Bounty

[Gaygoddess]

Played with some themes of love and games (card games to be more specific). Looking forward to feedback! Please do not hold back.

Bounty

My eyes are on fire 
Glazing over
You 
Dealt into the hands
Clear my bonus.
Blinded and I’m falling 
Weightless, suspended 
Hanging, caught 
Hook, line and sinker


Are you falling too?
I can’t see 
You
Pause-rewind
Are you having fun yet? 
Spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs 
tell me.
Go fish

[dukealien]

Bounty

My eyes are on fire
Glazing over
You nice turn here, introducing ambiguity as to how much of the previous two phrases applies to "You."  Both?  All? Neither?
Dealt into the hands
Clear my bonus. This is probably another card-game expression, but I don't recognize it.
Blinded and I’m falling
Weightless, suspended
Hanging, caught  a quibble:  if you're weightless, you can't be hanging
Hook, line and sinker since this is such a familiar expression, think about changing it up:  "line, sinker, and your hook" for example


Are you falling too?
I can’t see
You
Pause-rewind  perhaps some white space around this line to create an actual break/pause?
Are you having fun yet?
Spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs
tell me.  another nice ambiguity - do the cards tell, or is the viewpoint asking the other person to tell?  (And notice how absence of capitalization beginning this line links it more securely to the previous)
Go fish given your system of game terms, this is a nice one on which to end

Cliches (in this case game terms/jargon which have become prevalent enough to seem like cliches) usually require delicate handling - using just one or two, perhaps meditating on their alternative meanings or derivation to reach your point or express your thought.  Or avoiding them entirely in hopes of producing a surprising effect with a novel form of words that expresses the same idea.  What you've done here, by intent, is create a poem composed mostly of such expressions.  It's an interesting way to do things - saying, in effect, "we're playing a game, but which one?"

One thing you might try is reducing capitalization to the minimum required for sentence structure (and, perhaps, punctuation to define that structure).  There is nothing *wrong* with the traditional system of beginning each line with a capital letter, but it can cause some confusion... and is discouraged by many on this board as archaic, though I'm not one of them.

On second reading, I imagine an unspoken subtext around these lines - the card player's thoughts and imaginings as he voices only permitted table talk.  You might try actually inserting those thoughts between the present lines, perhaps setting them off in italics or with indentation.

A poem made of cliches is an original idea.  In your next effort, you might try building your meaning without even a single cliche or commonly used expression.  This may be challenging, but to many people (and their readers) that's what poetry is about.  Don't go random, just eschew the easy way at each turning and see where you end up.

[Wjames]

Played with some themes of love and games (card games to be more specific). Looking forward to feedback! Please do not hold back.

Bounty

My eyes are on fire 
Glazing over
You As duke mentioned, this is nice word play here - I like it, these three lines are the strongest in the poem for me. Something tangible is happening - eyes are on fire, I can feel that.
Dealt into the hands
Clear my bonus. This sentence could use some extra punctuation or reformatting, it is disjointed somehow, especially the connection between lines 3, 4, & 5. Read it as a single sentence: "My eyes are on fire glazing over you dealt into the hands clear my bonus." I'm lost.
Blinded and I’m falling 
Weightless, suspended 
Hanging, caught 
Hook, line and sinker I'm falling for you is a cliche idea, and "hook, line, and sinker" is a common phrase as well as Duke said. I think this could be said in a more unique & interesting way.


Are you falling too?
I can’t see 
You
Pause-rewind
Are you having fun yet? 
Spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs 
tell me.
Go fish This is a fun final line, made me smile.

Welcome to the site, I hope my thoughts are of some help.

[Knot]

.
Hi GG,
duke and Wjames have said most of what I'd say about S1so I'll spare you the repetition.
For me there are either too many 'games' here, or too few. (I'm assuming Bounty is also a game?)

I like S2 and wondered if it might be worth starting with it,something like

Dealt into the hands [might make for an interesting title?]

Are you falling too?
I can’t see
You
Pause-rewind

My eyes are on fire
Glazing over
You
Clear my bonus.

[Raised] and I’m falling Hanging
Weightless, suspended
caught Hook[ed], line[d] and sinker [sunk]
Are you

having fun yet?
Spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs
tell me.
Go fish



Best, Knot


ps What does 'clear my bonus' mean. Is it something to do with online poker sites?



.

[Richard]

Hey Gaygoddess,
I think you have a good idea here with playing with love and card games. However, some of your language could be more concise and maybe focus on the go fish aspect a bit more. I'll go into detail below:

Played with some themes of love and games (card games to be more specific). Looking forward to feedback! Please do not hold back.

Bounty

My eyes are on fire -This line doesn't work for me because fire has nothing to do with the card game imagery used in the rest of the poem. My suggest would be the start with the next line and rewrite as something like: "Eyes glazing over," that way would can keep the nice enjambment you have with the the word "You".
Glazing over
You 
Dealt into the hands
Clear my bonus.
Blinded and I’m falling 
Weightless, suspended 
Hanging, caught 
Hook, line and sinker -While these lines sort of set up the last line of the poem. I think you might want to focus on the card game more so than the fishing aspect. I've never felt weightless playing go fish.


Are you falling too? -Why not "sinking" instead of "falling"? That would help set up the last line more.
I can’t see 
You
Pause-rewind
Are you having fun yet? 
Spades, hearts, diamonds and clubs 
tell me.
Go fish -I like this line as an ending. However, I feel like you need to build to it more. Maybe set it up with a line somewhere else in the poem about asking if someone has a certain card, and then relate the uncertainty of not knowing what cards the other player has to being in love? Just a thought.

I think this is a decent first draft, and I look forward to seeing where you take this from here.

Cheers,
Richard