Division

[Valerie Please]

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

[rowens]

Maybe the grey man is being nice. If he can't see, he might feel all he's doing as divine separation; getting between each individual and the cross they believe they should be hanging on.
It reminds me of when you see flies mating, three at one time in one space. You think the small one on the bottom could be the baby, but how did it manifest so quickly, flies lay eggs?
  That's my take on grammar and linguistic competence.

[Valerie Please]

Maybe the grey man is being nice. If he can't see, he might feel all he's doing as divine separation; getting between each individual and the cross they believe they should be hanging on.
It reminds me of when you see flies mating, three at one time in one space. You think the small one on the bottom could be the baby, but how did it manifest so quickly, flies lay eggs?
  That's my take on grammar and linguistic competence.

If the grey man were absolutely nice or absolutely awful, he’d look pretty silly in grey. Sometimes it’s made to burn and that’s ok. Maybe the little fly is just there, taking notes, but he’s not anybody’s egg. On short, can you really be sure that we’ve ruled out autogenesis?

[rowens]

I'm more concerned with autoeroticism. Why do people insist on using abstract art as their avatars?

---

I dress in red all the time and nobody thinks I'm sexy.

[Tiger the Lion]

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

Very much enjoyed. For me the poem would benefit from a few formatting tweaks, but my ideas on presentation aren't universal and the poem stands up just fine as it is. I'm not sure if Line 12 helps or hurts the poem and since this is in "fun", I won't dwell on it too long. Thanks for posting.

[Valerie Please]

I'm more concerned with autoeroticism. Why do people insist on using abstract art as their avatars?

---

I dress in red all the time and nobody thinks I'm sexy.

Look, black and white is a great way to look like you’re not trying to hard. “I just woke up pretentious.” Is it possible that red is trying to hard? 

Maybe consider something in a jewel tone. Like a teal or purple. Jewel tones are great for all complexions and never go out of season.

---

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

Very much enjoyed. For me the poem would benefit from a few formatting tweaks, but my ideas on presentation aren't universal and the poem stands up just fine as it is. I'm not sure if Line 12 helps or hurts the poem and since this is in "fun", I won't dwell on it too long. Thanks for posting.

It might be fun to hear what you’d say...but maybe it’s for a future post in the right forum. Either way, thanks for the read and reply.

[Valerie Please]

Ahhhh . . . fair point. So more like:

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
about the whole.
Division cares about:
the incision, 
the estrangement, 
the divorce.
Even if there were
something left not:
burning
imploded
ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
it’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

Interesting, though I wish something were uncapitalized so it would fit with the enjambment. Other than that, informative poem.

Thanks!

[rowens]

I think the poem is good. But that's not what I'm here for.



"I'm not sure if Line 12 helps or hurts the poem . . ."



Line 12: Division can’t see I      t.





"getting between each individual and the cross"



                                                     — me











             I'm an expert chess player who's never played chess in serious competition before. 



                   I'm a drunk who likes fuckin with people.





I know you spelled 'too' wrong . . .         "black and white is a great way to look like you’re not trying to hard. “I just woke up pretentious.” Is it possible that red is trying to hard?"     — you  . . .    just as a gambit to get me mixed up in your game . . .



but as Chuck Manson said , : I was in your game be fore you was playin it.









I don't see anything at all wrong with your poem. And I can never be sure who's jiving along with me, and who's upset. 

But I'll tell you this:     Your poem is a good poem. It's in the For Fun section. And my idea of fun is being unsure if you're for real or not. Plus all the time it took me to type this due to my lack of computer skills. 


It deleted everything twice, and I had to(o) repeat myself for the first time . . . unless.

Wait a minute.

---

I waited a minute, but somebody sent me a Private Message. So it might take longer than a minute. Depending on what the Private Message

[rowens]

That's my poetry. My poetry isn't poetry. It's being an asshole.

I had a Scandinavian girlfriend who committed suicide. And she had this sexual fetish about trolls.

So I don't know if I'm coming or going.


(across a bridge) --poetry related

[Valerie Please]

I think the poem is good. But that's not what I'm here for.



"I'm not sure if Line 12 helps or hurts the poem . . ."



Line 12: Division can’t see I      t.





"getting between each individual and the cross"



                                                     — me











             I'm an expert chess player who's never played chess in serious competition before. 



                   I'm a drunk who likes fuckin with people.





I know you spelled 'too' wrong . . .         "black and white is a great way to look like you’re not trying to hard. “I just woke up pretentious.” Is it possible that red is trying to hard?"     — you  . . .    just as a gambit to get me mixed up in your game . . .



but as Chuck Manson said , : I was in your game be fore you was playin it.









I don't see anything at all wrong with your poem. And I can never be sure who's jiving along with me, and who's upset. 

But I'll tell you this:     Your poem is a good poem. It's in the For Fun section. And my idea of fun is being unsure if you're for real or not. Plus all the time it took me to type this due to my lack of computer skills. 


It deleted everything twice, and I had to(o) repeat myself for the first time . . . unless.

Wait a minute.

---

I waited a minute, but somebody sent me a Private Message.              So it might take longer than a minute. Depending on what the Private Message

Actually, you’re wrong. My “to” wasn’t a spelling error, it was an error in usage. It’s supposed to be an adverb, and you’re supposed to be in a jewel tone, whether your in mourning or not. 

But, no, if it isn’t fun, what’s the point of any of it? 

Anyway; jewel tones. Get on that, ok?

[rowens]

"Actually, you’re wrong. My “to” wasn’t a spelling error, it was an error in usage. It’s supposed to be an adverb, and you’re supposed to be in a jewel tone, whether your in mourning or not.

But, no, if it isn’t fun, what’s the point of any of it?

Anyway; jewel tones. Get on that, ok?"

Isn't your error in usage by way of a spelling error, such as also: "whether your in mourning or not"?


I don't respond to tones, I respond to what someone says. I am a very superficial man, and only relate to other human beings on surface levels. I take literally the poetic trope: Opposition is true friendship. I ignore whatever tone, jeweled or whatever, you may have, and communicate with you on a surface level, with the deepest affection. 

I am never wrong, I have no attention to be right, only conscientiously, amorally spirited. I don't know.

It is fun, at least for me. I've been explaining that. Ignore my explanations, and join me, in discord and positive, lovesome division.


By "attention", I meant, 'intention'. Intention. But this particular computer or something with the site deletes everything after whatever correction I attempt to make. If I type me and want to go back and insert I'm, the I'm will delete the me in the typing process. And this still happens though I've restarted the computer and started again. My computer skills are what we are: fun.

[Tiger the Lion]

I'm more concerned with autoeroticism. Why do people insist on using abstract art as their avatars?

---

I dress in red all the time and nobody thinks I'm sexy.

Look, black and white is a great way to look like you’re not trying to hard. “I just woke up pretentious.” Is it possible that red is trying to hard? 

Maybe consider something in a jewel tone. Like a teal or purple. Jewel tones are great for all complexions and never go out of season.

---

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

Very much enjoyed. For me the poem would benefit from a few formatting tweaks, but my ideas on presentation aren't universal and the poem stands up just fine as it is. I'm not sure if Line 12 helps or hurts the poem and since this is in "fun", I won't dwell on it too long. Thanks for posting.

It might be fun to hear what you’d say...but maybe it’s for a future post in the right forum. Either way, thanks for the read and reply.

The Caps were my first thought - especially because you have a nice opening line and the Capped 2nd line immediately slowed the read. As far as L12 goes, I'm ok with it now except that "can't" should be "wouldn't" IMO.

[busker]

One too many 'Divisions' for my taste. The last three lines are brilliant.

[Valerie Please]

Get rid of that ellipses. It does nothing for the poem.

Thank you busker and Jagged Edge for the feedback.

---

Get rid of that ellipses. It does nothing for the poem.

Thank you busker and Jagged Edge for the feedback.

Here’s the rework, changing out the original line 12 for two new lines that are meant to give more clarity to the idea of the poem, and also eliminating one repetition of the word “Division”

Also the formatting should be cleaner:

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
about the whole.
Division cares about:
the incision,
the estrangement,
the divorce.
Even if there were
something left not
burning,
imploded,
ruined:
it’s only the destruction
that counts.
As far as Division is concerned
it’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

Thanks again for the reads and feedback.

[Todd]

Hi, I realize this isn't in a critique forum but I'll pass on some thoughts that you can either use or ignore.

Again there is a lot of subjectivity in what I'm going to say. Let's start here though. I really like this. So, filter what I say through the lens of I like this.

I'm not sure if your line lengths are helping you as short as they are. I also think that longer line lengths would serve you when you pair them next to much shorter ones as it would show more division. Consider also not capitalizing each line and just capitalize along sentences. That is a preference again not a mandate. Notes below

Division 
Division doesn’t care --for a short line this still works well as  a first line. I think though I would consider combining L1 and L2 and ending on whole.
"Division doesn't care about the whole."
About the whole.
Division cares about--This however works as a short line because it leads into the three lines below.
The incision 
The estrangement --once we get here it shifts from clinical math to possibly relational--like that
The divorce
Even if there were--I would consider combining these two lines ending with "not"
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing--slight edit suggestion on these two lines: "the act of undoing is doing" 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.--instead of the degrees, maybe each degree. It feels more methodical.

Again, love the idea behind this. Final thought, the title Division is pretty bland. Titles work well when they play opposite to the tone of the poem. If the title is basic sounding the poem should be explosive. If the title is explosive the poem should be subtle. Again, just a preference. So, for instance not trying to give subtext that the poem may not have--just for illustration. Division could be replaced by:

"After my Father's Affair"


Just some thoughts hope they are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Valerie Please]

Oh that is a diabolically clever title! (And yes, you have caught the subtext beautifully. The poem started as kind of a jocular reply to the question "What is one divided by zero, and apparently the answer is "all of my dirty laundry.")

I appreciate the attention to subtle changes to word position that you suggest and find them helpful. Clearly you know how to add polish. Thank you for taking the time to read and give me feedback!

Hi, I realize this isn't in a critique forum but I'll pass on some thoughts that you can either use or ignore.

Again there is a lot of subjectivity in what I'm going to say. Let's start here though. I really like this. So, filter what I say through the lens of I like this.

I'm not sure if your line lengths are helping you as short as they are. I also think that longer line lengths would serve you when you pair them next to much shorter ones as it would show more division. Consider also not capitalizing each line and just capitalize along sentences. That is a preference again not a mandate. Notes below

Division 
Division doesn’t care --for a short line this still works well as  a first line. I think though I would consider combining L1 and L2 and ending on whole.
"Division doesn't care about the whole."
About the whole.
Division cares about--This however works as a short line because it leads into the three lines below.
The incision 
The estrangement --once we get here it shifts from clinical math to possibly relational--like that
The divorce
Even if there were--I would consider combining these two lines ending with "not"
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing--slight edit suggestion on these two lines: "the act of undoing is doing" 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.--instead of the degrees, maybe each degree. It feels more methodical.

Again, love the idea behind this. Final thought, the title Division is pretty bland. Titles work well when they play opposite to the tone of the poem. If the title is basic sounding the poem should be explosive. If the title is explosive the poem should be subtle. Again, just a preference. So, for instance not trying to give subtext that the poem may not have--just for illustration. Division could be replaced by:

"After my Father's Affair"


Just some thoughts hope they are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Exit]

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

An eye for an eye and all that.
This poem isn't really my cup of tea. A bit too abstract, for me. All concept and no concrete image. 
As this is in "for fun" could you express the same sentiment using a rabbit befriending a magpie? Or you Waiting in line at Wendy's? Because it's an idea that comes too raw, without context, without texture. There is a place for that kind of thing, of course, but this reads like pissing in the snow and playing with the steam. But it's all steam and no pissing.

[Valerie Please]

Division 
Division doesn’t care 
About the whole.
Division cares about
The incision 
The estrangement 
The divorce
Even if there were
Something left not
Burning
Imploded
Ruined....
Division can’t see it.
As far as Division is concerned
It’s the act of undoing 
that is doing.
Division is the grey man
methodically measuring
the degrees of separation.

An eye for an eye and all that.
This poem isn't really my cup of tea. A bit too abstract, for me. All concept and no concrete image. 
As this is in "for fun" could you express the same sentiment using a rabbit befriending a magpie? Or you Waiting in line at Wendy's? Because it's an idea that comes too raw, without context, without texture. There is a place for that kind of thing, of course, but this reads like pissing in the snow and playing with the steam. But it's all steam and no pissing.

Yeah I agree with Exit, it's all abstract and no concrete image, perhaps you can re-write the poem.

No way! Some people just aren’t going to like it. It’s fine if it’s divisive.