Before the rain

[penneddown]

She pegs linen late into the lazy days,
the air hanging low, heavy.
The petunias shiver
and Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
palms to the glass, 
trialing permanence .

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and the sky
is late night television.
They wait for the rain.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories
of yesterday.
Before the rain, before the air 
was so close
that they needed to start over. 

Before the rain

She pegs linen late into the lazy days
when the air is devil’s strawberries -
ripe, low, heavy. 
The petunias shiver and
Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
three-year-old palms to the glass, 
trialing permanence.

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and the sky
is late night television.
Collecting warm-damp laundry,
She spreads it over the backs 
of her old wooden chairs. 

Cumulonimbus exhales
and for just a moment
the red paisley shirt and blue chinos 
come alive
casting an apparition on the back wall.
Phoebe starts the film roll, 
counting to three -
Il pleuvra, il pleut, il pleuvait ...

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories of yesterday.
Before the rain, before the air 
was so close 
that they needed to start over. 

[Tiger the Lion]

I think some of the end words would serve better on the next line. Ending lines with "and" or "of" or "is" weakens the reading. I will highlight below.

She pegs linen late into the lazy days,
the air hanging low, heavy.
The petunias shiver 
and Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
palms to the glass, 
trialing permanence .

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and the sky 
is late night television.
They wait for the rain.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories 
of yesterday.
Before the rain, before the air 
was so close 
that they needed to start over. 

[penneddown]

I think some of the end words would serve better on the next line. Ending lines with "and" or "of" or "is" weakens the reading. I will highlight below.

She pegs linen late into the lazy days,
the air hanging low, heavy.
The petunias shiver 
and Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
palms to the glass, 
trialing permanence .

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and the sky 
is late night television.
They wait for the rain.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories 
of yesterday.
Before the rain, before the air 
was so close 
that they needed to start over. 

Thanks! Agreed - that’s very helpful. I’ve made the necessary amendments.

[Knot]

.
Hi Penned,
like the tone and the first two verses in particular, but I'm left with the
question, why, if a storm is coming, is she pegging out the washing?
(And when does she bring it in? )

The odd thought ...

late into the lazy days,
She pegs linen, the air hanging
low and heavy. petunias shiver
- be tempted to replace 'She' with 'Mom'

Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
(three year- old) palms to the glass,
trialing permanence .
- maybe a modifier/descriptor for either the paint, palms, or the glass?

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and
the sky is late night television.
They wait for the rain.
- the ambiguity of 'her' is a little, but only a little, bit of a stumble,
'late night television' is great, but this is a comparatively weak verse,
I think. The nebulous 'something' and the worn 'thunder claps' could
stand improving)

- Feels like there could be another verse here, perhaps from Phoebe's
perspective? The jump from 'wait' to 'later' is rather unsatisfying.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories of yesterday.
- 'memories of yesterday' hits the wrong note, for me (the the idea
doesn't stretch to include Phoebe, or have I missed something?)

Before the rain, before
the air was so close
('was ...' doesn't seem to do enough. Is there an image or metaphor
with which you could replace this line?)
that they needed to start over.
- like the ending (did you try
before the air was so close / before they
needed to start over?)


Best, Knot


.

[penneddown]

.
Hi Penned,
like the tone and the first two verses in particular, but I'm left with the
question, why, if a storm is coming, is she pegging out the washing?
(And when does she bring it in? )

The odd thought ...

late into the lazy days,
She pegs linen, the air hanging
low and heavy. petunias shiver
- be tempted to replace 'She' with 'Mom'

Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint,
(three year- old) palms to the glass,
trialing permanence .
- maybe a modifier/descriptor for either the paint, palms, or the glass?

Inside her something moves,
thunder claps and
the sky is late night television.
They wait for the rain.
- the ambiguity of 'her' is a little, but only a little, bit of a stumble,
'late night television' is great, but this is a comparatively weak verse,
I think. The nebulous 'something' and the worn 'thunder claps' could
stand improving)

- Feels like there could be another verse here, perhaps from Phoebe's
perspective? The jump from 'wait' to 'later' is rather unsatisfying.

Later the patio radiates
heat that smells of earth
and memories of yesterday.
- 'memories of yesterday' hits the wrong note, for me (the the idea
doesn't stretch to include Phoebe, or have I missed something?)

Before the rain, before
the air was so close
('was ...' doesn't seem to do enough. Is there an image or metaphor
with which you could replace this line?)
that they needed to start over.
- like the ending (did you try
before the air was so close / before they
needed to start over?)


Best, Knot

Thanks Knot. I appreciate your feedback. I agree the poem felt a little short so I have added a bit more, which also gives more of an indicator of the feelings of loss that the poem is trying to provoke. I’ll have a little think about your other comments too.

.

[Knot]

.

Hi Penned.

I think the addition is a move in the right direction, but a little too obvious, you don't need 'a vision of him'

and the laundry/conservatory chair/there rhymes dispel the mood, for me. Not to mention whether 'yellow

shirt and corduroy trousers' constitute linen. Do they? I haven't a clue.

Just a thought

She spreads her empty bed

over the backs of old pine chairs

Phoebe sees a white castle

a dragon roars outside.

They wait for rain.

Best, Knot

.

[penneddown]

I have made some more edits. I am not sure how I feel about them ??‍♀️

[Caravano]

Before the rain



She pegs linen late into the lazy days

the air hanging low, heavy. I would consider a different word choice, it seems like something I have heard too many times. 

The petunias shiver

three-year-old palms to the glass,

Phoebe spreads her fingers in paint 

trialing permanence.



Inside her something moves,

thunder claps and the sky is 

late night television.

Collecting warm-damp laundry,

She spreads it over the backs 

of her old wooden chairs. 



Cumulonimbus exhales and the room I feel like there could be a much better word here. 

is illuminated 

for just a moment

the purple paisley shirt and blue chinos That's a mouthful in a bad way, maybe "red"?



cast an apparitions on the wall.

Phoebe counts to three. 

They wait for the rain.



Later the patio radiates

heat that and smells of earth

and memories of

yesterday,

before the rain, before the air 

was so close that

they needed to start over. 


Not digging the ending, you've got some good imagery, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. 
before the rain, before the air 
was so close that
they needed to start over. 


Maybe your poking at a relationship going awry, if so, it needs to be fleshed out. 

[penneddown]

Thanks for feedback both... without wanting to have too many metaphors (which there may now be) I have made some more edits. The poem is trying to capture a feeling of loss and the impermanence of our daily lives - pegging the linen late into the day when the air is warm and will dry quickly is risky when that is also liable to change very fast