London, how I long

[busker]

Edit 1 (dale)

London, how I long
to clear the rain with gloved fingers
from your face, and find a smile

to trace, a line
to draw upon
the sands of time, 

a reflection of the sun
on your waters of Lethe.

Original

London, how I long
to clear the rain with gloved fingers
from your face, and find a line

to trace, a smile that’s mine
to place amongst
the spoils of time.

Your hunger seasons the sun and moon 
on the waters of Lethe.

[Erthona]

busker,

A nice little idyll, but could use some tightening up. However if you do not care for any critique, please feel free to ignore.

Maybe a semicolon after London rather than a comma. The rest of the commas could be deleted, this would help with readability.

"to trace, a smile that’s mine" -> to trace my smile

First line maybe "London; how I long to clear" Obvious line break after "clear"

This reminds me a little of "fog" by Sandburg.


best,

dale

[busker]

Thanks, Dale.
I wish I could write something half as good as Fog!

This piece requires some rewriting. I'll soak in some feedback and get back to it.

[busker]

Edit posted

[Erthona]

Nice edit, I like it. Good work.

dale