On Safdar Hashmi Marg

[Radetof.Yahska]

Been MIA for about a year, because life. Wrote something after a long time.

On Safdar Hashmi Marg
 

v1:

Evening fog throttles the naked bulbs
lining safdar hashmi marg
beside the shuttered state house
a lonesome bus parked for the night
and a thin figure
wrapped around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be
bony noose constricts
wet urgent kisses
almost drowned by passing traffic

The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life
notices me

a voyeur waiting
for the end of the show

Original:

Cold evening fog dims the naked bulbs lining the street
outside the shuttered state house
a lonesome bus parked for the night
next to it a thin figure
coiled around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be
bony noose tightening
wet urgent kisses almost drowned by passing traffic
 
The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life
senses me
a voyeur waiting
for the end of the show

[dukealien]

Not sure I can adequately critique this one, but will give it a try.

On Safdar Hashmi Marg
 
Cold evening fog dims the naked bulbs lining the street
outside the shuttered state house
a lonesome bus parked for the night
next to it a thin figure
coiled around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be
bony noose tightening    I see this, but it doen't quite make literal sense:  a slipknot wouldn't work with (for example) a chain
wet urgent kisses almost drowned by passing traffic
 
The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life    I feel the need for a break here - perhaps one white line-space in lieu of an em-dash?
senses me
a voyeur waiting
for the end of the show

In moderate critique, although the poem is angular, its joints out in the open (like the embracing figure), most of the items to which I'd normally suggest changes fit too well to alter.  The images are compelling, and almost every use of "the" produces a suitable hitch in the reading.

Aside from the two notes above,  only the first and last lines jar.  The first line sets the scene nicely, but I wonder if it could be broken at (and eliminate) "the."  As for the ultimate line, it does all it should but I'd wish it to be a little more striking and conclusive - the figure to fall, unknotting, to the curb, perhaps, in the viewer's anticipation.

That's all.  It's a very fine work, and though I may be missing some nuances (of the title and "state house," for example)  I like it very much.  Thanks for posting!

Is it a monkey or fruit bat?  Well, never mind.

[Radetof.Yahska]

So, I really struggle with endings. I can't seem to bring a poem to any point of great significance, or even slight drama. Honestly, this experience was queer, queer enough to stick around for a year.

Thank you for your critique, you were as helpful as ever. I'm trying to break out of older habits. It was exciting to see relevant pauses suggested, because I tend to over-punctuate, based on past feedback.

As for the post-script - like I said, a thin figure.

Safdar Hashmi Marg is a street in Central Delhi, and the state house mentioned here is called Himachal Bhawan. It's a state bhawan, a place where state officials are based out of in the national capital region. A literal translation is state house.

[Seraphim]

The first line of a poem needs to be strong, to pull the reader instantly into piece.  Half of the words in L1 are adjectives or articles. Only one adjective seems necessary - evening. It sets the time of day, and the fog provides an image.

Evening fog dims the streetlights. Diminishes might be more accurate, plus you’re adding more rhythm and variance to the with a word of 4 syllables.  A multi-syllabic word is spoken faster and has primary and secondary stresses.

Evening fog diminishes the streetlamps.

How can the bus be lonesome if there’s noisy passing traffic?

Giving life or demonstrating the statue is alive?

Can’t figure out how the statue magically senses the narrator.  Notices rather than senses?

The last two lines are the strongest in the poem.

I think there’s much you can do with this.

---

Punctuation gives you additional control of phrase length - dictating where the reader should pause or stop - in addition to your line breaks.  Use it where you wish.

Some pauses are ‘built into’ the language structure.

A lonesome bus || parked for the night.

So you don’t need to punctuate to force a pause there.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Thanks for the critique, seraphim! I'll work on it.

[busker]

Been MIA for about a year, because life. Wrote something after a long time.

On Safdar Hashmi Marg
 
a lonesome bus parked for the night .... “lonesome” is too much of the author’s voice, dilutes the observational quality of the strophe. Even “lone” is fine

I assume that the poem is about a pair of lovers, the woman reluctant
On balance, I think it’s good that you didn’t go down the path of Safdar Hashmi allusions

[Knot]

.
Hi Radetof.
Not much to add to Seraphim, except I'm not convinced by
the repetition of 'wet' and I would prefer a different title,
the current one replacing the, rather bland, 'the street'.

So, purely as food for thought ...


Evening fog chokes naked bulbs
lining Safdar Hashmi Marg

outside Himachal Bhawan
shuttered tight. A bus dark

beside a figure thin coiled around
a statue [of ? doesn't need to be specific, 'of some ancient ...' but a little detail/colour would help.]

Wet holes where eyes should be,
a bony noose constricts

wet urgent kisses almost drowned
by passing traffic.

A voyeur I wait for the show
to end.


Best, Knot.

.

[churinga]

Cold evening fog dims the naked bulbs lining the street

This opening line has a nice balance but it is not very striking. If there is fog, it must be cold and if there is fog, it always dims everything. So the line loses originality by not telling us something new. An image for example would help. Poets love fog and mist, T. S. Eliot famously had his fog become a cat, licking and twisting in 'Prufrock. I am reminded of a song where the streetlights are haloed by fog.

The statue becoming a couple is a good example of how an image can draw the reader in and make a poem come alive, it's a bit unclear here because at first we assume you know the difference between a statue and a person, but still it is more intriguing than the first part of the poem with its simple descriptive phrases.

cheers

Ross

[Radetof.Yahska]

Is that song Bleecker Street, by any chance?

[churinga]

Is that song Bleecker Street, by any chance?

No, it is a song called 'Street Light Halos' not a great song but I remembered the title for some reason.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Only took me a year, but I made changes.

[philip]

hello Radetof - I keep coming back to this poem - so I thought I should comment...

Evening fog throttles the naked bulbs - throttles is too strong for passive fog
lining safdar hashmi marg - a street in the east
beside the shuttered state house - colonial?
a lonesome bus parked for the night - what does this add?
and a thin figure
wrapped around a statue
wet spots where eyes should be - swap this line over with the one above
bony noose constricts
wet urgent kisses
almost drowned by passing traffic - drop almost - kisses are not that loud

The statue quivers
stifled sobs giving life
notices me - notices is too clinical

a voyeur waiting - voyeur is too strong
for the end of the show - rather flat - it sees you watching it? - for the climax of the show, surely...

if endings are difficult - get your message clear - write the ending first on the money - and just work backwards...

[Radetof.Yahska]

Thanks a lot, Philip - you made some great points. I'll work on it.