Spread Your Wings

[mjweise]

Something I was inspired to write when my daughter graduated high school, 25 years ago - and silently recited since at other graduations, weddings, etc.


Spread your wings swift strong eagle
And from your nest of birth take flight.
Spiral up toward realms of glory
Mirroring strong the dawn's new light.

Soar above all wild, wild dreams
And aim to conquer cosmic space.
Glide through times of now and future
Enduring all with style and grace.

Build your strength, resolve and wisdom.
Tame the winds of trial and strife.
Touch each torch of those perched earthbound;
Carry those clear, true and bright.

[Erthona]

mjweise.

Hi, welcome.

A couple of problems:

The meter or even the accents per line are off here and there, which tends to disrupt the reading.

A number of the phrases are cliche which weakens the message.

best,

dale

[mjweise]

My thanks to Erthona and JaggedEdge for their feedback.

To begin learning about meter, I consulted the Forum's link to "Info, Suggestions, Poetic Devices, Help", and I realized the most of my poem's lines had eight "feet" (syllables).  There were three, however, with only seven.  I've reworked these to give the version below that has only lines with eight.

Spread your wings swift, mighty eagle
And from your nest of birth take flight.
Spiral up toward realms of glory,
Mirroring strong the dawn's new light.

Look to every wildly wild dream
And aim to conquer cosmic space.
Glide through times of now and future,
Enduring all with style and grace.

Build your strength, resolve and wisdom.
Tame the winds of trial, snares and strife.
Touch each torch of those perched earthbound;
Hold those burning true, clear and bright.


Regarding cliches:

I'm reminded of my college English composition class, in which my assignments were panned more than once for transgressions against good writing.  One in particular was flagged for inappropriately including a cliche, of which I was totally unaware.  I may well be doing the same in my poem, but consulting a couple of web resources (prowritingaid.com and clichelist.net) hasn't helped find the problem.

[CRNDLSM]

Meter is difficult, I don't get it, cliches can be exact phrases or even well known associations.  'spread your wings' and fly away, 
'realms of glory' lose meaning in your poem because as soon as I hear them in my head I'm imagining all the things associated with them instead of your poem.  If youve been reciting this for 25 years and feel good about it, it may not need any edits, maybe it's only meant for you in these moments.  

My thanks to Erthona and JaggedEdge for their feedback.

To begin learning about meter, I consulted the Forum's link to "Info, Suggestions, Poetic Devices, Help", and I realized the most of my poem's lines had eight "feet" (syllables).  There were three, however, with only seven.  I've reworked these to give the version below that has only lines with eight.

Spread your wings swift, mighty eagle
And from your nest of birth take flight.
Spiral up toward realms of glory,
Mirroring strong the dawn's new light.

Look to every wildly wild dream
And aim to conquer cosmic space.
Glide through times of now and future,I think this line is weak because 'now and future' are times, which you just said, so it's like reading the same thing twice, just adding length and not depth.
Enduring all with style and grace.

Build your strength, resolve and wisdom.
Tame the winds of trial, snares and strife.
Touch each torch of those perched earthbound;perched earthbound trips me, perched like a bird on a twig seems skybound, but maybe it's a perched position 'bound' to the ground
Hold those burning true, clear and bright.


Regarding cliches:

I'm reminded of my college English composition class, in which my assignments were panned more than once for transgressions against good writing.  One in particular was flagged for inappropriately including a cliche, of which I was totally unaware.  I may well be doing the same in my poem, but consulting a couple of web resources (prowritingaid.com and clichelist.net) hasn't helped find the problem.

Reading helps, thanks for sharing

[Wjames]

My thanks to Erthona and JaggedEdge for their feedback.

To begin learning about meter, I consulted the Forum's link to "Info, Suggestions, Poetic Devices, Help", and I realized the most of my poem's lines had eight "feet" (syllables).  There were three, however, with only seven.  I've reworked these to give the version below that has only lines with eight.

Spread your wings swift, mighty eagle
And from your nest of birth take flight.
Spiral up toward realms of glory,
Mirroring strong the dawn's new light.

Look to every wildly wild dream
And aim to conquer cosmic space.
Glide through times of now and future,
Enduring all with style and grace.

Build your strength, resolve and wisdom.
Tame the winds of trial, snares and strife.
Touch each torch of those perched earthbound;
Hold those burning true, clear and bright.


Regarding cliches:

I'm reminded of my college English composition class, in which my assignments were panned more than once for transgressions against good writing.  One in particular was flagged for inappropriately including a cliche, of which I was totally unaware.  I may well be doing the same in my poem, but consulting a couple of web resources (prowritingaid.com and clichelist.net) hasn't helped find the problem.

Meter is about stressed & unstressed syllables used in pattern that can lend writing rhythm or cadence - most rhyming poetry does not feel "right" without adhering to some meter. I don't usually write with meter, but if I'm writing something with a rhyming pattern, I almost always use meter.

Here's an example I just made up where stressed syllables are bolded:

I went to buy a loaf of bread
inside a bakery,
the baker looked at me and said
"I need to take a pee".

That is in common meter ^, rhyming iambic meter (an iamb is one unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable - there are other kinds of patterns too). Common meter is an ABAB rhyming pattern with the A lines having 4 iambs and the B lines having 3 - that's one pattern I find most natural to write in if I'm using meter.  If you read it aloud slowly, you'll be able to hear the rhythm the alternating unstressed and stressed syllables give it.

I don't write in meter often, because I find it frustruating trying to make things fit without sacrificing meaning or feeling, but it's useful to know what it is if you are going to write any poetry (especially rhyming poetry).

Welcome to the site!