Forest Pond - edit

[dukealien]

Forest Pond


White egret shimmers
over mirrored clouds and leaves–
plucks carp from branches.

original version;

White egret poses
on reflected trees and sky–
plucks fish from branches.

[philip]

hello duke -
a really nice idea for a shorty, merging reality and reflection.

maybe, the imagery can be a bit sharper -
poses - is a bit vague, what pose? - what is it actually doing?
and sky - is a given I think - give the trees more imagery
on reflected.........trees ?

just my thoughts

[Evolutionisatheory]

Forest Pond

White egret poses
on reflected trees and sky–
plucks fish from branches.

Clever last line.
Would be improved if there's an alternative to 'poses on' - I think there's 2 syllables too many (not in the sense of haiku formalism, but just what sounds pleasing to the ear)

[dukealien]

edit;

White egret shimmers
over mirrored clouds and leaves–
plucks carp from branches.

---

Thanks to both critics!  Good points.  Tried to show a bit more this time, particularly overwriting the disliked "poses."  "Plucks" may still be a little too animated for a haiku, though. 

[Magpie]

Hi Duke,

I really like this concept. A couple of nits though, aren't all egrets white, is 'white' redundant?
Also I feel like the last line would work better as 'plucking carp from branches', I know it messes with the syllable count.

When I read it first I was reminded of an Escher painting called Three Worlds
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/95/a8/2b/...45b9d2.jpg

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[dukealien]

Hi Duke,

I really like this concept. A couple of nits though, aren't all egrets white, is 'white' redundant?
Also I feel like the last line would work better as 'plucking carp from branches', I know it messes with the syllable count.

When I read it first I was reminded of an Escher painting called Three Worlds
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/95/a8/2b/...45b9d2.jpg

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Thanks, know that Escher well... this would be a more distant, horizontal view.

Your two suggestions balance (since beats-per-line is negotiable in English) to give

Egret shimmers
over mirrored clouds and leaves–
plucking carp from branches.

But not everyone knows that a non-white egret is a heron (but that also means I can't fill the line with "white heron" since I do). I'll work on it.

[Knot]

But not everyone knows that a non-white egret is a heron

I didn't  

Hi duke,
I like the popping k sounds of the original (plus 'carp'), though also stumbled with poses (and not sure is shimmers is an improvement)
This picture
http://fineartamerica.com/images/artwork...-barry.jpg
made me wonder about 'coiled'.
('in' or 'above' for 'on'?)


Enjoyed the read. Great last line.


Best, Knot


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