This Job Is Done (originally workman's crown from members only poetry)
#1
Edit 1 

Why'd I quit? When I loved going to work,
It didn't take long to get promoted
since the last manager was demoted
and proved himself to be a total jerk.
"Hey, you deserve it!" He said with a smirk,
"Chris is an asshole; no one devoted
more time than me.  Fuck him!" he exploded.
I'm glad he quit without going berserk...
The next week, though, an earthquake struck the town
and everyone else was forced to quit, too,
but food can't make itself; people still ate,
and my new job was to hold the fort down.
It's my job to figure out what to do.
That means working all day everyday, great!

That means working all day everyday, great!
Without fresh applications, I was stuck.
Even the owner had lost his new truck.
He said he'd find help, I just had to wait.
Tommy, who I replaced, came to my aid,
cause he couldn't find work at all.  What luck!
I could help him get a few extra bucks.
Nine times out of ten, though, he showed up late.
until he said he was ending his life
and I needed to take care of his pets.
I called the police and he didn't run,
sending me a pic of blood on a knife.
The message? "Only way to pay my debts"
No one said this was supposed to be fun.

No one said this was supposed to be fun.
when a couple applied at the same time
with open availability, chime
rang in my mind, so I hired them as one.
The next day, Chica went to jail.  A gun
was found in her car, with previous crimes
on record.  Rico couldn't pay a dime
for bail, but charges dropped for possesion, 
back to work in a week.  Next thing I know,
they were lying about doctor's visits.
Rico supported Andi's transition;
the problem was the name his ID showed
didn't match his check.  Yes I can fix it,
and I wont quit until the job is done.

Andi won't quit until the job is done,
but the restaurant still needed tons of help.
I went so far to put an ad on yelp,
So the owner sent me his eldest son,
who had to meet specific conditions
to stick around (this place, to some, was hell), plus
he had a bad tendency to yell profanity
at customers.  When money
disappeared, he was on register,
then he'd tell his dad that nothing was being
cleaned properly, the store in a state
of incomprehensible disastor,
reflecting my poor management skills.  Me,
trying hard, to not surrender, to hate.

Trying hard to not surrender to hate,
I added two more people to our staff,
To find out one with cancer tore his calf
and couldn't lift five pounds.  Why compensate
unemployment, why try to terminate
him, when I could cut his hours by half.
His utter uselessness now makes me laugh,
"I don't want to lay around getting paid!":
something I've never had to do before.
The other guy I hired was just as bad,
except he had four kids control his fate.
At least he produced notes from a doctor,
I felt so sorry for getting so mad...
These unreliable character traits!

These unreliable character traits
can't even get along with each other.
They make me treat them like I'm their father.
When something goes wrong, they can't give it straight,
then the owner calls and has to berate
me over hearsay, but he can't bother
to get a ride here to help solve all their
collective problems.  If he could inflate
his ego any bigger, he would burst!
What am I saying? I'm a team player,
glad to receive a real first hand lesson
in running your own business. It's the worst!
Unappreciation seems to layer
dead faith in humanity, feeling undead.

Faith in humanity, feeling unable
to survive on my own.  Forces
beyond our control, all the excuses...
Right when I thought I never saw the sun
anymore (a rare glimpse), in walked Mike Chun, 
ready to get back to work.  His house was
finally repaired, saving our asses.
Maybe I'd get a day off.  The kitchen
had never been cleaner, morale was high,
but then everyone learned Chica's real name,
and he/she quit in a rage.  Of course, then
Rico went with... something happened in my
opinion, her and Mike, but who's to blame?
Expected dramatic devastation-

Expected dramatic devastation
seemed to crop up around every corner.
Learn to expect chaos and disorder.
No more attempts for human connection!
Once the first does, the others will threaten
to quit if they don't get a raise, more or
less strapping my neck in a vice.  Border 
line tendencies extend typical Monday
flair, flexing my overgrown power.
Discipline, such an arduous process,
verbal warnings were quick to write-ups.  Eighteen
for the store and we vote who's fired.
I don't care who, they're all so obnoxious.
They're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates.

They're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates:
my moment of zen when the work is tough.
Cleaning dishes for exercise would buff
my arm muscles since I don't masturbate
or have time to go out and find a mate.
The stress I'm under's too much to get off,
and I've suddenly developed a cough
that I should get checked out, anticipating
another wave of workers to come
and go.  I didn't flinch when cancer guy
died, just another shift to fill the blank.
Three more from before the quake came back.  Dumb
me over-scheduled, but I had to try
to keep this ship from sinking in the tank.

To keep this ship from sinking in the tank,
I tried to keep everyone happy here,
encourage them to make this a career
and increase all their earnings in the bank,
offering rewards to improve their rank.
But now when I walk in, i see them sneer
and all I want to do is chug some beer
and make them one-by-one walk off the plank.
That's not what I signed up for as the boss,
especially since we used to be friends. 
Finally, Chris the owner, could come back.
Sympathetic, everyone suffered loss
from the earthquake, but we'd begin again.
Productivity will get back on track.

Productivity will get back on track,
thousands of people were hit this year,
savings tied up in insurance claims.  Near-
death experiences, city-wide black-
outs, the earthquake forced so many to pack
up and leave.  Some say good will is a miracle
but it's natural.  I'd say we're,
as a species, deserving a smack.
Then again, I'm dangling on the edge and
a little psycho, re-sharpening knives
while daydreaming of being a desk clerk,
buried in paper with persistent hand
cramps, injecting coffee to stay alive...
Positivity looks for any perk.

Positivity looks for any perk
despite the stress, the weeks always rushin',
the feet draggin', mind meltin', soul crushin'.
Schedules kept changing, spinning me in circles.
Literally, I tripped, fell over, cracking 
my skull, getting a concussion, 
then came down with pneumonia.  Discussion
of how long it would take to recover continued
south.  Chris came by to ask
how I was doing, said my job was still
saved, I needed a shave, and the room stank.
He took a swig and offered me his flask.
I guess he realized thatd be overkill.
Some people just don't know how to show thanks. 

Some people just don't know how to show thanks.
Tommy popped in cause he heard I was sick.
He didn't kill himself, that was a trick.
He had been sent to a side hall, here, flanking
the building: psych ward.  It was a prank!
So he's out... A fucking maniac prick,
but free.  He heard Chris had made his son Rick 
manager.  While he ranted, I shrank
into the bed and closed my eyes, drifted
into oblivion, sick of thinking.
Keeping them closed, moving them around, cracking
light accompanied great weight, lifted.
When I died, the restaurant honored a king.
They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque.

They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque
(talk about surprised to see me). He gave 
me the plaque and a hug.  He thought the grave
had taken me, so replaced me, but accidents
happen, and though he didn't actually
have a position, my behavior
and work ethic were by far his fave.
Then he fired Rick, calling it a sacrifice.
They couldn't stand each other after 
working together.  "Here's your clipboard.
Count the inventory.  Did you know Mercury's
in retrograde right now? How's traffic 
out there, fine? Go get 'em Megazord!"
Why'd I quit, when I loved going to work?!

That means working all day everyday, great!
No one said it was going to be fun
and I wont quit until the job is done.
Trying hard to not surrender to hate,
these unreliable character traits,
dead faith in humanity, feeling unexpected
dramatic devastation,
they're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates.
To keep this ship from sinking in the tank,
productivity will get back on track...
Positivity looks for any perk...
Some people just don't know how to show thanks...
They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque...
Why'd I quit... when I loved going to work...
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#2
hi chris, this took some reading [more than once Smile] and i mean that in a good way, it's long.

first off it feels wordy, from the first line it feels wordy. it has a rap come hip-hop feel so that's not altogether bad. but the hip-hop feel feels out of kilter so i dismissed it as accidental or incidental.

for me the opening line has a great chance to hold a bit more power.

"Why'd I quit?"
line space here
It didn't take long to get promoted.

a lot of the lines can be tighter. i get the impression you're telling us a story and that's okay. but it feels like one of those round about stories where the punchline is being waited for to make it interesting. i'd like to see it be interesting all the way through. go through it line line. are you saying it the best way. is it concise yet powerful.

"Why'd I quit?"
line space here
Promotion came easy
and not like a Sunday morning easy;


the above isn't a re write, it's an example.

rhymes like:
jerk
smirk

feel forced think about the rhyme.
he said with a smirk, feels even more forced. as though it was handy so you used it without a lot of thought.

finally. cliche is fine in storytelling and rap but in poetry it can be boring. holding the fort down does rock socks.

there's a good poem in there chris but it's buried under a lot of mundane stuff. i left my feedback here so it didn't get lost i the body of the poem.

out there, fine? Go get 'em Megazord! i absolutely love this line. it has humour , it's a reference to remember.





(07-27-2019, 11:03 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote:  Edit 1 

Why'd I quit? When I loved going to work,

Why'd I quit? When I loved going to work,
It didn't take long to get promoted
since the last manager was demoted
and proved himself to be a total jerk.
"Hey, you deserve it!" He said with a smirk,
"Chris is an asshole; no one devoted
more time than me. Fuck him!" he exploded.
I'm glad he quit without going berserk...
The next week, though, an earthquake struck the town
and everyone else was forced to quit, too,
but food can't make itself; people still ate,
and my new job was to hold the fort down.
It's my job to figure out what to do.
That means working all day everyday, great!

That means working all day everyday, great!
Without fresh applications, I was stuck.
Even the owner had lost his new truck.
He said he'd find help, I just had to wait.
Tommy, who I replaced, came to my aid,
cause he couldn't find work at all. What luck
I could help get him a few extra bucks.
Nine times out of ten, though, he showed up late.
until he said he was ending his life
and I needed to take care of his pets.
I called the police and he didn't run,
sending me a pic of blood on a knife.
The message? "Only way to pay my debts"
No one said this was supposed to be fun.

No one said this was supposed to be fun.
when a couple applied at the same time
with open availability, chime
rang in my mind, so I hired them as one.
The next day, Chica went to jail. A gun
was found in her car, with previous crimes
on record. Rico couldn't pay a dime
for bail, but charges dropped for possesion,
back to work in a week. Next thing I know,
they were lying about doctor's visits.
Rico supported Andi's transition;
the problem was the name his ID showed
didn't match his check. Yes I can fix it,
and I wont quit until the job is done.

Andi won't quit until the job is done,
but the restaurant still needed tons of help.
I went so far to put an ad on yelp,
So the owner sent me his eldest son,
who had to meet specific conditions
to stick around (this place, to some, was hell), plus
he had a bad tendency to yell profanity
at customers. When money
disappeared, he was on register,
then he'd tell his dad that nothing was being
cleaned properly, the store in a state
of incomprehensible disastor,
reflecting my poor management skills. Me,
trying hard, to not surrender, to hate.

Trying hard to not surrender to hate,
I added two more people to our staff,
To find out one with cancer tore his calf
and couldn't lift five pounds. Why compensate
unemployment, why try to terminate
him, when I could cut his hours by half.
His utter uselessness now makes me laugh,
"I don't want to lay around getting paid!":
something I've never had to do before.
The other guy I hired was just as bad,
except he had four kids control his fate.
At least he produced notes from a doctor,
I felt so sorry for getting so mad...
These unreliable character traits!

These unreliable character traits
can't even get along with each other.
They make me treat them like I'm their father.
When something goes wrong, they can't give it straight,
then the owner calls and has to berate
me over hearsay, but he can't bother
to get a ride here to help solve all their
collective problems. If he could inflate
his ego any bigger, he would burst!
What am I saying? I'm a team player,
glad to receive a real first hand lesson
in running your own business. It's the worst!
Unappreciation seems to layer
dead faith in humanity, feeling undead.

Faith in humanity, feeling unable
to survive on my own. Forces
beyond our control, all the excuses...
Right when I thought I never saw the sun
anymore (a rare glimpse), in walked Mike Chun,
ready to get back to work. His house was
finally repaired, saving our asses.
Maybe I'd get a day off. The kitchen
had never been cleaner, morale was high,
but then everyone learned Chica's real name,
and he/she quit in a rage. Of course, then
Rico went with... something happened in my
opinion, her and Mike, but who's to blame?
Expected dramatic devastation-

Expected dramatic devastation
seemed to crop up around every corner.
Learn to expect chaos and disorder.
No more attempts for human connection!
Once the first does, the others will threaten
to quit if they don't get a raise, more or
less strapping my neck in a vice. Border
line tendencies extend typical Monday
flair, flexing my overgrown power.
Discipline, such an arduous process,
verbal warnings were quick to write-ups. Eighteen
for the store and we vote who's fired.
I don't care who, they're all so obnoxious.
They're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates.

They're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates:
my moment of zen when the work is tough.
Cleaning dishes for exercise would buff
my arm muscles since I don't masturbate
or have time to go out and find a mate.
The stress I'm under's too much to get off,
and I've suddenly developed a cough
that I should get checked out, anticipating
another wave of workers to come
and go. I didn't flinch when cancer guy
died, just another shift to fill the blank.
Three more from before the quake came back. Dumb
me over-scheduled, but I had to try
to keep this ship from sinking in the tank.

To keep this ship from sinking in the tank,
I tried to keep everyone happy here,
encourage them to make this a career
and increase all their earnings in the bank,
offering rewards to improve their rank.
But now when I walk in, i see them sneer
and all I want to do is chug some beer
and make them one-by-one walk off the plank.
That's not what I signed up for as the boss,
especially since we used to be friends.
Finally, Chris the owner, could come back.
Sympathetic, everyone suffered loss
from the earthquake, but we'd begin again.
Productivity will get back on track.

Productivity will get back on track,
thousands of people were hit this year,
savings tied up in insurance claims. Near-
death experiences, city-wide black-
outs, the earthquake forced so many to pack
up and leave. Some say good will is a miracle
but it's natural. I'd say we're,
as a species, deserving a smack.
Then again, I'm dangling on the edge and
a little psycho, re-sharpening knives
while daydreaming of being a desk clerk,
buried in paper with persistent hand
cramps, injecting coffee to stay alive...
Positivity looks for any perk.

Positivity looks for any perk
despite the stress, the weeks always rushin',
the feet draggin', mind meltin', soul crushin'.
Schedules kept changing, spinning me in circles.
Literally, I tripped, fell over, cracking
my skull, getting a concussion,
then came down with pneumonia. Discussion
of how long it would take to recover continued
south. Chris came by to ask
how I was doing, said my job was still
saved, I needed a shave, and the room stank.
He took a swig and offered me his flask.
I guess he realized thatd be overkill.
Some people just don't know how to show thanks.

Some people just don't know how to show thanks.
Tommy popped in cause he heard I was sick.
He didn't kill himself, that was a trick.
He had been sent to a side hall, here, flanking
the building: psych ward. It was a prank!
So he's out... A fucking maniac prick,
but free. He heard Chris had made his son Rick
manager. While he ranted, I shrank
into the bed and closed my eyes, drifted
into oblivion, sick of thinking.
Keeping them closed, moving them around, cracking
light accompanied great weight, lifted.
When I died, the restaurant honored a king.
They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque.

They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque
(talk about surprised to see me). He gave
me the plaque and a hug. He thought the grave
had taken me, so replaced me, but accidents
happen, and though he didn't actually
have a position, my behavior
and work ethic were by far his fave.
Then he fired Rick, calling it a sacrifice.
They couldn't stand each other after
working together. "Here's your clipboard.
Count the inventory. Did you know Mercury's
in retrograde right now? How's traffic
out there, fine? Go get 'em Megazord!"
Why'd I quit, when I loved going to work?!

That means working all day everyday, great!
No one said it was going to be fun
and I wont quit until the job is done.
Trying hard to not surrender to hate,
these unreliable character traits,
dead faith in humanity, feeling unexpected
dramatic devastation,
they're only quiet when I'm scrubbing plates.
To keep this ship from sinking in the tank,
Productivity will get back on track.
Positivity looks for any perk.
Some people just don't know how to show thanks.
They hung my name, engraved, up on a plaque...
Why'd I quit... when I loved going to work...
Reply
#3
.
Hi CRNDLSM,

I'm with billy, I'm afraid. This feels vastly overwritten, and the story, such as it is, doesn't
warrant the length - the ending didn't justify the journey.
The 'Expected dramatic devastation'doesn't seem particularly dramatic or devastating.
I think the should be a stronger focus ona smaller cast (S3 and S8 for preference).

Other problems were in the way details were revealed.

'Chris' (S1) & 'the owner' (S4) - are only shown to be the same person in S10.

Still don't know who the 'last manager' was.

food can't make itself; people still ate
- I didn't see this as necessarily a description
of what N does for a living. Is it a 'restaurant' (S4) or a 'store' (S8) or both? And would
'productivity' (S10) be used to describe the former?

The 'earthquake' that takes up half of S1 plays no further part in the story. Does it matter?

Looking to be corrected here, but, as far as I can tell, N doesn't quit. So why that opening?


Best, Knot




.
Reply
#4
Thank you both, lengthy doesn't have to be wordy, even though everything is clear to me I'm not bringing it out right.

I've been sitting on this for almost two years with the only feedback being 'i read the whole thing, so it was interesting, but I was expecting a twist at the end which I didn't get'.

My only real constraints are a petrarchan sonnet rhyme scheme throughout a heroic crown with the master sonnet at the end.  

I used my real experience as a new manager of a dog house after a hurricane, keeping it going, hiring help, loving and hating my job and the insane stresses that can result, while using my restaurant experience, reversed genders and an earthquake in case my boss ever read it.  Then I used the earthquake as an excuse to enjamb rhymes in the middle of the words to throw off the foundation, and I bring it up in s11 in defense of the psychotic situation I stayed in.  

As far as the twist goes, I thought I wrote a fun piece of insanity with twists all over, and couldn't think how to twist it in the master sonnet unless I made it sound like I quit anyways.  So I changed the title because, 'i won't quit until the job is done'. Yet asking, why would I quit verses why did I quit, if i loved it... 'why'd'

It's hard to go line by line but I see that I should reword things to be clearer, not really sure how, it took over a year for this edit
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Reply
#5
.
Hi CRNDLSM,

I hope this doesn't come across as a kicking when you're down, but ...
If you're looking for further feedback then ...

If not STOP NOW



As I said before, I'm not clear just what it is N does (perhaps this has got lost during the
process of disguising your 'real experience'. Is a 'dog house' a 'hot-dog house'?)
Nor, if he 'loves his work', why he does. In S1/L1 N makes that claim, but there seems
little evidence of this in the pace - No one said this was supposed to be fun (S2) - and the
last line of S1 drips with irony/sarcasm. Throughout there's a long list of complaints/
hardships but no real joy.

As a reader, what reason do I have for investing in N? By the end, the only thing I learn
is that he/she is dead (which was predictable). It would be interesting to drop some of
the other characters/complaints and present a fuller picture of N.

Would it be possible to give each verse a title? So, S2 becomes Tommy and S3 Chica & Rico.
Speaking of which. The syntax in S3 seems particularly tortured, so I had a go (and despite not
being sure who was transitioning, and in what direction) ... just something to consider (and
dismiss out of hand Smile )

Chica & Rico


No one said this was supposed to be fun,
then Rico and Chica arrive, same time:
not fresh off the boat, not in their prime,
but beggars can't whatnot. So, two for one.
But next day, Go directly to Jail. Gun
found in her glove box, carrying's a crime
with her record. Him, he ain't got a dime
for bail. Fate. Charges dropped for possession,
so she's back at work in a week. I know.
Next, they're lying about doctor's visits.
Sweet Rico "supports her transition"
the problem's the name that his ID showed
ain't matching her check. Yes. I fix it
and I won't quit until the job is done.

But, now, looking at it on the page (with the subtitle) I'm wondering if it could be rewritten but
from the perspective of either Chica or Rico? The first line sounds like something either could say,
and the end line could be attributed back to the original N. Though this may be a bit toomuch of
a scorched earth approach.  Smile

Anyway, hope this helps.


Best, Knot.


.
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