An Image of Gray

[Seraphim]

An Image of Gray revision

Maybe Dorian had the right of it
- beauty is the only art worth seeking.
But could we peer behind his youthful eyes
- or, through a mirrored reflection, our own -
there we’d view the true effects of time:
a touch of cunning about the soul’s expression,
perhaps a twitch of cruelty along its aging lips,
or, instead, just a diamond slab
- chiseled and yellow, impenetrable and flawed.








An Image of Gray
- after Oscar Wilde


Perhaps Dorian had the right of it
- beauty is the only art worth seeking.
But could we peer behind his lovely eyes
- or, through a silvered looking-glass, our own -
there we’d view the true effects of time:
a touch of cunning about the soul’s expression,
perhaps a twist of cruelty edging its aging lips,
or, instead, just a diamond slab
- chiseled and yellow, impenetrable and flawed.

[Knot]

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Hi Seraphim,
enjoyed the read.

Not keen on the title, surely 'Dorian' makes it (and the subtitle)
unnecessary?

L3 - 'But' - seems almost too forceful, it gives a pause
where one might not be needed. Maybe 'Yet' ?
That said, and in keeping with L1,
(Yet) could we but peer behind ... ? - 'lovely' offers nothing.
Surely there are better alternatives?

L4 - rather confusing construction, 'through' throws me. Should
it be 'as through' ? Regardless, I'd suggest cutting 'looking'.
Enjoyed the nod to 1 Corinthians 13. Could more be made of it?

L5 - maybe re-order - there we'd view time's true effects ?
(You might leave a gap here, two stanzas rather than one.)

L6 - excellent line. (Though maybe 'veil' for 'touch'?)

L7 - the repetition of 'perhaps' is weak, I think, and 'twist'
is close to cliché. Maybe 'patina' or 'kerf', instead, in keeping
with the gemstone theme.

L8 - I think you need a 'see' (or some variant) before 'instead'.

L9 - I think both 'ands' weaken the ending (both might be cut).
Maybe a period after 'impenetrable' ?


Best, Knot.



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[Seraphim]

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m thinking. Also tired lol.

Just didn’t want you to think I’m ignoring your crit.

[churinga]

- or, through a silvered looking-glass, our own -
An echo of 'through the looking glass.'  

perhaps a twist of cruelty edging its aging lips,
edging aging lips, you seem to have 'its' for the meter, 

or, instead, just a diamond slab
I associate slab with marble, not diamonds.  Also diamonds are cut not chiseled.

All the best

Ross

[Seraphim]

perhaps a twist of cruelty edging its aging lips,
edging aging lips, you seem to have 'its' for the meter,

For the rhythm.

I associate slab with marble, not diamonds. Also diamonds are cut not chiseled.

A slab can be made of anything - it's more, I think, a size, shape or dimension. So it's a slab made of diamond, not a finished gemstone. Diamonds are cut into gemstone. This one is not. Quite the opposite, I think. It's not sparkly and pretty. Its chiseled, yellow and flawed.
.
Dorian Gray was eternally beautiful on the outside, but he was no polished gemstone on the inside.

[Tiger the Lion]

An Image of Gray
- after Oscar Wilde don't think you need this


Perhaps Dorian had the right of it "perhaps" sounds too posh as a first word to me. You use it twice, so I think "maybe" would help for conversational tone, in at least one instance- without changing meter
- beauty is the only art worth seeking.
But could we peer behind his lovely eyes there's a feel of cliche (maybe only perceived) here. "peer" and "lovely" are flat and don't help
- or, through a silvered looking-glass, our own - "looking-glass" might pull readers out of DG and into Alice - maybe intentional? Maybe a sub for "through" would do the job?
there we’d view the true effects of time: this line could be better, "true" is a sucky word if it's not doing at least double duty...and paired with "view" the internal rhyme is stale
a touch of cunning about the soul’s expression,
perhaps a twist of cruelty edging its aging lips, someone once told me keep my gerunds few and far between
or, instead, just a diamond slab slab is exactly the right word IMO. Turns the romance of a diamond on its head.
- chiseled and yellow, impenetrable and flawed. Wonderful last line. I feel like you built the poem around it. And so you should. Strong piece with a few tweaks that should disrupt the heart of it.

There's a nice balance of from and free verse in this piece. I want it to be just a hair more liberal - for the sake of tone and freshness - if that makes any sense. Nice work,
Paul

[Seraphim]

Thanks Paul. Yea - it makes sense. I’ve tried to work on balancing metrics and free verse, but normally from the aspect of using metrics to shore up the rhythms of free verse. After listening to people here, I think I’m try it the other way around - a bit more liberal, as you say.

Thanks for looking in.

---

Paul

I had already come to the ‘maybe’ conclusion. Something killing your little darlings lol. Sometimes I’m resistant to the idea. I worked a bit to try fit the language to the era, but I tend to overdo and end up editing a lot. I’ll review your language criticisms.

Gotta look up what a gerund is. I forget.

---

Gerund - got it.

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And looking glass wasn’t intended as an Alice reference, but since it’s twice been mentioned I have to admit it’s distraction.

---

I’ll especially look at the points you and knot both made.

---

Minor revision above

[Knot]

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Hi Seraphim.


Not keen on the changes:
mirrored reflection (tautological surely) lacks the poetry of the silvered glass,
and 'youthful' isn't any real improvment on 'lovely'. Would 'ageless' work?
The title still isn't doing enough and I think you need to offer some justification
for the sudden switch to 'diamond' (unless it's from the novel, in which case
disregard ). I preferred the opening 'perhaps', it seemed truer to the voice.

Perhaps Dorian had the right of it
- beauty is the only art worth seeking.

But could we peer behind his youthful eyes
(or, through silvered glass, our own)
there we’d view the true effects of time:

a touch of cunning about the soul’s expression,
a twitch of weary cruelty along aging lips,

or, see instead, a diamond slab:
chiseled and yellow, impenetrable
and flawed.


Best, Knot.


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[Seraphim]

Yea - it might be time to save the critiques and sit on this for awhile - get some distance.

Told my wife last night that I hadn't even noticed the Through the Looking Glass connection until it was mentioned here. She laughed at me.

Sometimes you can't see the trees for the forest...

[Knot]

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Hi Seraphim,

doubtless it'll be little consolation but I didn't see Alice either. I was all for peering
'through a glass, darkly' - but now 'looking glass' has been pointed out, I can't
unsee it.


Best, Knot.

.

[Seraphim]

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Hi Seraphim,

doubtless it'll be little consolation but I didn't see Alice either. I was all for peering
'through a glass, darkly' - but now 'looking glass' has been pointed out, I can't
unsee it.


Best, Knot.

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Me neither *sigh*