((((My First Poem On Here Guys, Tell Me Wht You Think. I'd Really Appreciate The HONEST Feedback))))
Lustful Life
As she twist her fingers playing in her hair
She indicates for him to come closer, giving him a stare Forewarned by a touch to the heart
She wants him no closer but doesn't want to part
The lust of two souls soon to be joined
Mind over matter is what he''ll plead
So she'll look to her side, thinking of pride And what she'll need
To stop herself from her sin that is soon to begin
As the actions have acted and the time has departed
They wallow in their filth, knowing not what they have started
He and she become we, laying in clouds
She looks for her pride knowing not to be proud
A feeling of emotion can be a dangerous thing
Not thought thoroughly through
Love was declined, turned Into a fling now her heart is blue
Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
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(03-26-2013, 05:10 AM)NovaKaine Wrote: ((((My First Poem On Here Guys, Tell Me Wht You Think. I'd Really Appreciate The HONEST Feedback))))
Lustful Life
As she twist her fingers playing in her hair
She indicates for him to come closer, giving him a stare Forewarned by a touch to the heart
She wants him no closer but doesn't want to part
The lust of two souls soon to be joined
Mind over matter is what he''ll plead
So she'll look to her side, thinking of pride And what she'll need
To stop herself from her sin that is soon to begin
As the actions have acted and the time has departed
They wallow in their filth, knowing not what they have started
He and she become we, laying in clouds
She looks for her pride knowing not to be proud
A feeling of emotion can be a dangerous thing
Not thought thoroughly through
Love was declined, turned Into a fling now her heart is blue
Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
I enjoyed the idea of this and the way you built up from the come and get me to the option chosen as a fling, I did however feel that the last stanza is a little cheesy and rushed also the rhymes feel forced by comparison to the other stanza's it just seemed to fizzle out without any bang. You have some tight rhymes and you are telling a good story would just want something more by way of a finish, maybe a baby ? Hope this helps. TOMH
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
FragileHeart
Unregistered
This is really good. If you take out the last stanza it will be better
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I agree, I'm not much of a critic but I enjoyed the whole poem, but the last stanza needed a better way to close IMO
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Threads: 26
Joined: Mar 2013
No need for the disclaimer, NovaKaine...I assure you, no sycophants here, yet their truths are gentle enough.
Keeping in mind that this is not intended as a rewrite, simply a way to describe my suggestions...what would you think of both trimming away the excess words that add nothing to the imagery or narrative AND working the condensed poem into a more regular rhythm?
The second stanza has no rhyme, as in your original, just in case there was specific intent for this, perhaps some sense of jarring interplay?
With her fingers twisting in her hair,
she pulls him closer with a stare,
warning him with touch to the heart,
she wants him close, never to part.
When these two souls embrace in lust,
mind over matter is his plea.
Looking to her side, she thinks of pride,
tries to stop the sin soon to begin.
When lust is spent and time departed,
they wallow in the filth they started.
She looks for pride she'll never find
in her heart, hurt by love declined.
The story reads mechanically, which might be part of the message, but any sense of tone is absent. The rhymes seem almost accidental. And lines like "Not thought thoroughly through" and "He and she become we, laying in clouds" feel like lazy techniques that only work as thoughtless ornaments.
The message is there. But what should be attractive at the beginning doesn't feel that way, as everything is forced and awkwardly clinical.
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(03-26-2013, 05:10 AM)NovaKaine Wrote: ((((My First Poem On Here Guys, Tell Me Wht You Think. I'd Really Appreciate The HONEST Feedback))))
Lustful Life
As she twist her fingers playing in her hair
She indicates for him to come closer, giving him a stare break the line here Forewarned by a touch to the heart
She wants him no closer but doesn't want to part
The lust of two souls soon to be joined
Mind over matter is what he''ll plead
So she'll look to her side, thinking of pride And what she'll need too wordy
To stop herself from her sin that is soon to begin
As the actions have acted and the time has departed
They wallow in their filth, knowing not what they have started
He and she become we, laying in clouds clouds or filth?
She looks for her pride knowing not to be proud
A feeling of emotion can be a dangerous thing
Not thought thoroughly through say that ten times fast!
Love was declined, turned Into a fling now her heart is blue
Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
I too did not react well to the last stanza. Even though the whole piece is narrated in 3rd person it seems that the narration changes in the last stanza. Maybe it's that it just becomes preachy. Maybe it's not descriptive. I' not finding the same imagery in that last stanza. It's a good editable poem. I look forward to seeing what you will do with it.
(03-26-2013, 04:57 PM)softlyfalling Wrote: No need for the disclaimer, NovaKaine...I assure you, no sycophants here, yet their truths are gentle enough.
Keeping in mind that this is not intended as a rewrite, simply a way to describe my suggestions...what would you think of both trimming away the excess words that add nothing to the imagery or narrative AND working the condensed poem into a more regular rhythm?
The second stanza has no rhyme, as in your original, just in case there was specific intent for this, perhaps some sense of jarring interplay?
With her fingers twisting in her hair,
she pulls him closer with a stare,
warning him with touch to the heart,
she wants him close, never to part.
When these two souls embrace in lust,
mind over matter is his plea.
Looking to her side, she thinks of pride,
tries to stop the sin soon to begin.
When lust is spent and time departed,
they wallow in the filth they started.
She looks for pride she'll never find
in her heart, hurt by love declined.
I really appreciate the advice,i like what you did with my poem and twisting it around.
Posts: 134
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Joined: Mar 2013
I agree with everyone on that last stanza. It weakens the rest of the poem.
I think some of the phrases are also quite awkward and 'break the spell' so to speak, these ones in paticular:
-from her sin that is soon to begin
-actions have acted
-can be a dangerous thing
-thought thoroughly through
-heart is blue
-Read between the Lines, It's happened before, it can happen to you
I love what softlyfalling did with it - cutting it down makes the really good lines you have much more effective.
It's certainly not bad though, just a little trimming would turn it into a lovely topiary (or poem) :-P
- Amy
(You wouldn't be surprised to know my parents did not christen me UnicornRainbowCake.)
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