Church Youth Group Holiday

[heslopian]

beneath the peaks of Switzerland,
inside a youth hostel,
we played chess and cake eating games,
while I cleverly avoided showers
and dreamed about the Scottish sect,
who strolled around with their shirts off,
flexing muscles and playing football.
energetic twenty-somethings, ripe with vigour,
how I prayed that one of them
might be a pederast,
with a longing for young flesh
like mine.

staring down a sheer cliff face,
that day when they took us up one of those peaks,
I shivered more than a camel in the night,
as desert winds lash its body.
but I soon conquered that vertigo,
as the adults looked on with incredulity
("I bet he made it up, poor lad;
he's never been right in the head...")

all this time we wore our Navy blue clothes,
with the golden anchor stitched over one breast,
and trudged in our trainers down thin gravel roads,
towards small chocolate shops and big swimming pools.

in my pocket was a trove of gray francs,
and using my one word: "merci,"
I bought sweets and fizzy drinks,
a tiny red purse with white cross for my Nan,
teaspoon for my dad
and beer glass for his wife.
later he'd complain that I'd given him
the cheaper gift.

I'm aware that I'm just listing things -
mountains, shopping trips and walks -
but even the Swiss could not relieve
my mordant ennui,
cuckoo clocks and chocolates or no.

the central pleasure I derived
was from observing those taut Scottish men,
flexing in the sun,
wearing only shorts,
their faces course and pitted,
skin like parchment
and rounded buttocks.

[billy]

i'll give some feedback tomorrow as to why i really like this one jack.
have to go out now.

[heslopian]

I look forward to your feedback, Billy

[billy]

beneath the peaks of Switzerland,
inside a youth hostel,
we played chess and cake eating games,
while I cleverly avoided showers
and dreamed about the Scottish sect,
who strolled around with their shirts off,
flexing muscles and playing football.
energetic twenty-somethings, ripe with vigour,
how I prayed that one of them
might be a pederast,
with a longing for young flesh
like mine.

i think this 1st verse perfect. it starts off all picturesque and moves on to the fantasy of a young man. obviously one with either an inferiority complex or one whose worried about a force major in the shower.

staring down a sheer cliff face,
that day when they took us up one of those peaks,
I shivered more than a camel in the night,
as the desert winds lash its body. is 'the' needed?
but I soon conquered this vertigo, would 'the' or 'that' be better?
as the adults looked on with incredulity
("I bet he made it up, poor lad;
he's never been right in the head...") i'd like to see this part in the elipse expanded on a bit more. though the verse still gives us a good sense of trepidation

all this time we wore our Navy blue clothes,
with the golden anchor stitched over one breast,
and trudged in our trainers down thin gravel roads,
towards small chocolate shops and big swimming pools. i love the image this short verse gives. it feels really julie andrews and co. it's great

in my pocket was a trove of gray francs,
and using my one word: "merci,"
I bought sweets and fizzy drinks,
a tiny red purse with white cross for my Nan, beautiful line and image
teaspoon for my dad
and beer glass for his wife
(later he'd complain I'd gotten him
the cheaper gift). not sure about the elipse

yes, I'm aware that I'm just listing things - is yes needed? for me it weakens the boredom the rest of verse is trying to show.
mountains, shopping trips and walks -
but even the Swiss could not relieve
my mordant ennui, i suppose deathly boredom work
cuckoo clocks and chocolates or no.

the central pleasure I derived
was from observing those taut Scottish men,
flexing in the sun,
wearing only shorts,
their faces course and pitted,
skin like parchment
and rounded buttocks.

a great last verse that compliments the 1st.

all in all i think this is a keeper.
with a really small edit i think it definitely worthy of being in a book on someone's tables in a chalet on the alps. nice read jack
thanks for the read.
all jmo of course.

[heslopian]

Thank you so much for your feedback Billy. Tomorrow I will use your suggestions. I liked your psychoanalysis of my narrator in your comments on the first verse. I doubt he feared a predatory force in the shower, however; on the contrary, I think he would have welcomed it You’re dead on with the inferiority complex though.
One question: Following the "cheaper gift" line, when you say you're not sure about the elipse, do you mean the whole line or just the brackets?
I think I did okay in this piece, but I’m not sure it covers enough; I might try and squeeze another poem out of it, perhaps dealing more with that diction in brackets which you recommended expanding on. My art seems to revolve around raping my own memories!

[billy]

One question: Following the "cheaper gift" line, when you say you're not sure about the elipse, do you mean the whole line or just the brackets?

i found the words were good, just the ellipses

i think the style of this one is prevalent in a few of your poems. the canteen one for sure. they're like hoping to get laid poetry hehe.

anyway, it's a definite keeper for me