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I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons,
The landscape of my commute
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight.
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter
To let me not forget how much there is to love.
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light,
Being the ebb and flow of each other,
companions in refraction.
My eyes cannot hold it all.
Is the overflowing of my senses creating the current,
The draw that will not let me go?
The impossibility of perfect knowledge the vacuum that sucks me in?
II
The hidden daily lives and deaths in air, in grass, in soil,
The streams that pulse and will not pause,
(So I must think of when I’m not thinking of them)
What can they teach me of the struggles of the cells of your body and soul?
Is this then faith?
III
I know that the love of sere grass, of smoothing snow, of emerald waves
Each exist of themselves.
I know too that they help create each to each other,
The now/old love pouring into the next/now love.
The earth goes round and round,
And you and I have a destination,
And what does this change?
Changes that do not repeat are felt more the miraculous.
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12-11-2019, 02:36 PM
(This post was last modified: 12-11-2019, 02:39 PM by billy.)
first off, big thank you for the feedback you gave elsewhere. 
after reading the piece a couple of times i found it to be a little too wordy remove what words you can and leave the bare bones. it will make for a stronger poem [only a suggestion though].
an example would be something line of [last stanza]
I know that the love of sere grass, of smoothing snow, of emerald waves
Each exist of themselves.
I know too that they help create each to each other,
The now/old love pouring into the next/now new love.
The earth goes round and round,
And you and I we have a destination,
And what does this change?
Changes that do not repeat are felt more the miraculous.
just some suggestions. you can do more or less or leave as is. i think the same can be done throughout the poem to good effect.
(12-11-2019, 01:09 PM)Vikiirna Wrote: I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons,
The landscape of my commute
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight.
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter
To let me not forget how much there is to love.
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light,
Being the ebb and flow of each other,
companions in refraction.
My eyes cannot hold it all.
Is the overflowing of my senses creating the current,
The draw that will not let me go?
The impossibility of perfect knowledge the vacuum that sucks me in?
II
The hidden daily lives and deaths in air, in grass, in soil,
The streams that pulse and will not pause,
(So I must think of when I’m not thinking of them)
What can they teach me of the struggles of the cells of your body and soul?
Is this then faith?
III
I know that the love of sere grass, of smoothing snow, of emerald waves
Each exist of themselves.
I know too that they help create each to each other,
The now/old love pouring into the next/now love.
The earth goes round and round,
And you and I have a destination,
And what does this change?
Changes that do not repeat are felt more the miraculous.
Posts: 6
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2019
Thanks, billy! With your suggestion in mind, I've begun some edits. I've got to get to work, so I'll share later.
Does it need a title? And if so, does "Ecosystems" work?
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Joined: Dec 2009
yes, all poems need a a title. for me ecosystems doesn't add much to the poem.
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Hello from one newbie to another!
First thought - your poem needs a title! (I'm assuming the title of your post was not the title of the poem).
Second - I think you have a few beautiful messages that you are trying to get across (the constancy of love against nature's changing faces, the incomprehensible interconnectedness of individuals, the cycle of life/death in things big and small; all this against a sensual backdrop established in the first section) but the execution can be improved. The language is romantic but can also be confusing and I think doesn't dig deep enough into any one message. I would love to see you focus each section on a concept (you have sort of already done this) and tighten the language. For example:
I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons, --- can you modify this into a metaphor and eliminate "I love...the way I love..."
The landscape of my commute --- nice line
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight. --- not sure "glad" adds anything here
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter ----"repeating" and "unique" work against each other in this line. Maybe try "circadian" or something else that represents a cyclical changing phenomenon
To let me not forget how much there is to love. This is where you can be deeper. How do the angles of the sun allow you to not forget how much there is to love? What do they reveal to you that you would not otherwise be aware of in their absence?
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light, -- "growths" is a confusing word here and I am not sure what you mean.
Being the ebb and flow of each other, -- without a clear understanding of what you mean in the first line, this line risks sounding like word salad
companions in refraction.
My eyes cannot hold it all.
I hope this gives you a start. Can't wait to see a revision eventually! I think you have here the start of something magnificent.
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Joined: May 2014
There’s a lot to like here. I like some of the moments and images. I’m having a hard time finding the rhythm. Some comments and suggestions below are to reduce wordiness and to improve clarity (of course only if I’m understanding it)
(12-11-2019, 01:09 PM)Vikiirna Wrote: I
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons, - Seems to evoke serenity, peacefulness more than passion
The landscape of my commute -Great line. Landscape of course is vista, but it implies vision and planning. Commute connotes ongoing and regular
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight.
Still delighted. Surprised delight persists -Just a suggestion. The line throws me when I try to read it.
When hourglass angles the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months, matter
To let me Lest I not forget how much there is to love. -I suggested “lest,” but I’m not a fan of the word lest
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light,
Being the ebb and flow of each other,
companions in refraction, companions in shadow -I don’t know why I suggested it, maybe just getting carried away
My eyes cannot hold it all.
Is the Are my overflowing of my senses creating the current,
The draw pull that will not let me go? -Draw seemed to be the wrong word
The impossibility of perfect knowledge the vacuum that sucks me in?
II
The hidden daily lives and deaths in air, in grass, in soil,
The streams that pulse without and will not pause,
(So I must think of when I’m not thinking of them)
What can they teach me of the struggles of the cells of your body and soul?
Is this then faith?
III
I know that the love of sere grass, of smoothing snow, of emerald waves
Each exists of themselves independent of me.
I know too that they help create each to each other,
The now/old love pouring into the next/now love.
The earth goes round and round,
And you and I have a destination,
And what does this change?
Changes that do not repeat are felt more the miraculous.
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(12-11-2019, 01:09 PM)Vikiirna Wrote: Hi I'm a newbie here too, welcome..Still getting used to the site. This piece has some unique and beautiful phrases.
I really like the way you use the elements of the earth to describe your love, works perfectly and paints a picture for the reader.
The only suggestions I can offer is to weed out the extra words, which at times ubscure the thought you are trying to portray, I find too many words cloud the picture
extraneous words i put in bold letters
I love your body the way I love wheat fields through the seasons..............gorgeous first line
The landscape of my commute
Bringing both delight and glad wonder that there should still be delight......maybe ....Joyfulness or joy
When the repeating unique angles of the sun, through hours, through months,through matter
to let me not forget how much there is to love.
Smooth and rough growths play their different games together in the same light,......clarify this statement
Being the ebb and flow of each other,
companions in refraction. ...................................................................lovely phrases
My eyes cannot hold it all.
Is the overflowing of my senses creating the current,
The draw that will not let me go?..............................that pulls and will not let me go?
The impossibility of perfect knowledge the vacuum that sucks me in?
II
The hidden daily lives and deaths in air, in grass, in soil, ................without the 2 In words it sounds stronger
The streams that pulse and will not pause,
(So I must think of when I’m not thinking of them) ..............................not clear
What can they teach me of the struggles of the cells your body and soul?..........Not getting what the struggles of the cells in his body has to do with faith.....I may just be dense
Is this then faith?
III
I know that the love of sere grass, of smoothing snow, of emerald waves
Each exist of themselves.
i know to that they help create each to each other,
The now/old love pouring into the next/now love.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the old love pouring into the new love
The earth goes round and round.............., cliche maybe use Whirls
And you and I have a destination,
And what does this change?
Changes that do not repeat are felt more the miraculous. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, sorry, don't get this last line.. For me life itself is constantly changing and full of the miraculous
maybe clarify
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