The last note

[WaterPig]

The last note

As a poem lies within the boundaries of a page,
Our love has been encapsulated within the four corners of your room.
Limited in its physical presence,
Its impact bursts forth, filling the immeasurable mind and heart in perpetuity.
The keys to my existence in your life are
Enduring words and ephemeral appearances.
The key to your house was a misconception.  
It was not an invitation for consistency.
Whose house have I been entering?  
The spirit who howled in my love is no longer.
I return this key and now we are equals,
Strangers, standing outside locked doors.

[WaterPig]

Thank you for the encouragement and suggestion. Here’s version 2 after some reading and editing.

You left me the key to your empty room,
Within which my heart lay, a rune,
Suffering the silence of verses unread,
Spilled ink from my veins languished in bed.
I shook off the dust and lit pages on fire 
Take back your key and absent inquire!
Ash you’ll step into upon your return,
Proof I was there before we adjourned.

[billy]

hi waterpig. some feedback for you.

first off you have some pretty bland lines and some image rich lines. it's usually the latter that's best aiming for.

Thank you for the encouragement and suggestion. Here’s version 2 after some reading and editing.

Spilled ink from my veins languished in bed. i think it needs a semi-colon after veins but the main thing it's a pretty strong image. metaphor's like this work better than telling us facts without any depth.

You left me the key to your empty room,
Within which my heart lay, a rune, these two lines tell us something but fail to show us.

here's an example but i'm sure you can do better than me;

You left the key to your empty room,
in a fractured glass-heart,

try and use words other heart, beauty etc. they're overused and over rated.
heeding my own words you could say;

on a fractured glass alter.

give images, way out images can often work better than run of the mill ones. use words that lend some power to what you write. don't make it boring.

good effort and great to see you editing. editing and reading and listening will make you; all of us better poets.


You left me the key to your empty room,
Within which my heart lay, a rune,
Suffering the silence of verses unread,
Spilled ink from my veins languished in bed.
I shook off the dust and lit pages on fire
Take back your key and absent inquire!
Ash you’ll step into upon your return,
Proof I was there before we adjourned.

[WaterPig]

Thanks for the feedback Billy. I am trying to draw an analogy between the events that were confined to a room and a poem on a page- both limited in their physical presence but with impactful emotional and intellectual reach. Version 3 with new title:

The Departure
You left me the key to your vacant room,
Within which whispered wishes bloomed.
Now suffering in silence, a poem unread,
Ink spilled from my veins, I languish in bed.

I shake off the dust, light pages on fire. 
Take back your ornament and hollow inquire!
Ash you’ll step into upon your return,
Proof I was here before we adjourned. 

[billy]

Thanks for the feedback Billy. I am trying to draw an analogy between the events that were confined to a room and a poem on a page- both limited in their physical presence but with impactful emotional and intellectual reach. Version 3 with new title:

brevity is often helpful in making a poem speak louder. watch out for miss-matched meter if you're rhyming. after a while you can mix it up a little but learn how meter works first. look in our poetry practice forum for ideas.

here's an example of what i mean without rewriting it. [using your own words give or take; notice the meter

The Departure

You left the key to a vacant room,
Within which whispered wishes bloomed.
Suffering silence, poems unread,
Venous ink, I languished in bed.

i'm not say the above is your poem, just trying to show how decent meter can help a poem that rhymes. if you can't yet work out meter work with a syllable count but make sure it sounds okay when read aloud. if i'm overstepping with the examples just let me know as i don't wish to offend.

The Departure

You left me the key to your vacant room,
Within which whispered wishes bloomed.
Now suffering in silence, a poem unread,
Ink spilled from my veins, I languish in bed.

I shake off the dust, light pages on fire.
Take back your ornament and hollow inquire! for me the inquire doesn't work that well. can you improve on it?
Ash you’ll step into upon your return, this line uses reverse syntax. old poems used to use it but now the language has changeth, it's ok in a period poem but in general it's a no no. You’ll step into ash upon your return,
Proof I was here before we adjourned.