Demons

[spocktorock]

I told myself there were demons in my skin
Forcing me to sin
Wearing me
And wearing me thin

And every grin was fake
And every sob and shake
Were lies
And I would wish that I could die

But there aren't any demons in my skin
Because no one else can own my sins
And as I stare in that damned mirror
It draws clearer, ever nearer
Truth that I would hide

I would claw away my hide
And flay this fake face to pay
Whatever god keeps my guilt to cast it away
Or else burn it on some altar
Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold

But I am that dross, I am that demon
I am the sin, the plague, the stain
That touches all I wear
And nothing white remains

Turn me into ashes, silence all my sins,
Give me to the silence,
Which silence always wins

[CRNDLSM]

I really like the rhymes, but sometimes it may get cheesy 'and nothing white remains', 'truth that I would hide' but its nice and interesting in the 4th block ending in gold. And 'which' at the end doesn't seem to work in my mind. What about 'since silence always wins'. Anyways hope this helps thank you for posting

[rowens]

This is surprisingly good. If only you could remain in silence forever afterwards. I have a demon, I call it Fat Fuck. And since demons by nature come in plural, see DEMOcracy, and tend to legion, I have another name for It that I won't say because of political correctness. Your poem is unintentionally subtle and nuanced, which has points. The demons in skin is a favorable plus. They're in the skin, POSSIBLY in the nerves. I like that bit of your poem.
You told yourself. Haha. OK.

Good. I'd say just realize the clichés and own those parts of ye. And work from there. Context is five percent the law. 
If you know all this . . . You're well on your way to poetry.         don't,    you do now. 
If you

---

And silence is part of your poem. "Silence", you see. That actually is. The idea of silence in the face of DEMONS is a strong starting point for this theme. I'm not just being silly.

The Way is how you work on your rhymes. That's the TAO of it.
The rhymes work in this context. But if you don't make a blatant and awkwardly clever style out of it, it won't

---

"And I would wish that I could die"

See how I mean?

---

Which silence always wins.

[spocktorock]

This is surprisingly good. If only you could remain in silence forever afterwards. I have a demon, I call it Fat Fuck. And since demons by nature come in plural, see DEMOcracy, and tend to legion, I have another name for It that I won't say because of political correctness. Your poem is unintentionally subtle and nuanced, which has points. The demons in skin is a favorable plus. They're in the skin, POSSIBLY in the nerves. I like that bit of your poem.
You told yourself. Haha. OK.

Good. I'd say just realize the clichés and own those parts of ye. And work from there. Context is five percent the law. 
If you know all this . . . You're well on your way to poetry.         don't,    you do now. 
If you

---

And silence is part of your poem. "Silence", you see. That actually is. The idea of silence in the face of DEMONS is a strong starting point for this theme. I'm not just being silly.

The Way is how you work on your rhymes. That's the TAO of it.
The rhymes work in this context. But if you don't make a blatant and awkwardly clever style out of it, it won't

---

"And I would wish that I could die"

See how I mean?

---

Which silence always wins.

Thank you for your feedback! I find some parts of what you said a little confusing, though. I feel like I need to decode the way you write.

[rowens]

Well, your poem made me feel something. And that led me to think. Which led me to write/speak.
And I guess we all have to work from there. Absorb. Digest. Improvise. Keep silence. That's the advice I give myself, and don't take.

---

I think about the word confusing, or confusion. Con seems bad, fusion seems integral. Together, it seems kind of fundamentally and deliciously obvious. If a girl's going to get a tattoo, it should be that.

[Brian Roberts]

[quote="spocktorock" pid='248282' dateline='1581119647']
I told myself there were demons in my skin
Forcing me to sin
Wearing me
And wearing me thin

And every grin was fake
And every sob and shake
Were lies
And I would wish that I could die

But there aren't any demons in my skin
Because no one else can own my sins
And as I stare in that damned mirror
It draws clearer, ever nearer
Truth that I would hide

I would claw away my hide
And flay this fake face to pay
Whatever god keeps my guilt to cast it away
Or else burn it on some altar
Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold

But I am that dross, I am that demon
I am the sin, the plague, the stain
That touches all I wear
And nothing white remains

Turn me into ashes, silence all my sins,
Give me to the silence,
Which silence always wins

I admire the progression of this piece; "demons in my skin" is corporeal and tactile affectation; "Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold" recallls a kind of pious counterfeiting, or better yet, a Rumpestiltskin address to moral laundering. There is room for more virulent verbs for effect, but a strong message indeed.

[Knot]

.
Enjoyed the read, str
but I thought it lost it's way in a bit verses three and five.
Might  be worth considering putting it into the present tense,make it a more immediate.


Food for thought.


there are demons in my skin
I tell myself
Forcing me to sin, Wearing me
out and weak and thin
Where every grin is fake
every sob and shake
are lies


I tell myself
I will claw away my hide
flay this fake and pay
Whatever keeps my guilt
to cast it away. Or burn it
on some altar. Alter my mistakes
Turn me into ashes, silence
all my sins, Give me
to the silence,
that Which always wins
and make of my dross, gold




Best, Knot


.

[Erthona]

spocktorock,

Welcome to the site.

The first three stanzas seem like a circular argument. I am evil, but I am not. There is not much support for this, just a statement.

The rhymes seem driven (not quite forced), especially as they come so rapidly. "sin" is rhymed a number of times. "Hide" is rhymed with itself, which I don't consider a rhyme, it is just repetition. In fact there is a lot of repetition in general, i.e.

"Wearing me
And wearing me thin"

In the later stanzas the rhyme falters badly and as there is nothing besides rhyme to move this (no meter, cadence or rhythm), that is quite problematic.

Probably adding some sentence structure would help to keep this from feeling as one long run-on sentence.

As this is basic I had probably stop here.

best,

dale

[LSClanton]

I appreciated this message and found it relatable and tactile.
I was itching for a bit more word play- gilded guilt perhaps?
I love the imagery of something sacrificing guilt on an alter. It is a strong commentary.
The second stanza seems to not fit well with the rest of the powerful imagery and may not be necessary.

I told myself there were demons in my skin
Forcing me to sin
Wearing me
And wearing me thin

I would claw away my hide
And flay this fake face to pay
Whatever god keeps my guilt to cast it away
Or else burn it on some altar
Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold

But I am that dross, I am that demon
I am the sin, the plague, the stain
That touches all I wear
And nothing white remains

Turn me into ashes, silence all my sins,
Give me to the silence,
Which silence always wins

[whyelliswhy]

"And every grin was fake
And every sob and shake
Were lies"

I don't understand the logic behind this one. If grins are fake, why are sobs and shakes lies?

"And I would wish that I could die"

Cliche. Maybe indicate death in a different way, such as "The tried rope knows enough to cry." But also, cliche.

"I would claw away my hide
And flay this fake face to pay
Whatever god keeps my guilt to cast it away
Or else burn it on some altar
Alter my mistakes, my dross, to gold"

The strongest part of the poem in my opinion.