems a smoother more clear way to say what you seem to be saying.Sometimes writing things out in a one line sentence help to clarify in ones mind the meaning in the line.

Just an observation,

best,

dale