Dawn (Part Three)

[Lawrence]

I recommend you read Coat and Iron first, in that order. This is part three of a ten part thing I'm writing.

“We are here”-
The voices whisper.
He asks each of them a Question;
Lets the scent
Of winter enter him,
Caresses his sheets and
Watches amber floating
In the low clouds.
Louder and in unison,
“I am here” says the five-
So he rises.

The sun is born into a cradle
Of snow-crowned pines,
It’s cold light awakening
The sleeping city.
Suddenly, a sixth voice comes
Feminine, and soft,
From outside the window,
“ I, too, am here” it says
But he is not listening.

[billy]

I recommend you read Coat and Iron first, in that order. This is part three of a ten part thing I'm writing.

“We are here”-
The voices whisper.
He asks each of them a Question;
Lets the scent
Of winter enter him,
Caresses his sheets and
Watches amber floating
In the low clouds.
Louder and in unison,
“I am here” says the five-
So he rises. is 'so' needed?

The sun is born into a cradle was 'amber' the moon? i thought it was the morning sun if so, for me it makes this line feel like a double take
Of snow-crowned pines,
It’s cold light awakening cold light feels a little cliché
The sleeping city. cliché
Suddenly, a sixth voice comes
Feminine, and soft,
From outside the window,
“ I, too, am here” it says
But he is not listening.

i'm intrigued to say the least. i thing you have a the chance to place at least one great image in each stanza. at present it all leads to dialogue
i have to say i really like the piece, and can't wait to see the series in total other than that nothing much to nit pick at. jmo

thanks for the continuing saga

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

Here my comments on Part 3. I'm not sure what's going on here but as there are ten parts I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually:

I recommend you read Coat and Iron first, in that order. This is part three of a ten part thing I'm writing.

“We are here”-
The voices whisper.--could be a style choice but I'd lose the quotes and shift to italics and change the voices to "They"
He asks each of them a Question;--You can cut "of them" and why the caps on Question
Lets the scent
Of winter enter him,--I like this image
Caresses his sheets and
Watches amber floating
In the low clouds.--Maybe it's just me but while I can see a scent enter someone and have no trouble seeing it carress sheets I have a hard time seeing how it can watch something. I keep wanting a He before this line and punctuation at the end of sheets. Also, as you have it I don't really like the break on the conjunction.
Louder and in unison,
“I am here” says the five-
So he rises.--so the five perceive themselves as a single entity. This is a bit prosy in parts but still works

The sun is born into a cradle
Of snow-crowned pines,[/b]--like these two lines[/b]
It’s cold light awakening
The sleeping city.--agree with Billy you can do better here
Suddenly, a sixth voice comes
Feminine, and soft,
From outside the window,
“ I, too, am here” it says--In this case would this be she instead of it?
But he is not listening.

To me this piece felt mostly transitional. I'd keep reading but it isn't as strong as the previous two pieces. It is interesting in the way a puzzle you'd like to solve is interesting.

I'm looking forward to the next poem.

Best,

Todd