No Certainties

[churinga]

No Certainties 

Three types of cloud today 
but I don't know to name them.
Nimbus? I like that, a halo.

I look at shadows, their colours;
at the bright flowers carefully kept
in Centennial, busy now with Sunday.

And the cover of your bed was folded
and I woke from my dream shuddering 
and thought you were gone.

On the phone, your accent, as you ask 
in the patient way of a stranger,
Why not fly over, just for a visit?


 

[Seraphim]

I see a lot of potential for developing this.

It seems you’re leading up the larger uncertainty in the penultimate stanza with two stanzas of minor uncertainties. Then a move towards resolution in the last stanza. A good idea, except I don’t see uncertainty in S2, so maybe I’m misreading the intent.

I think S1 can be a very strong opener with the imagery of dark clouds, and the possibility of some great stress patterns - cumulous-nimbus.

S3 confuses me a bit. “Your bed”? Makes me wonder about the relationship / living situation. They were roommates but not lovers?

Just some thoughts

[churinga]

Thanks Seraphim for your comments.
'Uncertainties' was a last minute change, the original title was 'Three Types Of Cloud'. There is uncertainty in the poem but I was trying to capture the mood I was in.
My ex-lover is in Bulgaria and I did offer to go over and see her but she refused, she is very ill and said it would be too sad.
She recently said goodbye and I fear she may have entered hospital for the last time. We are both 72 and she has been ill from emphysema for some time.
I wrote this about 5 years ago.

[Seraphim]

It takes a great deal of courage to put one's intimate feelings up for public review; but perhaps that's why I sensed something here: a sense of loss, a bit of unexpectant hope. But it seems, sadly, there's still more that's going to need saying.

My apologies if I've stuck my nose too deeply into a personal story, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[churinga]

It's OK, we were together a long time ago but had kept in contact via letters, calls and then facebook. All love poems are personal and I made it public so it is fine to comment.

[Knot]

.
Hi Churinga.
I agree with Seraphim about the potential here.
S1/L3 works very well, I think.

My first thought would be to swap the order of
S2 and S3 (maybe cutting the third 'and' as well).
or you might put it into the present tense
The cover of your bed is folded
when I awake from my dream
shuddering, you are gone ?

S1/L2 - do you mean, I don't know what they're called?
(If you don't know how to name them, how do you
know there are three 'types' ?)

(Is Centennial a place?)

Colon after 'stranger' ?

In S4 I'd prefer something about N rather than 'your accent'
(which does not offer much).


Best, Knot.


.

[Seraphim]

This poem was something you wrote to her 5 years ago. I'm assuming the flower reference was something she would have understood (or did understand if you showed it to her). Perhaps I'm just a romantic, but I wouldn't see this change under the circumstances.

I'm thinking there's a second poem to be working on, rather than modifying this one.

[churinga]

Thanks Knot for your comments.
Centennial Park is Sydney's biggest park (3 1/2 acres) and everyone calls it Centennial.
I think it is OK to know there are different types of cloud and yet not remember what they are called.
I agree 'your accent' doesn't say much. But since she called me on the phone it is what stayed in my mind, the sound of her voice , her foreign accent empahasized her remoteness from me.
I have fixed the punctuation you mentioned.
cheers
Ross

[Seraphim]

accent - inflection
nimbus - nimbus-something-or-other

Sorry. Couldn't stay out of it, despite my last post...

[churinga]

Hi Seraphim
I am using alliteration
know, name, Nimbus
accent, as you ask

[busker]

Thanks

No Certainties 

Three types of cloud today 
but I don't know to name them.
Nimbus? I like that, a halo.

I look at shadows, their colours;
at the bright flowers carefully kept
in Centennial, busy now with Sunday.

And the cover of your bed was folded ... not sure if the “and” is needed. End in a full stop
and I woke from my dream shuddering ... “and”  - delete
and thought you were gone.

On the phone, your accent, as you ask 
in the patient way of a stranger,
Why not fly over, just for a visit?


 

I like how the poem starts idly, and builds to a climax.
There’s a mystery in the identity of the person on the phone, which doesn’t quite need an explanation.
Good one.

However, I would prefer “Centennial Park”, given that there are only 4.8 mn Sydneysiders, and perhaps 500k  in the eastern burbs?

[churinga]

Thanks again Seraphim. I did worry about both''Nimbus' and 'accent'.

Thanks Busker. I did try the poem with 'Park' put in. It makes the poem less obscure but spoils the sound a little.

[Radetof.Yahska]

Such a nice piece. Long-distance, long-term woes, amirite?!

No Certainties 

Three types of cloud today 
but I don't know to name them.
Nimbus? I like that, a halo.

I look at shadows, their colours; // is this at Centennial? This seems rather abstract, and I get it's a dream, but still, some sort of anchoring to make it work for me
at the bright flowers carefully kept
in Centennial, busy now with Sunday. // because this is rather specific for the line above to be excused

And the cover of your bed was folded
and I woke from my dream shuddering 
and thought you were gone. // this really gets me with the end

On the phone, your accent, as you ask 
in the patient way of a stranger, // and acquaintance maybe, strangers don't ask that, I'm sorry but seemed a little strange to me
Why not fly over, just for a visit?


 

I don't like reading a lot of long poems, so I end up reviewing short ones most of the time. I hope the mods won't smack me for it.

This poem has a heart, and is deeper than most people I know, including me. I think the length is appropriate, and the emotions strong. Personally, L6 seems weak and if you could make it work, I'd really like reading it again and again.

---

[churinga]

Hi Radetof

I look at shadows, their colours; // is this at Centennial? This seems rather abstract, and I get it's a dream, but still, some sort of anchoring to make it work for me
at the bright flowers carefully kept
in Centennial, busy now with Sunday. // because this is rather specific for the line above to be excused
This is not a dream, it continues on from V1, shadows can have colours, depending on what the shadow falls on, eg a shadow on green grass will look green. I have explained the need to use the vernacular 'Centennial' rather than the more explalnatory 'Centennial Park'.

And the cover of your bed was folded
and I woke from my dream shuddering
and thought you were gone. // this really gets me with the end
This is the dream verse.  

On the phone, your accent, as you ask
in the patient way of a stranger, // and acquaintance maybe, strangers don't ask that, I'm sorry but seemed a little strange to me
Why not fly over, just for a visit?
It is a strange situation, my ex-lover, Albena, and I have not seen each other for 50 years.  We mostly kept in touch via letters and I only called her twice.  So her voice did seem like that of a stranger.  

Thanks for you detailed comment.

best wishes

Ross

[RiverNotch]

The poem's speaker is gormless, gormless but conscious of his gormlessness. He cannot name the clouds, but he knows the meaning of the word "Nimbus". He is lost in the park, where he is launched into epiphany. The third stanza, with its "ands", has a very biblical feel to it, launching the poem into tension. A tension that leaves the page, pulling the reader fully into the gormless mindset of the speaker: he is gormless, it turns out, about his relationship, though exacting in his absorption of the particulars. The feeling of the title -- "No Certainties" -- is conveyed with a clear simplicity. Lovely work.

Now for nits.
---What is the significance of three, other than an additional particular?
---"I like that" is unnecessary.
---the line "in centennial" sounds horrendous. the t's and d's emphasize the s's to the point that the s's cut the ear. it might be intended, but i'd prefer adding "park" to break the dissonance, and maybe switch "busy".
---The third stanza is really great. Maybe something a little more natural than "the cover of your bed", but that's just me.
---Fourth stanza, too, but "your accent" is too nonspecific. i don't think the speaker is gormless to the point of not making this detail actually valuable to the poem: "your accent" doesn't say anything other than the gormless notes details at random, but "your American accent" or "your British accent" or even "your peculiar accent" or "your foreign accent" fills it with meaning. specify, or omit.
---I especially like "in the patient way of a stranger".

[churinga]

Thanks for your comment RiverNotch. I wont reply in detail, sufficient to say all your points have been noted and I consider them reasonable.