Posts: 2
Threads: 1
Joined: Sep 2020
From the pressing strings of my seat,
I once told my dearest,
if I were to awake to your absence,
or struggle out of bed midafternoon in a home aside from ours,
The dawn will have lost its purpose.
And in every sky touching building, and passersby I’d see
the dust covered shrapnel and rubble of our fallen acquaintance.
The blocks and foundation hereafter, shall contain no balance,
as my infant body will tremble in fright,
constructing a new tower in the shadowed corner of a classroom,
away from restless boys who find enjoyment in striking sandcastles with their feet.
Our stories create envy in the hearts of ant-like figures who pray,
Hopeless and hateful, looking up from the ground,
I look down and I say,
if it is not you that I hold, there is no reason having anyone else around.
(new to the website, tell me what you think!)
Posts: 10
Threads: 4
Joined: Sep 2020
(09-15-2020, 11:28 AM)huntermitch Wrote: From the pressing strings of my seat,
I once told my dearest,
if I were to awake to your absence,
or struggle out of bed midafternoon in a home aside from ours,
The dawn will have lost its purpose. This is great
And in every sky touching building, and passersby I’d see
the dust covered shrapnel and rubble of our fallen acquaintance. acquaintance?
The blocks and foundation hereafter, shall contain no balance,
as my infant body will tremble in fright, Maybe consider an alternative adjective to infant
constructing a new tower in the shadowed corner of a classroom,
away from restless boys who find enjoyment in striking sandcastles with their feet.
Our stories create envy in the hearts of ant-like figures who pray,
Hopeless and hateful, looking up from the ground,
I look down and I say,
if it is not you that I hold, there is no reason having anyone else around.
(new to the website, tell me what you think!)
Posts: 39
Threads: 49
Joined: Aug 2021
(09-15-2020, 11:28 AM)huntermitch Wrote: From the pressing strings of my seat,
I once told my dearest,
if I were to awake to your absence,
or struggle out of bed midafternoon in a home aside from ours,
The dawn will have lost its purpose.
And in every sky touching building, and passersby I’d see
the dust covered shrapnel and rubble of our fallen acquaintance.
The blocks and foundation hereafter, shall contain no balance,
as my infant body will tremble in fright,
constructing a new tower in the shadowed corner of a classroom, You start to lose me around this bit. Not really shure what this means.
away from restless boys who find enjoyment in striking sandcastles with their feet. You're in a classroom with children kicking over sand castles?
Our stories create envy in the hearts of ant-like figures who pray,
Hopeless and hateful, looking up from the ground,
I look down and I say,
if it is not you that I hold, there is no reason having anyone else around.
(new to the website, tell me what you think!)
title
I feel like this is a bit of a vague and confusing poem.
From what I make of it is the narrator explaining how his life would be different without his lover.
You explain that admittedly clumsily in the first bit, but then trail off after.
The title doesn't make all to much sense either.
There is no attention to line breaks as well.
This needs some work done to function properly.
(10-24-2021, 10:52 AM)Kerbonzo_beenz Wrote: (09-15-2020, 11:28 AM)huntermitch Wrote: From the pressing strings of my seat,
I once told my dearest,
if I were to awake to your absence,
or struggle out of bed midafternoon in a home aside from ours,
The dawn will have lost its purpose.
And in every sky touching building, and passersby I’d see
the dust covered shrapnel and rubble of our fallen acquaintance.
The blocks and foundation hereafter, shall contain no balance,
as my infant body will tremble in fright,
constructing a new tower in the shadowed corner of a classroom, You start to lose me around this bit. Not really shure what this means.
away from restless boys who find enjoyment in striking sandcastles with their feet. You're in a classroom with children kicking over sand castles?
Our stories create envy in the hearts of ant-like figures who pray,
Hopeless and hateful, looking up from the ground,
I look down and I say,
if it is not you that I hold, there is no reason having anyone else around.
(new to the website, tell me what you think!)
title
I feel like this is a bit of a vague and confusing poem.
From what I make of it is the narrator explaining how his life would be different without his lover.
You explain that admittedly clumsily in the first bit, but then trail off after.
The title doesn't make all to much sense either.
There is no attention to line breaks as well.
This needs some work done to function properly.
Do an edit and I'll help you restructure your poem.
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