Terror & Whimsy

[Wjames]

I am wearing a mask
hand-stitched with pink rhinos
pooping in a verdant meadow,
passing smiling children
with scowling mothers
piling towers of canned beans
into their carts.

I have come only for olives, 
something with enough flavour
to stand next to gin 
without cowering in self pity.

There is a young woman in tight jeans 
at the back of one of the longer checkout lines,
and I decide some pleasant scenery
is worth a wait.

When you only venture outside
a few times a week,
the sight of a pretty woman
outside of your laptop screen
is like seeing water
in the Sahara.

[dukealien]

This is quite delightful, and in mild/moderate critique I have only one salient criticism (below) and a few minor comments (interlinear).

Terror & Whimsy


I am wearing a mask
hand-stitched with pink rhinos
pooping in a verdant meadow, trying to get a picture here - not embroidery, more print material with only the outlines of the mask stitched.  but who'd make material printed with that?
passing smiling children
with scowling mothers
piling towers of canned beans   not towers of bathroom tissue, to go with the rhinos?  must be later in the pandemic, when practicality began to overcome panic, and masks were stitched instead of extemporized
into their carts.

I have come only for olives,
something with enough flavour
to stand next to gin
without cowering in self pity. those ones stuffed with garlic or anchovies don't just stand, they push back with sharp elbows [not a poetry comment]

There is a young woman in tight jeans
at the back of one of the longer checkout lines,
and I decide some pleasant scenery
is worth a wait.

When you only venture outside
a few times a week,
the sight of a pretty woman
outside of your laptop screen
is like seeing water
in the Sahara. but only like *seeing* it - lovely and precise simile

My only substantive criticism here concerns the title.  There is plenty of whimsy in the work, but aside from the distantly implied fear which leads he viewpoint to get out only a few times a week, terror makes no appearance; even the mask is whimsical.  Of course everyone knows what you're talking about, so perhaps the allusion in he title is enough.  I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more - the shopping trolley tumbril, rhino flagged as endangered, sort of thing.

But with the title, it's still a very good poem; it could be titled "The Way We Live Now" and still be fine.  Enjoyed it very much - thanks!

[Wjames]

Thanks Duke, I made the title after only writing the first stanza - I thought the mask represented terror and whimsy well, as well as the childs smile and the mothers scowl. I agree that for the poem as a whole, I could come up with something better, I will think on it.

I know nothing about stitching/embroidery, so I could probably improve that part too by looking into how to accurately describe it, although the idea for the mask was really more abstract than something real - sort of a silly gag like you would see in a cartoon. I may look into that a bit more.

[whyelliswhy]

It sounds pretty ignorant and creepy to call a young woman "pleasant scenery." It also just sounds like you are mad at stay-at-home orders, hence why you describe your mask as something to be ridiculed. Sorry, I don't think this poem is worth reading or sympathizing with.

[Mark A Becker]

Dear w-
"Pooping in verdant meadows" is shit, and you know it. That said, since I also inject b.s. into my own work I hope you won't take offense.
I am also guilty of checking out while checking out, and I appreciate your honesty. I know there are others.
I would suggest revising/inventing/inserting a dog mask- one with a tongue hanging out, slobbering. One dog to another, just sayin.