Glass Soldiers

[heslopian]

Armed with the crossbow of cynicism
I dared believe myself above
The bewinged demon that is love.
But like a house concealed by snow

Then exposed to the glare of the sun,
I felt my shell evaporate, my windows
Glisten, those diamond eyes, staring
Once more on my soul’s barren plains.

Reduced to a slave of base desire,
I unwillingly stoked that internal fire.

Now roaring with life through this
Wretched winter, my pretences,
Glass soldiers, shattered forever,
I lament the loss of my weak defences.

[billy]

love the title.
will be back to give some feedback later

[billy]

Armed with the crossbow of cynicism
I dared believe myself above
The bewinged demon that is love. is that the same as winged?
But like a house concealed by snow

Then exposed to the glare of the sun, is then needed?
I felt my shell evaporate, my windows
Glisten, those diamond eyes, staring
Once more on my soul’s barren plains.

Reduced to a slave of base desire,
I unwillingly stoked that internal fire.

Now roaring with life through this
Wretched winter, my pretences,
Glass soldiers, shattered forever,
I lament the loss of my weak defences.

so the glass soldiers shattered. were they broken by love?

i love the title.
i think there could be more of a show of imagery instead of the telling within the body of the poem.
the last stanza works well for me. i think a full rhyme scheme could be harnessed with this one as well.

for me i think you have to be brave with this one jack and do an in depth edit. sorry for not being specific. jmo
as always, thanks for the read.

[addy]

Glass soldiers, is definitely a stunning image, just fantastic. Love the story arc of this as a whole... to have become a creature of the sun being both a revelation and a tragedy. For some reason I felt your very last line was the weakest, though, like it doesn't do enough justice to the rest of the poem... this is just imo though.

Thanks so much for sharing this

[heslopian]

@Billy - Thank you for the feedback, Billy "Bewinged" is the same as winged, yes, but I just liked the classical sound of that word This poem was at first intended to be a Petrarchan sonnet, but ended simply following his themes rather than his rigorous syllable count.
And yes, the glass soldiers were shattered by love. I know what you're thinking: awwww!

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@Addy - Thank you for the kind words and feedback, Addy You're right about the very last line. I didn't know how to finish the piece whilst ending on a quatrain, thus totalling fourteen lines, so I rushed my grand finale