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Blowing steam
My hot air
Balloon will carry me
Wherever it wants to go
I have enough heat to not
Care where I land, how hard
I might hit the ground, land
Or sea or outer space, my
Plans are wrapping up.
N c w
o o i
o m t
n i h
e n m fare
s g e well
And I wouldn't let them
If they wanted to. And
They'll never know my
Story or the things I've
Seen.
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I’d like to see the initial rhythm continued throughout. It breaks up about L3.
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
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Can you describe the rhyhthyhm you see?
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hard to critiue this one. i see it as a fun concrete poem. in places you could lose an odd word. [to go] in line three but for me these excess words are not a problem. you had to construct the balloon and i think the shape is as important as the words. love the lines that lead to the basket. they and the balloon do have a feel of freedom in them. i like it a lot.
(06-22-2019, 08:15 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Blowing steam
My hot air
Balloon will carry me
Wherever it wants to go
I have enough heat to not
Care where I land, how hard
I might hit the ground, land
Or sea or outer space, my
Plans are wrapping up.
N c w
o o i
o m t
n i h
e n m fare
s g e well
And I wouldn't let them
If they wanted to. And
They'll never know my
Story or the things I've
Seen.
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Not a big fan of concrete poetry but this is impressive.
I am not sure what the 'fare well' represents. You could show the flame somehow.
Also having caps for each line spoils the symmetry. Caps for every line is a dated poetic convention.
Some words could be eliminated from the poetry, the repetition of 'land', the use of outer space, not really very comic, the repetition of 'and' in the last part, the second 'and' is unnecessary.
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I have to echo this, and sorry for not being original in the critique, but just want to lend some credence to what you've said with a second voice. I also don't gravitate to concrete poetry, but I really liked this. There's a complexity to it that I don't always appreciate in concrete poems. Anyway, just to agree-- the caps do spoil the symmetry for me as well, I'd love to see how it looks without, the second "and" as mentioned, take it out it's going to make a wonderful improvement. But for me-- the "fare well" I loved. It has a hint of comic sarcasm, especially as sandwiched between the previous lines -- "Noones coming with me" -- are you disappointed or lonely? vs "And I wouldn't let them if they wanted" -- ah ha, you prefer to travel alone and let them be jealous and long to join in your adventure.
Well done from my perspective.
(06-23-2019, 07:00 PM)churinga Wrote: Not a big fan of concrete poetry but this is impressive.
I am not sure what the 'fare well' represents. You could show the flame somehow.
Also having caps for each line spoils the symmetry. Caps for every line is a dated poetic convention.
Some words could be eliminated from the poetry, the repetition of 'land', the use of outer space, not really very comic, the repetition of 'and' in the last part, the second 'and' is unnecessary.
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I appreciate the critiques, I will work on an edit, if only the caps at the beginning, Billy's right about some words just filling space but in a ramble of thought it's not a bad thing. I didn't know what a concrete poem was and thought I was being original with forms as an emotional conveyance over words, I learn something with every post, and I appreciate it thank yo
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Sorry I missed your question
My hot /air Balloon /will car/ry me |. Where/ver it wants /to go
A line of iambs split by an anapest give this a nice lilting feel which goes along with the concept of a balloon. Then it stops.
1. 3. 1. 2. 3. 1. 3. 1. 3. 1. 3. 1. 2. 3. 1. 3
My hot air Balloon will carry me | Wherever it wants to go
Note the smooth rises during the anapests as opposed to the metrical bounce of the iambs
There is no escape from metre; there is only mastery. TS Eliot
