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I made some edits..
Side Piece
You're the kind of candy that tricks
with a two toned taste - a little bitter
The kind of candy that sits
bottom of the dish - just sweet enough
The kind of candy that sticks
hard shell gone soft - stuck in mouth
Like a lemon drop.
I wrote this one a little while ago for nation poetry month and decide I liked enough to offer it up for thoughts. Thanks.
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(10-12-2019, 10:59 PM)Xlateralus Wrote: Little Bit
Dear it's quite clear you're like a lemon drop
You're the kind of candy that sticks
hard shell gone soft - stuck in mouth
You're the kind of candy that tricks
with a two toned taste - a little bitter
You're the kind of candy that sits -
bottom of the dish - just sweet enough
Like a lemon drop
Short and straight.
I get a rather straightforward description and some fair innuendo.
It works well as the piece it is, but I bet you could squeeze some extra layers into this.
Things to consider (but not explicitly begging for change)
Some extra punctuation may be useful.
I'd probably cut the repetition of "You're the kind of candy" (especially if no punctuation added) into more this format:
You're the kind of candy...
the kind that...
or the kind that...
which effectively creates a long one or two sentence poem (something I'm a bit fond of).
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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I would say it is quite an original poem, that comparison between a person and the lemon drop really took me by surprise, and then how you explain a little bit that comparison mentioning the words bitter and sweet, as to say, that the person has got a duality, or at least that is what I think you want to say. I also have to say the the stanzas in the middle are a bit difficult to understand, but I think I get the feeling of what you are saying, and that´s the important thing, get the feeling. So great job, really, this is the kind of poems I want to read, something original that surprises me.
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So, I liked this pretty well. Particularly rhyme scheme. The metaphor is consistent throughout and intelligible. However, I think this would work better if you dropped the first and last lines. The three middle stanzas describe clearly enough that you’re comparing a person to candy. I don’t think that stating the specific type adds anything to the poem.
