Beyond Recall

[Seraphim]

I pulled this out the archives where it's been fermenting for some time. I may have work-shopped it before, I didn't find any attached notes, but it would have been many years ago. I don't remember. I always ask people to take razors to a work.


Beyond Recall Revision 1

The river’s mist has risen to confine
my view, and threatens, slowly, to subsume
the deadfalls in my mind. In all directions
it’s progressed beyond the valley floor,
to seek this woodland crest of recollections.
The fog – far denser than it was before
- now clouds those elm, that oak, to soon consume
this copse of pine

where, once, some bygone lover lay supine;
her auburn hair (or was it blonde?) a soak
of perspiration - or maybe it was dew.
I don’t fear haunts of lost loves in the mist
but fear instead the loss of loves I knew,
haunted by the day that I exist
beyond my own recall - no elm, no oak,
no copse of pine.


Beyond Recall

The river's mist has risen to confine
my view, and threatens, slowly, to subsume
the deadfalls in my mind. In all directions
it's progressed beyond the valley floor,
to seek this woodland crest of recollections.
The fog - far denser than it was before
- now clouds that elm, those oak; soon to consume
this copse of pine

in which some bygone lover would recline,
her auburn hair - or was it blonde? - a cloak
which spread like transient vapor on the ground.
I sense no haunt of lost love in the mist,
but sense instead the loss of loves I'd found;
haunted by the day that I exist
beyond my memory - no elm, no oak,
no copse of pine.

[churinga]

in which some bygone lover would recline,
her auburn hair - or was it blonde? - a cloak
Suggest:
in which some bygone lover would recline.
Her auburn hair ....
Otherwise it can be read that her auburn hair is reclining.

It is a pity the last lines repeat the last lines of V1, a sonnet works best if the last lines are in a slightly different meter and act as a volte.
It's an accomplished poem. A pleasure to read.

[Seraphim]

A full stop there makes sense. I'll change it in revision.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[churinga]

On second reading I think the ending works well. It does have a volte. One thing a meteorologist my pick you up on, fog and mist are two different things caused by two different conditions but since this isn't a weather report I think it's OK. I did worry about 'transient vapor' simply because the image of fog/mist started to feel over-used.

[Knot]

.


Hi Seraphim,
was it just a quick Sweeny Todd-ing you were after?

The title doesn't really do much, for me (something more bucolic perhaps?),
and the lack of specifics throughout - 'that elm', 'those oak' 'some bygone' -
creates a distancing effect.

Might 'river' be 'River' ?

I think it would be improved without the baldness of 'in my mind', it's too
soon for that reveal.

The 'or was it blonde?' seems far to arch a question.

I didn't find the 'hair' as 'transient vapor' a convincing image.

The switch in S2 (L3/4) is rather sudden
(although it would destroy the form, reversing the order of the line
Yet in the mist, I sense no haunt of love lost
would soften the transition ... maybe).

Speaking of which ...


The River's mist has risen to confine
my reach and threatens, slowly, to subsume
the deadfalls in my mind. In all directions
it has spread beyond the valley floor,
and sought this woodland crest of recollections.
Its vapour - denser than before - now crowds
the elm, the oak, and soon shall it consume
this copse of pine

where ere some bygone lover would recline.
Her autumn hair - or was it spring? - a cloak
like clouds, soft, billowing above the ground.
I sense no haunt of love lost in the mist,
but feel anew the loss of loves I'd found;
haunted by the hope that I exist beyond
this memory - of elm, of oak,
and copse of pine.


Enjoyed the read.


Best, Knot.

.

[Seraphim]

Thanks for the notes, Knot. I’ll look them over carefully.

Well - hopefully not as far as Sweeney Todd went - he killed his victims lol. But every critique helps me determine if I’ve succeeded in my attempt in communication. Every critique is valuable.

Thanks for yours.

---

On second reading I think the ending works well. It does have a volte. One thing a meteorologist my pick you up on, fog and mist are two different things caused by two different conditions but since this isn't a weather report I think it's OK. I did worry about 'transient vapor' simply because the image of fog/mist started to feel over-used.

Rule number 1: never argue with an honest critter lol. They’re offering their valuable time to try to help me out. But may I point out that this isn’t a sonnet?

[churinga]

A sonetto then?

[Seraphim]

A sonetto then?

It's two octet stanzas of iambic pentameter, except for last line each stanza is iambic dimeter. I don't think there's an official name for it.

Revision above.

---

knot

I made some changes based on your observations. Others I did not, because I felt they worked against the allegory, not supported it.

Your time is appreciated. Any other observations are welcome.

[churinga]

'soak of perspiration' is too graphic. I like the original very much. I don't think it needs improving. Crits are coming from the perspective of perfection. You can criticise any work, it doesn't mean the work has to be rewritten. A poem like this, call it what you will, is an intricate composition, change a single word and the whole poem loses it's balance.

[Seraphim]

Thanks for the kind words. I agree, in the end it’s always the author's decision. But trying out new ideas, I think, never hurts, even if one goes back to a previous revision. So I’ll experiment, and if I don’t use ideas, I’ll try to explain to the critter why I chose not to.

I’m on the fence about ‘soak of sweat’ as well, although it implies something post-coital. But thought I’d run it up the flagpole and see what happens.

[churinga]

The river's mist has risen to confine
my view, and threatens, slowly, to subsume
the deadfalls in my mind. In all directions
it's progressed beyond the valley floor,

to seek this woodland crest of recollections.
The fog, far denser than it was before,
now clouds that elm, those oak; soon to consume
this copse of pine where lovers would recline.

I sense no haunt of lost loves in the mist,
but sense instead the loss of love I'd found.
The day that I exist beyond my memory,
there'll be no elm, no oak, no copse of pine.

[Seraphim]

Messes up the rhyme scheme lol.

Actually, I get the feeling the allegory is not coming through, judging by responses here, and if I’ve failed in that aspect, then the poem’s a wipe. I’m not blaming the critiquers, I’m blaming me. It’s the authorks responsibility to communicate the message, and I feel I’ve failed in respect.

[churinga]

The allegory seems obvious to me. I came back to delete my version as I felt it was a bit presumptuous to post it. I realise it mucks up the rhyme scheme. No reason to feel the poem isn't working.

[Seraphim]

Thanks lol. I was wondering ...

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And it was not not presumptuous. I post to hear honest opinions and suggestions. Within those parameters, all's fair.