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Unsightly and unseen,
I trespass in dream.
A wanderer wondering
If my shadow is seen.
Silent and solitaire,
I solemnly stare
In the darkness of dream,
Like an unheard scream.
With a voyeur’s gaze
And eyes ablaze
All thoughts are mined
In this peep show of mind.
Posts: 5
Threads: 1
Joined: Nov 2019
(11-13-2019, 08:32 AM)Pinprick Wrote: Unsightly and unseen,
I trespass in dream.
A wanderer wondering
If my shadow is seen.
Silent and solitaire,
I solemnly stare
In the darkness of dream,
Like an unheard scream.
With a voyeur’s gaze
And eyes ablaze
All thoughts are mined
In this peep show of mind.
Hi Pinprick...
Nice choice of rhymes. Mined and mind is lovely.
Lots of thought provoking lines. I like trespass in dream...I suggest starting there.
I crossed out three lines that seem unnecessary as they appear to "tell" what you are already "showing."
The rhymes were predictable due to every two lines rhyming. That pattern of rhyme caused abrupt stops as I read. It might be nice to mix that up a bit.
Thanks for posting! Nice imagery.
I sleep with the lights out.
They always come back.
Posts: 113
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2016
(11-13-2019, 08:32 AM)Pinprick Wrote: Unsightly and unseen,
I trespass in dream.
A wanderer wondering
If my shadow is seen.
Silent and solitaire,
I solemnly stare
In the darkness of dream,
Like an unheard scream.
With a voyeur’s gaze
And eyes ablaze
All thoughts are mined
In this peep show of mind.
Suggestions: switch the order of L1 and L2, then remove the line break. Remove line break between L3 and L4.
I lose the simile on L7 and L8. L9-12 feel as if they are trying to fit eight lines of material into four, but without sufficient word choice to make it effective.
Good rhythm, but simple rhymes.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
Posts: 61
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Joined: Jul 2017
(11-13-2019, 08:32 AM)Pinprick Wrote: Unsightly and unseen, great start to this poem
I trespass in dream.
A wanderer wondering
If my shadow is seen. this is an intriguing query
Silent and solitaire,
I solemnly stare
In the darkness of dream, you should pluralize dream in order to contrast with the first singular use of the same
Like an unheard scream.
With a voyeur’s gaze
And eyes ablaze
All thoughts are mined it is unclear to me what you are suggesting in this line
In this peep show of mind. voyeurism, is interesting, yet broad, the idea that your dreams are somehow transparent should be explained, yet generally the mind, itself, is much more complex than the flesh market of a peep show. if this is some kind of waking dream, through sexual escapade , you should explain the mechanism for this exchange between dream-like deviants or pscyophants. you could perhaps use the loaded term, "sadism" in order to capture the shadowy scene which you seemingly alluding towards
plutocratic polyphonous pandering
