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hummingbird
anoint me with grit and
throw colors at me,
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
curling my toes, i
feel what it is to be here,
be near
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
rub my eyes and beat my wings
longing falls as a bow on strings
as i fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
This is my very first poem to be shared with anyone besides my boyfriend lol. I would be so grateful for any and all feedback you may have! 
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I love this.
Didn’t quite follow the wings / strings portion - looked like meaning was sacrificed in the temptation to rhyme
But that aside, nothing much to complain about
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Thank you so much for your feedback, busker! I’m thrilled that you enjoyed it. I too was unsure about the rhyming portion, as I feel it may fit better in a separate poem with a more fleshed out rhyme scheme.
The final stanza is meant to be a concluding call towards readying oneself to take on life (rubbing eyes:waking up, beating wings:revving up your body-engine, and I just so strongly associate longing with the sound of violins/cellos).
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I like the contrast between hard and delicate here: grit and tectonic plates versus hummingbirds and blossoms. Also the juxtaposition of religious experience and physical ecstasy is very Teresa of Avila, and it supports the notion of fertility nicely. And since it's been mentioned, I have no issue with the rhyming lines, personally I like a changeup.
(08-06-2020, 11:07 AM)Joyful Noise Wrote: hummingbird
anoint me with grit and
throw colors at me,
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
curling my toes, i
feel what it is to be here,
be near
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
rub my eyes and beat my wings
longing falls as a bow on strings
as i fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
This is my very first poem to be shared with anyone besides my boyfriend lol. I would be so grateful for any and all feedback you may have!
Posts: 23
Threads: 3
Joined: Aug 2020
Such thoughtful and life-giving words, Valerie Please. Glad to know you like the rhyme scheme…definitely need to think about that one. It could probably go or stay. And to think I was evoking Teresa of Avila! Wonderful!
(08-06-2020, 11:07 AM)Joyful Noise Wrote: hummingbird
anoint me with grit and
throw colors at me,
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
curling my toes, i
feel what it is to be here,
be near
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
rub my eyes and beat my wings
longing falls as a bow on strings
as i fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
This is my very first poem to be shared with anyone besides my boyfriend lol. I would be so grateful for any and all feedback you may have!
This is perfect. Nearly. three things. 1) I can see no reason for not capitalising "Anoint" and "I". 2) I could live without the italics. And 3) "...as bows on strings" is tighter and doesn't harm the meaning.
Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing. And if I were you I'd ignore all that and not change a thing anyway.
Thanks for sharing it.
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JN,
Very good for a first poem. Not wild about the line truncation, lack of caps and the long run-on sentence. Most of this is affectation and does not enhance the poem. However points for some good simile and metaphor.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Thank you, Exit! I thoroughly enjoyed your points. I have not really come into my own in terms of stylistic choices, so the lack of normal capitalization is perhaps more out of habit (I sometimes send messages without capitalization because I prefer the look of lowercase letters) than well-thought out choice. And I completely agree about the “bows on strings”. I will make that edit.
Thanks, Erthona. Upon repeated readings, I think I am beginning to agree with the amount of line truncation as excessive. I would say that I do like the verbal-mental tension and imagery associated with the visual form of lines 17-19. What do you think about keeping these in the original form?
hummingbird: edit #1
Anoint me with grit and
throw colors at me,
that I may lap up the nectar of life
Curling my toes, I
feel what it is to be here,
be near
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such fertile soil
and congruently blossom within me
Rub my eyes and beat my wings
Longing falls as bows on strings
as I fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
Posts: 464
Threads: 200
Joined: Dec 2017
I disagree with some of the above comments on line spacing and truncation. They are perfect in the original version as they indicate the necessary pauses to make the poem work its charm. Otherwise, it's just fancy prose.
The revised edition is fancy prose.
Consider, in the revised version:
that I may lap up the nectar of life
BEING would sow me in such fertile soil
and congruently blossom within me
vs in the original:
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
You have tried to standardise the lines and write them out as you would in a normal sentence. However, in doing so you have lost the qualities of epiphany and revelation that the reader got when progressing from line to line in the original.
That was - whether you intended it to be the case or not - why the original read so well. There must have been a reason why you had it in the first place.
Don't be in a rush to revise and don't assume that every crit, however well intended, is going to make your piece better. You need to decide that for yourself and do what you feel is right, in the end.
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(08-07-2020, 02:02 PM)busker Wrote: I disagree with some of the above comments on line spacing and truncation. They are perfect in the original version as they indicate the necessary pauses to make the poem work its charm. Otherwise, it's just fancy prose.
The revised edition is fancy prose.
Consider, in the revised version:
that I may lap up the nectar of life
BEING would sow me in such fertile soil
and congruently blossom within me
vs in the original:
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
You have tried to standardise the lines and write them out as you would in a normal sentence. However, in doing so you have lost the qualities of epiphany and revelation that the reader got when progressing from line to line in the original.
That was - whether you intended it to be the case or not - why the original read so well. There must have been a reason why you had it in the first place.
Don't be in a rush to revise and don't assume that every crit, however well intended, is going to make your piece better. You need to decide that for yourself and do what you feel is right, in the end.
Wow, y’all are making this so tricky for me—it’s so lovely! Yes busker, the line breaks were put in place for both pause and to add an aspect of discovery. I’m glad to know you liked it the original way. Would you suggest keeping the original indentations as well as the line breaks? Or does that make it too choppy? I tend to gravitate towards poems that have a little more visual interest, but I also don’t want to add affectation for its own sake.
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(08-07-2020, 10:42 PM)Joyful Noise Wrote: (08-07-2020, 02:02 PM)busker Wrote: I disagree with some of the above comments on line spacing and truncation. They are perfect in the original version as they indicate the necessary pauses to make the poem work its charm. Otherwise, it's just fancy prose.
The revised edition is fancy prose.
Consider, in the revised version:
that I may lap up the nectar of life
BEING would sow me in such fertile soil
and congruently blossom within me
vs in the original:
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
You have tried to standardise the lines and write them out as you would in a normal sentence. However, in doing so you have lost the qualities of epiphany and revelation that the reader got when progressing from line to line in the original.
That was - whether you intended it to be the case or not - why the original read so well. There must have been a reason why you had it in the first place.
Don't be in a rush to revise and don't assume that every crit, however well intended, is going to make your piece better. You need to decide that for yourself and do what you feel is right, in the end.
Wow, y’all are making this so tricky for me—it’s so lovely! Yes busker, the line breaks were put in place for both pause and to add an aspect of discovery. I’m glad to know you liked it the original way. Would you suggest keeping the original indentations as well as the line breaks? Or does that make it too choppy? I tend to gravitate towards poems that have a little more visual interest, but I also don’t want to add affectation for its own sake.
My view - and this is just a matter of taste, since you asked - is that neither the indentations nor the line breaks feel gimmicky in this instance. So I wouldn’t change a thing in that department.
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I like it but I'm not feeling the italics.
This is insufficient critique. Please offer a more in-depth response. http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-6438.html
Thank you,
-Quix/admin
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(08-13-2020, 02:20 AM)DashwoodMedia Wrote: I like it but I'm not feeling the italics.
This is insufficient critique. Please offer a more in-depth response. http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-6438.html
Thank you,
-Quix/admin
Sorry you got flagged, man. The italics are meant to mirror those used in a few versions of the Bible, where in the Book of Exodus YHWH reveals Himself to Moses as “ I AM”. Sometimes it is not italicized, but I like that it connotes a greater sense of motion and action to even the words themselves, and God Himself is essentially suggesting that He is more verb than noun.
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He is more than noun. Isn't that why they added the italicized words to our action language of concrete things?
The first stanza is the best, before the last line of it. But I wouldn't change that.
And it's fitting how the punctuation drops away, or just isn't there, as it goes beyond it.
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(08-06-2020, 01:40 PM)busker Wrote: I love this.
Didn’t quite follow the wings / strings portion - looked like meaning was sacrificed in the temptation to rhyme
But that aside, nothing much to complain about
Hey Joyful. I just wanted to say I agree with Busker's above sentiment. "Longing falls..." is too weak a line for an otherwise strong poem. For me, the issue is that the simile is weak to begin with, so the rhyme is an unneeded jolt. Is there a universal way that readers will imagine a bow falling on strings? Not really. So the comparison adds no real clarity as to how "longing falls." I think it's the combination of a weak simile and an unexpected rhyme that makes it stand out so much. Omitting or reworking that one line would lift the entire piece IMO.
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(08-13-2020, 07:27 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: (08-06-2020, 01:40 PM)busker Wrote: I love this.
Didn’t quite follow the wings / strings portion - looked like meaning was sacrificed in the temptation to rhyme
But that aside, nothing much to complain about
Hey Joyful. I just wanted to say I agree with Busker's above sentiment. "Longing falls..." is too weak a line for an otherwise strong poem. For me, the issue is that the simile is weak to begin with, so the rhyme is an unneeded jolt. Is there a universal way that readers will imagine a bow falling on strings? Not really. So the comparison adds no real clarity as to how "longing falls." I think it's the combination of a weak simile and an unexpected rhyme that makes it stand out so much. Omitting or reworking that one line would lift the entire piece IMO.
Thanks, Tiger. I see what you’re saying about the comparison being unclear. Perhaps “falls” is the root of the issue. I was attempting to convey the (somewhat more universal) association between stringed instruments and the sense/tone of tension and striving that they add to a piece of music. Trying out substitute words in my head… “tugs” maybe? I think I might like that better.
hummingbird: edit #2
Anoint me with grit and
throw colors at me,
that I may lap up the
nectar of life
Curling my toes, I
feel what it is to be here,
be near
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me
Rub my eyes and beat my wings
Desire tugs on tuned strings
as I fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
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hummingbird
anoint me with grit and I can suspend the disbelief about grit if you reference it again.
throw colors at me, I might like to see an actual color; they are green around here.
that i may lap up the
nectar of life
curling my toes, i Good line, a poet you may be yet
feel what it is to be here,
be near.
who is I AM that
BEING would sow me in such
fertile soil
and
congruently
blossom within me I want to see something about a blossom in a feeder here
rub my eyes and beat my wings Another good one
longing falls as a bow on strings
as i fit myself into place
squeeze myself into the gaps
between
tectonic plates
I dug it. It has a lot of potential.
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"Thanks, Erthona. Upon repeated readings, I think I am beginning to agree with the amount of line truncation as excessive. I would say that I do like the verbal-mental tension and imagery associated with the visual form of lines 17-19. What do you think about keeping these in the original form?"
Sorry, but I can't see that it does anything for the poem and for me it is a distraction. These sorts of tricks are what I would expect to find in old ladies coffee table books.
best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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